[Mommy2Eryn&DJ]

My Boyfriend and I have known eachother since we were 15 hes a year older than me, we've met through HS, we were eachothers HS crush, to make a long story short in HS he didnt step up and somebody else got a hold of my heart, I dated that person after highschool a total of 6years and we had two kids, we broke up obviously because I realized I was young, I wasn't in love things weren't working out between us and for us to be better parents we needed to separate & my now boyfriend was there through it all (I didnt leave my ex for him...) He was supportive , we always wanted to be with eachother so after stuff died down, we ended up dating, I didnt bring him around the kids because like most of you whom have children know when you're dating you have to be really careful..well HE actually questioned me about why I didnt bring him around the kids and that he loved them like he loved me, and that he knows I have motherly duties before bedtime and hes fine being around us(he used to only come over after bedtime) ..so he started coming over and he enjoyed the kids and all we grew so passionately in love with eachother..we were inseparable, on the days I dont have the kids we would(and still do) spend all the time with eachother doing fun stuff, we complete eachother in so many ways....well fastforward to time..we are now living together...and I've always known that he has a hard time accepting my past but he has told me that because he loves me hes all for it, but this is what happened yesterday, I was on the phone with the kids uncle (on their fathers side)regarding the kids going to the same day care and what we needed to do and we're talking I mean I've known the guy for the 6 years I was with my ex so I'm tlakin like I'd be talking to any regurlar friend and I could see my bf was being bothered by it...then thats over but he throws in my face that I'm basically still with my ex because I have to kids by him and I was like no, hes making it seem like theres so much from my past in my life now that its like its never going away...and we got into a heated argument and I told him that if he cant accept my life as it is then why is he here and he said.."idk i ask myself the same thing" then I said well you need to leave and he didnt say anything...he left out late and came back late...we havent spoke about it..I'm here at work wondering...whats next? I'm ready to tell him to leave my house if he doesnt appologize or doesnt think theres anything wrong..or if hes not willing to accept me...Im ready I'm independent and I know I can do it, it will hurt but I can...now, I know he loves me dearly...but my past affects him ........

[higherroad]

from what i am learning, and i might be to close to the same situation is that there are two parts to it. living in the past is a real tough thing for any relationship.

if you have worked through your past and can honestly say and act that way, then that is the first step. if he interprets it differently, then he either needs to be reassured and if can't be comfortable with it, then it may haunt your relationship forever.

sometimes people cant work through others past because they have not worked through their own. if you take a healthy approach to your past and are honest about it, then the rest is up to him. it does not seem anything in your past is that questionable.

my ex had so much problems with my ex wife, even though i was fully over here. i had absolutely no problem with her ex husband and actually liked him. i accepted it.

but i ran into a problem with her affair relationship, because it was not only really messy but she had not worked through it. she had carried a lot of that baggage into our relationship. from what you have said it seems like you have worked through it. i think once you do that you can live in the now.

i think the fact that it was a high school romance, really makes it that much more difficult as some people can't leave that part of their life behind.

[Mommy2Eryn&DJ]

thank you for your response, yeah hes very insecure from what I know about him, he always tells me that he hates that there were others before him but he knows he cant do anything about it, he hates that i have a bond with certain family members of my ex and he has said before "I wish you were like that with my family"....I dont kno what to do now.....he obviously doesnt want to leave or would have left when I commanded if he cant deal with it leave, yeah he left...and came back hrs later and layed beside me and went to sleep. .. im really confused.

[higherroad]

i would imagine totally confused especially when you get mixed messages from him, pushing and pulling you.

i dont know if this will help but i had many many more relationships than my ex. she mentioned that all mine were great and hers weren't. i was totally honest with her saying not all of mine were good but most importantly that ours was different and unique in our own way. i thought it was good that i had some good relationships and had very good closures on most of them. i was totally honest on the relationships that were bad.

i am starting to realize that may have made her feel very uneven in the relationship, however i tried to reinforce that we could make ours anything we wanted to. i felt really comfortable about her early high school relationship because it was healthy and that says a lot about our ability to have one. but where it got ugly was that she would hold on to "bad" relationships and it carried over into the now of ours. it does not seem like you are doing that but actually taking a healthy approach to it.

what was his past relationships like? if they were unhealthy maybe that can say something, as he may feel slighted.

would be interested to hear cw's perspective on this.

