[Morgan]

For the last two years a couple of our closest friends (they are married) have become an embarrassment. I use to be best friends with the wife but we have slowly grown apart. This is mostly due to the fact that when I see her/them they get so drunk they can’t carry on an intelligent conversation. They are rude to our outside friends and will question why we are hanging out with new people like jealous children. I have talked to her about the drinking and possible drug use. She insists that they only drink and only on the weekends. I'm skeptical.

The complication is that our husbands work together. While my relationship with my friend has deteriorated our husband’s relationship hasn’t changed that much. My husband thinks that this as a problem between us wives and he doesn’t feel comfortable with me confronting her because of his relationship with her husband.

I have respected my husband's feelings but lately the situation has worsened. She has verbally attacked me on several occasions and has made a drunken spectacle of herself even at our husband's work functions. She doesn't apologize for these actions but rather act like nothing happened.

They have been our best friends for years but I feel that the friendship has turned toxic. My husband and I have been trying to slowly distance ourselves socially while staying in contact with mutual friends. However we can’t avoid them entirely and every time we see them they guilt us about not hanging out more. I find this strange since she acts like she doesn’t care for me at all. Perhaps she doesn’t, which may be why she drinks so much when she is around me. I feel we may both be trapped in a relationship we have outgrown and if it weren’t for our husbands would have ended long ago.

I just want to know how I can disentangle myself from her and go on with my life?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

If she was a "close" friend for years and wasn't like this, I am suprised that you two haven't sat down and she's told you why the change, why the drinking, why the hurt which she is disrespecting herself, showing herself in the wrong light and talking down to you.

Could it be that she has gone through a really rough patch and feels that you weren't there to "catch her", help her through it?

Best friends are there when the chips are down.

Why don't you go and see her and see if you can be a friend, that she way need, a shoulder.

And, why not do it during a week night, then you won't be skeptical regarding whether they drink all week or not.

People don't turn to alchohol unless there is a major problem with their lives.

That's what I would do with a "long time friend"..

Having said that, I have a girlfriend whom's other 20 year old friend turned to alcohol and she couldn't, get her to stop but my girlfriend ( sister ) of 20 years, tried to help first, at least her other friend knows that she was there and listened to her problems first.

I guess that by doing this you can have closure without guilt.

Her actions may be more so because she feels you gave up on her.

Just my opinion, as you havent stated anywhere in your thread where she changed because of this and that and as a friend you were there trying to help her through it and whilst it's sad, you have to end the friendship.

CW

[Morgan]

Thanks CW for your thoughts. I agree with you.

We've done the mid-week bonding moments where we promise to stay closer but then she doesn't call me back or return my emails. I'm tired of wondering what I did wrong. I feel that the relationship has been very one sided for awhile. I don't want to let her down as a friend but I also don't want to force myself on someone that feels that we have grown apart and wants to move on.

I think normally we would go our separate ways but because of our husbands we see each other almost every weekend. I feel that she drinks because she is unhappy but I wonder if being around me/us is contributing to her unhappiness.

[Tina Lee]

She is definately unhappy, but you are not contributing to her unhappiness. She's doing that on her own. Alcohol is a tool that she uses to hide from her problems.

Also, if she won't communicate with you, what are you supposed to do? You can't force her to talk. From what you say, you've tried reaching out to her a few times, and you've gotten no response.

I am sorry to hear that both of your husbands are working together. That's a tough situation. You don't want to make things difficult for your husband at work, but yet you don't deserve her either.

I honestly don't have an answer for you. But please don't think that you're contributing to her drinking, because you're not. That's all on her!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Where are you up to with this, we'd love you to let us know.

CW