[confusedinoklahoma]

My husband of 14 years and I had a huge fight on wednesday. He left me and the kids at the house, He continued to goto work, but never came home at night, he finally came home saturday and started in again about money, the entire fight started over money, i refused to talk to him if he was going to be angry, he left again 2 hours later, he returned sunday morning. We talked, i like to think that we got things straightened out, BUT he was acting very strange, said he didnt feel good, thought maybe it was the weather, his skin was oily, which it never is. it was raining so he hadnt been tanning, which is one of the things that drives me insane. He just wasnt himself, i thought at the time that it was because he was still angry with me. Then this afternoon, i went to get some of this clothes to wash, and in the process of hanging up his clothes, found a shirt that he had jammed into the back of the closet, hung up on a hanger which i know was not there the day before, because i had just reorganized the entire closet. This is a shirt that he would NEVER buy to wear in my presence. I have tried to get him to buy this kind of shirt, but he says " he doesnt like them". So in the shock i started going thru pockets and found a receipt for stuff that he would never buy, chewing gum, for one, that he NEVER chews gum, just off the wall stuff that is not him. Now after finding all this, i have this sick feeling that he may have been unfaithful to me in his 4 days of being away from home. the fact that he was in a bad part of town for 4 days, he comes home and his skin is oily, he has a shirt that he wouldnt of ever purchased without a reason, and chewing gum that he never buys, shaving cream that he never buys, and body spray that he wouldnt buy also. On top of that his 'i dont feel good" has now translated into a "guilt/shame" thing to me. Do have the possible cheating spouse on my hands? Do i have the right to ask him? HOW do i ask him? this is breaking me to pieces.

[stressed]

Collect all the evidence and wait for a few days. Eventually he will either start talking about his actions or you will have to start asking him questions because you have the right to know what he's been up to. If he wants to go on like this then he might as well move out for good, but for as long as you share a home you have all the right to know. Be strong.

[WildChild]

It is possible that he is hitting one of those famous mid-life crisis and doing some changing. You've encouraged him to buy a certain type of shirt, he refused, now he buys one and you freak. Have you considered the possibility that he bought it thinking to please you at some point? Lack of sleep leaves my skin oily, if he slept in his car or on a buddy's couch and didn't want to use their shower he may have purchased the body spray to mask the lack of a shower, if he shaved with a cheap disposable razor the shaving cream amy have seemed necessary and he may have gotten the gum instead of a toothbrush?

Those would be logical explainations for all of that. The "bad side of town" isn't necessarily the cheatin side of town. If he's going to cheat it would be more likely with someone in the area, at work, or someplace he normally frequents. I think you need to take a deep breath and calm down. Throwing accusations rarely does much more than get someone's defenses up and to some people it could become a justification for something they have only considered but not done. Feeling like you've been tried and convicted without having done the deed can be extremely hurtful.

Find some time when you can talk calmly and rationally. Tell you you are on edge because his attitude toward you seems to have changed and you siomply don't know what to make of it. See what he has to say without interupting or challenging?

[Hopeless Dork]

Wildchild, what an eye opener for seeing things differently. When she mentioned all the things she found I though Oh that does sound a bit off. EVERYTHING he did could be explained away as you did, every single thing. The OP said he did go to work while he was gone, he probably tried as best as he could to keep up appearances without the comfort of home - the gum, the body spray, etc.

But just reading what you said WC taught me something, jumping to conclusions , assuming, there is always 2 ways to see things and if your hurting you are always going to see it in the worst light first.

I agree she should talk to him about it, the items don't mean he didn't cheat but they certainly do not mean he did just by their exsistense.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I am curious as to know, if you know, where he went when he "didn't" come home.

Your suggesting that he's stressed about finances, I assume you don't work as you have kids to care for.

He could be stressed and buying stuff that you "like" but that he doesn't and has tried the shirt on, tried the cologne etc, or you could be right.

But, the first thing I would want to know is where he went when he blew up and this he did twice not once.

I would start with "talking" to him about finances and the issue at hand calmly and see if there is a solution...

I would then towards the end pull the shirt from behind a pillow on your lounge and ask him if he intends to wear that out with you one night soon, was it a present or did you buy it?

I think you need to ask softly because "accusing" and establishing that there was no need ,shows dis-trust and can seriously cause issues in a relationship...

Try the soft question first, in my opinion.

CW