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Detour:TRUST under repair!

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  • Detour:TRUST under repair!

    My BF and I went to a strip joint last night (did I hear a hurrah?). It was OK, I didn’t feel any negative energy emanate from that adventure. FYI, I was sheltered and just started exploring the “adult world” when we became a couple.
    I once started a thread about him because I was bothered about his inability to call me some nights when we were just transitioning from being close to LDR. He moved 2 hours away from me due to a new job/company. The insights from you guys helped me immensely. He was able to read it too, which efficiently reinforced him to double up his efforts in reassuring me of his commitment. He started to call me more often (every night), even during work breaks, and also work emails. He would drive up to me during weekends and we would be all so intense…
    Due to our recent adventure, strip club stories of his came up this morning as he dresses for work. He started telling me about these girls he talked to at the strip joint in the city where he moved (only stayed there for two weeks). ..To cut it short, I asked if that was the reason why he wasn’t calling me then, and he confirmed - he was at the strip joint. He said he didn’t buy lap dances, he just watched the dancers, talked to the girls who come up to him. He played pool with one of them…he claimed that he showed them my picture in his cellphone. They said I am hot (according to him)…
    (During those times, he still was his old self – sweet and intense, caring , loving. )
    After he told me those stories, he asked me if I am mad at him for withholding some info. I said I am not – I am really not…but, right now, I can’t fight this brewing feeling of inadequacy. I feel as if I cannot suffice…I feel like competing with them…when he looks at women when we go out, I want to disappear or hide…I feel like my trust had been shattered. I don’t know how to deal with myself right now.
    I am a fragile soul… maybe because I was so sheltered. I am open to adventure, try some new things, but I require commitment and loyalty. Tell me, help me sort this out in my odd brain.

  • Remember they are art work - interesting to look at. You are the real deal.

    Women who work stripping and dancing tend to be pretty hard boiled, users (often drugs and people) and often really dislike men. They see the ugly side and that's where they've chosen to dwell. I had a neighbor who literally bankrupted himself, got evicted, ended up on probation at a job he'd had for over 15 years because he started hanging out in the strip clubs and thinking these women were his freinds. He'd give them rides in the middle of the night, pay their rent, buy them groceries and the crazy thing was he wasn't getting any sex out of it, he just thought he might I guess. As soon as his finances were completely trashed the women would have nothing more to do with him. There are exceptions but in general it's a seamy business.

    It is fantasy, excess and sex completely disconnected from emotion. The only people this appeals to long term are disfunctional anyway. I doubt your bf will really get into it. He sounds like a pretty nice guy.

    Comment


    • I wouldn't doubt him showing them your picture. My friend who works as a dancer tells me that half the time the guys don't want anything sexual, they are lonely. Some are lonely for a girlfriend (not your boyfriend obviously as he has one) but some are lonelyn in the general sense, new location, no friends (which is kind of what he was going through sounds like) sometimes they like to just have people that they know will talk to them.

      It sucks, it does... back in other days it would be the bartender at a local watering whole that would get the unburdening of souls (still is a lot of times) but now its completely uncaring strippers lol, who roll their eyes and laugh later. Who sit with their palm out for another 20 and play counselor and confidant to people.

      Kind of like psychiatrists with no education, in a g string... but hey whatever works. You going to the club with him gave him a level of intimacy with you where he felt like he could open up and share that with you. DON'T make him sorry he did that. While its hard and you hurt, you never want to make him feeling like sharing truth is a bad thing.

      I recently broke down and told my boyfriend the truth about how I felt about him looking at porn, and he set me straight on each and every one of my worst fears about it. He told me exactly why he looks at it, what he thinks (or doesn't) when he does and what place it has with him. All of which the reality of what was/is going on was so much more cold and almost medical than what I had romantisised it to be.

      Men are different. We expect them to think like we do and got shot in the foot every time. They just don't. As long as you see eye to eye on respect and fidelity, love each other and prefer each other, all the other details can be sorted out. It takes time for couples to adjust to what keeps the other happy, what things they can bend on and what things the other needs to bend on.

      You went way out of your comfort zone to try to be a part of something that was just his, to make yours (in the collective sense, you and him) that speaks volumes of your willingness to understand him, and make him happy. Now he, must also give and think of you first, answer your calls , make sure you are okay. Not doing so, while at a place like that gives the impression that they are more important, and of course he doesn't think they are. But he's got to learn how to save you some hurt and worry, and you've got learn how hurt and worry less.

