[dragnfly]

I'm confused:
My girlfriend have lived together for a year now and recently one of her hot-button issues has reared its head, causing what I see as a lot of unnecessary conflict. She has always been very strong minded and is very determined in the causes she supports. This is one thing that I have always admired in her. She is truly a champion of issues she feels are important, but frequently goes a bit (a lot) far in my opinion.
Here's the issue lately: She is currently on a rampage about an Esquire magazine that I bought. This particular issue happened to have a woman on the cover in lingerie (with an overcoat) and she freaked. She began shaking and blamed me for everything from her current feelings to the woeful state that all females are in thanks to "trash like that." She is very adamant that porn and media exposure is demeaning to women and is a blight on society. Ok. I respect that and to a degree agree with that. I, however, allow that fantasy is just that, and as long as it doesn't interfere with normal healthy relationships, it is just that. I don't own any porn, I don't disrespect women, I treat her as an equal partner, etc...
Obviously, I feel this is a gross overreaction and totally unfair. Should I be expected to monitor and protect her from what I feel are more feelings of insecurity than feminist convictions all that time? This same circumstance has happened before when we were watching movies that have any scene with nude women (not porn, of course), and instantly I'm subject to blame for women's objectification... usually even if I've never seen the movie before.
So, I feel like she's totally controlling and I haven't done anything wrong. She is absolutely adamant that nothing she deems offensive be brought into the house and actually that I should feel the same anyway.
This is the tip of the iceberg with this behavior, but for this issue in particular, I would like some other perspective, at least. Thanks.

[WildChild]

Wow, it sounds like she has some real issues. A reaction so strong that she starts shaking and blaming you sounds like there is some serious trauma associated with this. Does she have a history of abuse or rape?

I hate to be hard on my gender but I've known women who got into "women's studies" courses in college and just went over the edge for a couple of years. One ended up in therapy convinced that if she stayed at it long enough she would eventually "remember" that she had been abused! There has been a lot of ugly stuff and trauma for women throughout history. It can be very upsetting to learn about it. There is still plenty of meanness and ugly stiff in the world but I can't understand why people insist on dwelling on it or trying to create it where there is none.

Her responses sound unreasonable and unrealistic, not to mention completely discounting your feelings and sensitivities. She is entitled to her opinion but she isn't entitled to control yours too. Blaming you is a concern, this kind of behavior can move toward abuse, both emotional or physical. I have to wonder why she is with a man if she feels this way? This may sound like a weird suggestion but you might find reading the book, Female Chauvinist Pigs; Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture, an interesting read, just because it looks at some women's attitudes and attempts to deal with sexuality, porn and changing relationships. It presents a different attititude than your lady freind's but I think you may resognize some of it.

In all honesty if you were a woman writing about a man exhibiting similar behavior I would probably encourage you to get out because I would be concerned that it could escalate into a physical situation. You need to consider that this woman is damaging you by projecting and focusing all this negativity on you. You sound like an exceptional man, don't let her venom poison you.

[dragnfly]

Thanks for the support, WildChild. I felt a little tenative about posting here. I'm sure that some women's forums are not as receptive to complaints about girlfriends/wives.

[WildChild]

I think you'll find most of the people here are pretty balanced and considered in their responses.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

She is absolutely adamant that nothing she deems offensive be brought into the house and actually that I should feel the same anyway.

Seems she's a tad insecure with herself..

What is deemed offensive, it's a magazine..

She should consider opening up and exploring.. Life is too short to put demands on people.

And, you should have the right to be you, without being told what to do.

Just my opinion.

CW

[blondie80]

Hi dragnfly, in my opinion this has a real chance of getting really ugly. She has no right to expect you to have all the same beliefs and follow her like a sheep, everyone is different its part of what makes us who we are. You cant go through life living in a situation that isn't in control for the hope that it will change it sounds like she is really playing the victim here, she may be a past victim too but if so she needs help not to take things out on you.
Some people have a real unrealistic view on life and what to expect from partners and other people, there is alot of bad things that people can and will do and you are obviously not doing the wrong thing so why should you be blamed for it?
I would seriously ask her why this is a problem or if she needs help, let her know that you cant be blamed for everything in the world thats wrong because simply your not the cause of it and she needs help to realise that otherwise you may need to just leave this situation and find someone a little less controlling some people just like being a victim.

[rcoreyus]

This sounds bad. Having different, even strong opinions is fine and can be a source of good discussions, but expecting your BF/GF to share all of your opinions is a real problem. She sounds like an extremist, and in my opinion, all extremists are a problem - they believe that their particular crusade is more important than anything else.

Run, don't walk.

[dragnfly]

Wow. I was hoping to get a little perspective from an impartial group of people, and I thought that asking on a women's forum would at least keep me honest, but... wow. I appreciate your candor and support immensely.

Fact is, we've been in counseling for several months now and this thing has been one of a roller coaster. In private sessions (we occasionally see the therapist separately), I was told in the most tactful and professional manner that this situation was just about the most extreme in terms of her reactions and expectations that our Dr. had come across in practice. Basically, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THIS RELATIONSHIP?!" Later, I confided privately that I had picked up Stop Walking on Eggshells, a book about Borderline Personality Disorder, and said that in my confusion about what was happening at home, this is something I could have written myself. Out doctor actually acted as if a weight was lifted and agreed that this was his opinion as well. I know enough not to diagnose or label people I love, but ..

I've worked in health care for several years and have seen enough battered women come through the ER only to leave refusing help or shelter "because I love him." I dearly hate hypocrisy especially when I'm the culprit. I do love her. I'm sure I should do what I would advise others to. Thanks for listening.

Sincerely..

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The terminology " walking on eggshells" I know so well.

You have no idea when an outburst will just happen, and so you walk on eggshells.

Yes, even here, I "hear" over and over and over, "I love him" and behind the love is abuse, verbal, emotional, physical or all...

A sense of in-security perhaps, or taken to their lowest and they don't know how to get up again, or abuse from the past, and continuation of likeness until the see the light.

But, take that aside, the people that have answered you are both men and women, not just women.

Corey is a male for instance.

Controlling women, women who are "right" all the time and you are wrong, abuse verbal, controlling, exists as well.

One thing I can say about women on this Forum is they are not biased predominately open minded and see the actions/reactions for what they are, whether you are male or female.

Good luck, I hope you find happiness.

Remember, you can't "save the world" either, or a person in it whom doesn't want to be saved..

CW

[dragnfly]

Sorry for the assumption.. sorry Corey. I'm a bit taken back with all the caring responses. Chandler's, your last line -"Remember, you can't save the world either.." made me feel like I should look over my shoulder. You hit the nail on the head. Thank you.