[Mommy2Eryn&DJ]

I wish I could say he's had relationships, in HS he dated one girl for 2 years and after that he NEVER NEVER dated anybody again until NOW..mind you that was years and years ago..I'm his first adult relationship, first time living with someone also.....he waited the 6years I was with my ex to be with me as he says....and now this...

[higherroad]

wow thats got to be real tough and actually i am learning from your relationship a bit.

when there is such a disparity in experience, that can really cause some problems as i have witnessed first hand. my ex was always obsessed with it.

i guess he may still be living back in high school and cant get over it, leaving him unable to live in the now.

i had sometimes considered tell my ex go out and date and see if that makes a difference. but personally, i would look at a woman who had positive relationships as a great sign that she knows how to work through them, however the key thing would be comfortable with her having closures with them.

so many people fall back on their ex loves because, they are unhappy with the now. thats a big statement.

[Mommy2Eryn&DJ]

I came home early from work n no words have been spoken he got up n went to shower which probably means He's heading out idk what's happening really.

[higherroad]

i am by no means an expert, so it would be good to hear others but when i was faced with similar circumstances, i have learned to let it go and not react when it such a vulnerable state. best to address with a clear head and emotions.

most of the time, space and time, will clear things out. dont feel like you have to control or address everything right away.

so many times we think that if we spend time apart for whatever a day, weekend, week it will only make things work, i think we do that because we are afraid it might not work out. its scary.

but its better to address when your more secure with your emotions and can take a good look at the situation.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

15, 6 Years, 21 a dream.

Initially, I think he picked up where he left off... That dream girl, the one that stole his heart is finally there, he is home.

And, so he welcomed you with open arms, and you two went back to all the fun, happiness that was, in HS, at 15...

He didn't care that you had children, he would make them his also, and so he pushed for more "family" time with you and succeeded, and now is living with you.

Living with you is totally different... Now, he sees the communication, the Adult in you, the Mother, and the realisation that the ex and his family will always be a part of your life, yet, what he expected was that basically they would be gone and it would be "his family" and you with "his family".

At 21, 22 he's confused of all of this, it is not how he played it out, it is not what he waited for, and he doesn't know how to deal with it, it's like there are more people in your life that he barginned for, or thought about, expected and he's having trouble dealing with it.

One thing struck me, that was said by higherroad, :-

saying not all of mine were good but most importantly that ours was different and unique in our own way.

Sometimes when someone is in-secure, you have to build that up, and all the love in the world without words, doesn't cut it.

Sit him down and talk to him, tell him that you feel blessed that the person you were in love with in HS, is with you now. That, your marriage was a far cry of happiness, than what your relationship with him is now.. That, you couldn't imagine life without him and that your so happy, that he is in your life and your childrens life. THen basically say, "you know", you can't ditch children's father's nor their family, for them to have a solid foundation they need to be in touch with their family but it doesn't mean that you are not their "Daddy" nor will not be their "Daddy" as they grow, they will see the love and know that you are there for them daily, that you are special and that we are a family and that we love you.

It's fair to say that he has a few things going through his mind that he never thought about thoroughly, and he is young.

He needs to feel secure that it is "his family too", and that he will not lose "his family" the one that he entered into and decided to be part of.

I think he is feeling "outed" and you need to make him feel "wanted and needed and you are family", because it's easy for you to stay on the path you were on, communicating, seeing, being, without realising how the other person feels and the added attention they need to jump over the hurdle that is present for them.

If you love this man and want him to be your partner, the children's new Daddy then make him feel that way until he does truly feel it and there won't be any further issues.

He's like a Duck in water, sometimes and can't swim.

CW

[Joy]

I think you also have to explain to him that it takes time for you to be "like that" with his family. It takes time to build those bonds and you will in time be that close with his family if all of you get on well.

I think CW said it best when she said he had an image of what it would be like to be with you and your kids and well in reality it isn't and its not the cut and dry situation (and life never is)

You have had 6 years of growth in adulthood dealing with a partner, 2 kids, and bills. Responsiblity that he is just growing into by the sounds of it. He could be frustrated with himself that he isn't coping and handling these situations with the ease that you seem too.