      Its a give and take, but if you love him.. if he loves you. He will avoid causing you unecessary pain and you will avoid trying to fall apart around other females. To give him more credit than that and trust in his love for you. Him knowing your fragile state should go out of his way to make sure you have that extra security blanket on when he is with you in public, until you learn to relax... which of course you must do.. but in time.
      Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.

      Comment


      • You say that he did that at the beginning "your beginning, both of you", not now and from my stance, I can see that he told you from A-Z, didn't miss anything including playing pool with one of them, that's ballsy to tell your girlfriend in detail... But, he also didn't "claim" because he kind of told you it all, he would have shown your photo, that's the woman he's in love with..... A bit different than checking out a bunch of oranges, deciding not to see if they are bruised......

        He also said it was from there that he commenced respecting your thoughts more, calling, texting, emailing more...

        Kind of think that at the beginning of a relationship, you still do do things that you were doing, until you fall in love, then you discuss those things and establish if it bothers the other person or not, or you simply drop doing them cause they don't matter anymore.

        CW
        PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

        Comment


        • Hmm... I would be upset personally. He was out at strip clubs instead of calling you. Sure, he needs to blow of steam and what not but what you told me the other day makes me wonder. You said that he said something to the effect of, "Why would I go to strip clubs when I have someone to strip for me at home?" Okay... So why was he going there before? That just makes me really wonder. He says one thing and does another.
          "All the beats and melodies keep realities at bay but what happens when the records done and starts to fade away? Alone within myself again, I try to veil away my pain. The dirty grey surrounding me 'round..... And now I hear no sound."

          Comment


          • Rationalizing Mode

            WC and HD - We talked this evening and I poured out my concerns about the event. He didn't apologize (literally saying it), but I made it clear to him that it is pointless for me to get upset this time now, it had happened, and we can't take it back. But I told him how hurt I was, he said he understands and will try his best for that not to happen again (I guess his way of saying "sorry"). And yes, he straightened me up, explained to me that that was just a sort of an entertainment to him while he's drinking his beer, being lonely (didn't find any other options - his exact words), nothing to do after work, just chilling out.

            CW - when he told me the story and when we discussed about my feelings, I had the impression that "yep, this is me, take it or leave it" sort of thing. I asked, "Am I going to live with this fact that you go to strip joints?", he said, "you already were"..., which, until now, I am rationalizing if I can live with it. It is still some sort of a culture shock to me.
            He had told me about the ladies during that "no call" time, but he witheld the part that the place was a strip joint. But, yes, during those weeks after the conversation addressing the issue, he became more affectionate.

            TheXMrs - he just said that a while back, like 3 days ago to a new co-worker here in Savannah. The strip issue that I was hurting of is when he was in another city closer to my area.


            Y'all, we have discussed about this yet for me, I have unresolved and mixed feelings, resentment and uncertainty as to whether I proceed or not. It was a bit queer that we "played" this movie in our mind while away from each other today. (You know we're here in Savannah, he's working, and I just hang out in the hotel or explore the city. He took me here, paid my ticket, pays my meals, takes care of me.) The "movie" that we both played was about me wanting to go home, asking him to change my flight, (that was the common scenario). With his next part, he told me to call the airlines (wow, he's really on it! tired of my drama!)... with me, I told him I was letting him go (it stops here). This was part of the conversation this evening - just an FYI.

            With this I had in mind, I shhhh'd myself and forced myself to get a life and explore the city. I went to the port (Savannah River), walked downtown, drove aimlessly, just navigated and then went home. I was in good mood, and so was he. But when I started airing my feelings (conversation above), moods changed, though we both were positively brainstorming. Plans to go out to explore Hilton Head Island eluded us. He said he's tired of my drama, he's tired at work. He napped, I went swimming at the hotel pool. We got back together, played tie down a little, watched Family Guy and other cartoons...warmth was not as before, but OK (kind of I need some space thing). While we were watching, a female co-worker called him (I haven't met her, he was not telling me anything about her until this call), asking him if he can go out with the group that night, he said he's tired, etc... (I felt a little bit of jealousy brewing). I asked if she's hot, he said no (of course, to stop me from my drama).

