[cbonsante]

My b/f wants to swing. I am not opposed to the idea but I am hesitant because I don't think our relationship is strong enough. I don't always get the emotional support and affection I need from him now and I worry that swinging would make it worse. He says it will only make us stronger and make him even more attracted to me. I'm just a little nervous. I am looking for advice and guidance. What are the key elements we need for this work - I know communication is one of them I could use some advice, guidance, and let me know how your swinging relationship works. I want to make this work.

[jstew86]

I personally don't think its a good idea. Sleeping with other people, or swinging as you call it, will never make a relationship MORE strong - if anything I think it will put a real strain on it.

Good Luck!

[Iseulda]

Hi - I don't swing but I know a good few people who do. While we're waiting for someone who knows first hand what they are talking about let me tell you my observations.

1. Swinging does not mean the couple don't really love each other.

2. Swinging is not infidelity. Having sex with other people with your partner's consent and approval (and participation sometimes, depending on the set up) is not being unfaithful.

3. Swinging only works for couples who both want it.

4. A swinging couple need to have a very definite, clear and pre-arranged idea of exactly what is OK and what is not.

If you are in doubt about this I'd advise you to wait. Think about exactly how you'll feel about it. He says it will make you stronger as a couple and make him feel more attracted to you? Will it? Ask him why? Ask him exactly what he wants from swinging? Does he want to watch you with another man? Does he want to see you have oral sex with someone else? Does he want to see you with two men? Does he want to see you with women? Or has he not thought about what you will be up to and he just wants to have sex with other women?

And what about you? Do you want to have sex with other men? See him with other women? Or men? Do you want to have multiple partners at once? Are you going to be OK watching him perform oral sex on another woman?

Maybe he thinks of it as a straight husband wife swap where you go off to separate rooms - maybe he's thinking of swinging parties, orgies. You have to work all that out.

You have to ask yourselves all these questions and more. What about contraception? What about keeping yourselves safe from STDs? You need all of this kind of thing discussed down to the last detail AND be prepared to change everything when you get into the reality of a swinging situation and one or both of discover that, despite best intentions, it is just not working for you.

I have plenty of fantasies about group sex - but I've looked at myself and I know I couldn't watch my man with another woman, or with another man even. I also know he'd rather gouge his eyes out with forks than watch another man put his penis in me. That's us though - everyone is different, and there is no right and wrong to it.

You and your man need to sit down together and talk all this through - not in a sexy fantasy way - but in a realistic way. You cannot go into this thing wanting different things because it will destroy the relationship if you do. If you go ahead, go in to it knowing exactly what you want, exactly what he wants and with both of you being comfortable with those feelings.

[cbonsante]

Thank you so much! That is exactly the kind of stuff I am looking for. We have discussed quite a bit and he has done it with past g/f's but I want to know what I need to ask and so on. Thank you again, I've started a list of questions and possible rules.

[WildChild]

If it makes him desire his gf more and the relationship stronger, why are they ex gfs?

[Iseulda]

Relationships end for all sorts of reasons, but that is a question she should be asking. She needs to know if the swinging had any part in those relationships ending.

She should be asking what way it worked with the other girlfriends - if hearing that is uncomfortable then actually doing it is going to be worse.

cbonsante - he's done it before, you haven't, but don't let him convince you that you take his word on every aspect of it. He can't tell you how you are going to feel about any of this. His experience is interesting and could be helpful for you, but it doesn't mean that if you disagree on something that he's right and you're wrong.

[caterpillar79]

Also, consider...is he just-kind-of "legalizing" sleeping with other women in your eyes?

I don't know...so ASK. I don't swing. i am more scared of STDs and HPV.

[rcoreyus]

I think swinging can work - but not for most couples. I have some friends who do this, but it broke up one marriage and I think is making one of the people in another miserable.

I think it would be great if people could enjoy sex without all sorts of emotional issues, but most people can't. It is so easy to go to someone for simple sex and find yourself emotionally attached, find yourself running to that person when something goes wrong with your own relationship.

I think it works better if at least one of you is bi - then you can enjoy being with the same person (who of course would also need to be bi). Swapping spouses can work - but it would be very easy to start comparing.

I don't have any moral objections, and I think for a minority of people it can work very well, but it is treacherous ground.

[stressed]

It can work for a while, for couples whose relationship is mostly based on sex and good time, but I doubt it will lead to something solid in the long run. Imagine getting pregnant while swinging or having children. Some things work better as fantasy than in real and once you do this you cannot take it back, you will always know that your b/f has had sex with other women while being in a relationship with you. Swinging won't make your relationship stronger, but since it doesn't look like this relationship is heading towards marriage then just safely enjoy the good time.

[Guest]

Also, consider...is he just-kind-of "legalizing" sleeping with other women in your eyes?

That sounds probable.

If you are unsure or uncomfortable with the idea - don't agree to it.