Dumped by best friend

[heyhey]

My first love broke up with me about 2 1/2 months ago because he wasn't happy with his life and himself, so he couldn't be happy with me. Not a bad reason. I fell apart, but having that as the reason made me feel somewhat okay. The thing that REALLY made me feel like I could survive, though, was that he said he would always be my friend.

He told me I could talk to him about how I was feeling. He was my best friend before the relationship, and the most important aspect of our relationship was, of course, the friendship. It takes a lot for me to be close to people, so he was the only one I felt comfortable talking with. We only talked about three times in the month after we broke up, and we were really good at being just friends. We talked about what had happened and how much we wished it had worked out, but we also just laughed and talked about geeky things.

Then he told me to stop worrying about him, and then he sort of fell off the face of the planet for about a month. I was abroad, so I sent him a postcard, and I would occasionally leave him video links on Facebook and such, just like I do with all my friends. Then one day he just told me we couldn't be friends. He said it wouldn't work out and spoke very condescendingly to me.

I was over him by that time. I know that I'm better off now without him as my boyfriend. But he was my very best friend, and he promised repeatedly that he would always be my friend. I counted on him and trusted him enough to get very emotionally close to him, and then he just decided to give up on me.

Has anyone else gone through this? How did you deal with it? Did you just need some time apart? When he said we couldn't be friends, I told him he was always welcome to come back into my life, but that I wasn't going to be the one to contact him, since I don't want to just ask him to be friends if he doesn't really value me. He has to decide he's ready and that our friendship is worth a little work, or whatever he thinks the obstacle is.

I'm really not doing well. I just need some advice.

[sweetpea85]

It's hard for some to be friends after a break up. I think a lot of people like the idea of being friends no matter what, but when it comes down to it and the relationship comes to an end, for whatever reason they change their mind. It sounds like that's what might have happened with him. There could be a number of reasons why he treated you so differently after that month of not communicating.

When he said we couldn't be friends, I told him he was always welcome to come back into my life, but that I wasn't going to be the one to contact him, since I don't want to just ask him to be friends if he doesn't really value me. He has to decide he's ready and that our friendship is worth a little work, or whatever he thinks the obstacle is.

You are very wise! Stick to your word on that one. I've been through this with a friend...my best friend. It's a long story, but we essentially drifted apart during my engagement. For a long time, I held out hope that things would get better and we'd be friends again, but it just never happened and I know now it never will. Things will never be the same. It was incredibly difficult to deal with because I literally felt we were kindred spirits.
Ultimately, I realized that it's really for the better that we're not friends anymore. Obviously our friendship didn't mean that much to her or she wouldn't have just thrown it away so quickly.

I don't mean to make you feel like this will be you. He may just need time. But if not, just try to remind yourself it's for the best...and there is someone out there for you

[heyhey]

It's so hard to stick to my word, though. I still care about him just as much as I always have, so I hate not knowing what's going on in his life. Every day I see, hear, and do a million things to which my first reaction is, "Oh, I should call him; he would get a kick out of this... Oh wait. I can't."

I don't know what I did wrong, or what's wrong with me, that makes me not worth sticking beside, without even an explanation as to WHY being friends wouldn't work out.

I just keep remembering this time when we were together, and we freaked out a bit and for a moment thought we might split up, and he said, "No matter what, I'll always be your friend." I often thought of him in this way when things would get rocky: He will be in my wedding, whether as the groom or as a member of the party. And that got me through doubts, everything. I start sobbing just typing all this.

I gave him so much. I stood by him when he was dealing with all sorts of anxiety and depression, gave him space when he needed some time to sort things out, paid for all his bus tickets to visit me, sent him all kinds of homemade cards and cookies. Most importantly, of course, I gave him my trust, and I gave him my heart and the gift of absolute honesty and openness. I just don't know how I deserve this, and I never want to open my heart to anyone else again if this is how it's going to end up.

If I couldn't hold onto him as a friend, then I don't know how I'll ever keep someone by me for life. I just trusted him so much, and he stepped all over my heart and then kicked me to the curb. Breaking up with me was the right thing to do, but all-out abandoning me was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to me, and it hurts all the more because I trusted him with all my heart, even when I was so scared to trust anyone. And he knew how scared I was of losing him after trusting him so much. That was one of our problems--that I had so much anxiety about being close to anyone. I don't know how he could know that and do this.

Oh, now I'm just whining. But like I said, I don't really have anyone else to talk to now that he's gone.

[heyhey]

Oh gosh, how horrible of me! I didn't even thank you for your kind words, which really were helpful. I sure hope there's someone out there for me.

I'm sorry to hear that you drifted from your best friend, but at least you know it's for the best. If my best friend doesn't come around eventually, I hope I can come to that conclusion.

Gahh, it sucks that for me to seriously love any boyfriend, he'll simply have to be my very best friend, my other half and soul mate. But boyfriends can break up with you, and then there's a good chance you'll be left without a best friend.

I just wish I knew what had happened. One of my friends thinks maybe he didn't like seeing me doing well without him, sending him happy messages and such. That makes sense, I suppose. This friend also thinks that maybe he feels bad about breaking up with me. Of course, friends are supposed to give flattering explanations like that.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The moment you turn a "friendship" into a relationship" it's hard to get back to the friendship unless, the person is secure within themselves.

He is not.

Your comments, he sees in my opinion, as still "likes me" without actually realising that it's okay.

He in my opinion, actually trusted you.. And as such developed a relationship only he can't handle a relationship and so your comments are seen as that.

The moment you say I am in love with someone, and talk to him as a friend watch what will happen.

It is as it is as my ex told me many a time.

CW

[sweetpea85]

Oh gosh, how horrible of me! I didn't even thank you for your kind words, which really were helpful.

It's alright I'm glad they were helpful!

I know it's hard to recover from such a huge, huge blow...but try and keep your chin (and hopes) up...I don't mean to hint that that can be done overnight - it can't! It takes time and it's hard to get over these sorts of things.
Believe me when I say you'd be missing out on some wonderful, beautiful amazing things if you never trust or open up to anyone again! I know it's terrifying to even imagine that this could happen again...but it might not...it probably won't. Because of what you've been through, you'll probably be more guarded. Which isn't all bad...just don't put those walls up completely. The right one will work through those defenses

Stay strong!