            As I am typing this, it is 2:46Am here, I woke up and can't go to sleep. I used my laptop and refrained from going out of the room, he might resent me for doing this again (going out the room in the middle of the night). I hope he's sound asleep, and not bothered by the light emanating from my laptoy.

            His coworker had been talking about going to a strip joint over and over and he wants to join them. I told him he can go, I don't mind. That is how I felt then. But as I laid me down to sleep, this had been making my heart beat irregularly. Part of me says don't go, I will feel hurt; don't go while i am here, you can next time you're back here in late July; you can go, but since you brought me here, bring me with you because I might just feel miserable being left alone in the hotel room.

            P.S....he woke up...teased me if I am on second shift... I said kinda...and I'm having acid reflux, i can't lie down...then I told him to bring me with him if they go to a strip joint and buy me a lap dance (awe, got the opportunity, and courage - I hope he remembers, he's half - asleep/awake!).

            I am approaching the dreaded Aunt Flo, which I truly attribute this frequent mood swings and unstable thoughts/emotional state. he knows it and he's trying his best to support me. Though he is in his "pulling away, I want to go to my cave" episode. This occurs to us at the same time, and until now, we're trying to figure how we can deal with it faster and more productively.

            Comment


            • And oh, he said that he could bring me with IF they go to a strip joint. I j ust hope that his 2 co-workers wouldn't look down on me for being such a daring she-ra, even asking for a lap dance...or would they?

              Comment


              • It's none of their business. In a way you are like an orphan, you are out of your element with no family or freinds there, he needs to be aware of that and so do you. It makes you more sensitive and vulnerable. You are bridging cultures and experiences, think of yourself as an explorer. The southern US is a different world within the USA.

                I think you have been doing quite a job of expanding your horizons and being willing to try new things, including going to a strip club. You are getting out of your comfort zone. Do you think he would be willing to get out of his for you? Is there someplace you want to go, something you'd like to do? Remember though, he is there to work, it's great that he wanted to have you there.

                Comment


                • Originally posted by WildChild View Post
                  It's none of their business. In a way you are like an orphan, you are out of your element with no family or freinds there, he needs to be aware of that and so do you. It makes you more sensitive and vulnerable. You are bridging cultures and experiences, think of yourself as an explorer. The southern US is a different world within the USA.

                  I think you have been doing quite a job of expanding your horizons and being willing to try new things, including going to a strip club. You are getting out of your comfort zone. Do you think he would be willing to get out of his for you? Is there someplace you want to go, something you'd like to do? Remember though, he is there to work, it's great that he wanted to have you there.

                  I truly am alone in this foreign place. Including my hormones - period approching, it really is tough. I had these extreme mood swings.

                  He actually booked us a guided kayak tour tonight at 6pm. We also explored downtown together after work. We go out together often, for as long as he's not too exhausted at work.

                  I am feeling more and more grounded with this for now. The only job left is to keep it that way - a tough one.

                  Comment


                  • Okay. This issue had been dealt with. But with the new chapter in our lives being written, i say, we are both growing and learning our lessons as we go.

                    The last straw of trust has been shattered 2 months ago - we broke up. But now, we are again a work in progress - getting back and patching things up. I love how we are doing right now. Though at times, I stop and feel some brewing cloud of doubt. I will share more as I feel them later...Right now, venting (happily).

                    Comment


                    • As long as you are happy, you have a good mind and you can see more than anyone can actually see, cause you see it, we hear and try to figure it...

                      This is probably the hardest "case" haha, I have ever dealt with... it's confusing...I am confused and I am honest.

                      I hope he fesses his love along in that communciation on-going because you deserve it.

                      Your a way special little person....

                      Remember that.
                      PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by CHANDLERS WISH View Post
                        As long as you are happy, you have a good mind and you can see more than anyone can actually see, cause you see it, we hear and try to figure it...

                        This is probably the hardest "case" haha, I have ever dealt with... it's confusing...I am confused and I am honest.

                        I hope he fesses his love along in that communciation on-going because you deserve it.

                        Your a way special little person....

                        Remember that.
                        I hope so, too, Mum. I am very sweet being, and I deserve the best, like you! xx

                        Comment

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