[forks2009]

Friends,
I hope you dont mind that I call you friends. I have taken in so much comfort from your kind, true and supportive words. Thank you! This forum has helped me so much, I go back and re-read what you wrote me when I feel weak, or sad. I will keep you posted as things develop.

I still feel as if I need to say NO and my GOOD BYES. ummm??? I've never said NO to him before, I usually just get mad and we wont talk for a few days or it will be weird on the phone for a few weeks. Then we are right back to square one! I'm hoping that actually hearing myself say the words out load to him will help me.
But i'm also totally afraid because I know these words almost portray me at the same time, i'll hang up and totally want to take it all back... OR I'll feel revealed?

One more question, this man is pretty successful and has lots of networking... should I let him help me find a job? or set up interviews for me? a part of me is like " it thats the lest he could do" the other part is afraid that this could put us into "friendship mode" and I'm thinking that "sounds cool" but probably not a good idea??

For him I know it would make him feel good about helping me, he loves to be my knight. I almost dont want to even give him that.

What do you think?
ps- should i consider in this equation that i'm newly graduated with LOTS debt and basically no idea where to start on getting a job? OH and PS ECONOMY??

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Friends is cool, fine, great.

I usually just get mad and we wont talk for a few days or it will be weird on the phone for a few weeks. Then we are right back to square one!

To me, that means that you have "always" compromised. Got mad and his solution is to let it be until it blows over and then at that point, once you've gotten over what bothered you without his imput, things go back to the way they were.

One thing you can look forward to is "talking about a problem, compromising "together" and then working through that, the next day and on-wards, ..... This is what we are saying, if you don't make a "clean" break then he will worm his way back in if he stops again sleeping with his wife.

I don't think your strong enough to "use" this person to your advantages as purely that, as he "owes" you...

Your strong enough however ,i think to go it alone and prove to him that you did it on your own.

What do you think?

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

I totally agree with CW on every thing she said. Also you have to look deep within yourself and ask yourself if you are not in some way trying to hold on to him by asking him for the help he owes you, that maybe he will change his mind if he is just around you some more. It may even be just on a subconcious level where your heart still wants to hold out hope, still be connected even some obscure way of him turning him from a lover to an employment coach.

If you look at it from a totally unbiased view you can see that is just not the best move for you (seeking help for a job, a friendship, any sort of string). You have to wonder if your best interest is going to be served by him anyway.

[rcoreyus]

Please don't let him help you find a job. It would be unethical for him, and would put you in his debt. So far the situation has been tragic, but fair. You had an affair with a married man - the sort of affair where each of you loved the other. Eventually (the reason really doesn't matter) he decided to stay with his wife. You and he both always knew it would happen - of course that doesn't make it any less tragic, or any less painful.

I feel that right now you are both hurting, but it is a "clean" hurt. You did what you did for love. Don't risk dirtying it with jobs and money.

There are other people who can help you. If you dare say, what did you study in school, what country are you in, and what sort of job are you looking for? (I understand if you don't want to answer because you are concerned about privacy).

[WildChild]

I'll chime in and agree, you need to simply cut ties. Don't prolong or complicate it by further involving him in your life. At some point it's possible his wife may find out and the stuff could hit fan, you don't want to be in a situation where you could be could down in the crossfire. Or he could just get a bit ugly and you could find yourself not just out of a job but under leaving some prejudist and you don't need that tied to your resume.

[Lulu]

Do you really want an answer? Because you already know it I'm sure. He was never yours to begin with, he has always belonged to someone else. If as you say he truly wanted to be with you, he would choose you. He hasn't. The part about him not sleeping with his wife, not true. He has always slept with his wife. I expect he told you how awful she is and that she doesn't understand him, its bull. Does this sound harsh, yes but its now time for you to move on with your life and make better choices for yourself.