[sunnyday]

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over two years now. I love him to death and he me too. The thing is, I've been destroying what could simply be a wonderful relationship due to my insecurities, jealousy, and trust issues. I've been wronged by friends and cheated on in the past and while I understand this is no reason to not trust my current boyfriend, I find it impossible to trust him or anyone. I am constantly paranoid and scared of getting hurt. I also can't seem to like myself and find myself very unattractive despite the endless kind compliments that my boyfriend gives me. I see a pretty girl out in public and I immediatly change my happy attitude towards him by getting angry and accusing him of thinking she is prettier or checking him out. I have so many issues that I create this really awful, nasty behavior that results in me blaming, accusing, and getting angry. Basically, I make our lives awful and more enjoyable when we aren't apart. I don't want to do this and have been trying really hard to overcome these issues, but I find it so hard and I'm struggling for ways to help me.
Then, to add to all of this, my boyfriend broke my heart last night. Let me first point out that in our relationship we have both agreed and discussed what we considered cheating and looking at porn is one of them. It was a mutual agreement and something that neither of us like or care about so we knew if it happened it would be like cheating. I caught porn on his computer last night. It upset me so much that I can't describe. Is this forgivable when we clearly had expectations that this was wrong to do in our relationship? However, he makes me feel guilty for it and he is probably right as much as I just want to be mad at him because he CHOSE to do it and could have just not. The only way I knew he looked at it was because I looked on his computer. That was bad on my own, I understand. But I'm always so paranoid of him doing anything that we consider cheating or disloyal to our relationship. I unfortunately bug him with these types of things on a daily basis too. I ask him over and over for reassurance that he only has eyes for me, that he never looks at porn, etc. I can imagine that this must get very annoying having your partner constantly grill you because they can't give you the trust your due. When I found it though, he didn't even admit it. He tried saying he had no idea what it was. I'm not an idiot, I had caught him! He FINALLY admitted it, but not even completely. He even admitted to never coming clean with it had I never found it. When I asked why he didn't he said because he was afraid of my reaction and he was not ready to admit it. He is one who hates to have to admit to his wrongdoing. I understand the reaction part because I have been very ugly when he has told me some things. I told him I thought he didn't like porn and that he didn't need it. He still said he doesn't, but that he hasn't been feeling close to me because we fight on a daily basis due to my issues and he is just like going through the motions and waiting for the next big storm to come along. Because of this, he said that he was too sad to masturbate over me and in return made a mistake by looking at porn. But if he truly didn't like it and knew it was wrong for our relationship, why did he do it? Why just not masturbate period? Or just not over porn?
I've gotten this relationship to an ugly point due to my horrible behavior. In the past he was the most caring and sweet guy. I think him having to live with my constant accusing, blaming, and lack of trust has made him lose all hope in us. I really was determined to fix this and still have the desire to change my ways so that I can show him how amazing this relationship would have been all along if I wouldn't have let petty things get in the way. But now I also have this porn issue on my hands and as to whether it is something I can forgive him for. I think in my head, I can't ever forgive him. I'll always imagine him masturbating over some other women in porn and it will make me paranoid and disgusted. Yet, I am no angel. I've done wrongdoings and he's always forgiven me. He's also so afraid to tell me things nowadays because I never handle things the way I should so I'm afraid of constantly wondering if I really can ever trust him. How do you change something like that? Is he really an honest man, but that my actions would make anyone want to avoid the truth? I really value honesty and I thought he did too.
Is it forgivable when we considered it cheating for us? Is it really just my fault and that I should get over it and fix my issues?
I'm just so upset at how I've brought our relationship to this point and over the discovery of the porn.
Any kind of feedback on any of it would be very appreciated.

[caterpillar79]

Sweetie, men are men...they like to look at nude females. We have to face this sad truth. It is like a child in a candy store, craving and imagining how that candy tastes like, knowing that he couldn't have too much of it, else he'll get tooth decay soon.

All you can do now, is ask yourself if this what you want in the long term. He can always promise you that he will not look at it, will not do it, he doesn't need it, etc...but believe it or not, there will come a point that he WILL! I have seen that happen. If you can honestly tell yourself that you can live with it, then, stop whining about it. Accept that he's a man, a normal guy who likes to see nude females period. You must work on yourself and try your best to feel comfortable on your own skin, being yourself.

If you feel like you are competing for his attention because of his porn, then there is wrong to either you or him, or both. Bring this to the table, talk about it starting on how you feel about it and then come to an agreement. Complaining, whining and jealousy will never resolve your issues. if you can disagree in order to agree, then, you can work this out. good luck.

[happy ending]

bluntly and simply either you work out your issues either with the help of counselling or medical help or say goodbye. no one should have to put up with the controlling carp your handing out. you are an abuser, and a bully and whether is your insecurities or whatever, there is not need to take it out on your partner. either work out your issues now or get accostumed to a lonely life.

[WildChild]

I do agree with Happy that counseling is in order - for both of you. For you to stop this behavior and for him to understand why he has been willing to tollerate it. The porn is a minor issue, your behavior is a biggie.

Consider this; what is the worst thing that could happen if you weren't jealous, controlling and insecure? MAYBE you might get hurt sometime. What is the most likely thing than will happen if you continue to be jealous, controlling and insecure? YOU WILL get exactly what you have been looking for and making accusations of.

Energy flows where attention goes!
Where is your attention going?
Where is your energy going?

Get help. Forget the porn - look at yourself. I'm not into the religious stuff but the bit about noticing the speck in someone else's eye when you have a great big honkin fence post in yours, rings true.

[ariel571]

Dear Sunnyday,

I am so worried for you...and I think the one thing you need to do before you do anything else is to learn to love yourself.

Do you feel that it reflects badly on you in some way if he looks at porn? It doesn't... His actions are all about him....not you... But you know...if you love yourself and become more self-confident, he will see you in a different way, too. Don't despair...be the change you want to see. Let the change begin with you. Every little bit makes a difference...and do it for yourself, not for him.

Please take care of yourself. Go outside- take a deep breath...breathe in all the wonders that have yet to be discovered around you and do not let small minded people drag you down. Learn to enjoy life and don't forget to smile! Rise above and live to the fullest!!! Appreciate yourself and never doubt. Inside your heart you know what is right and what is beautiful about you inside and out....listen to it...and don't be so hard on yourself. (Besides, I believe there is a bit of the goddess in all of us...so let it out. )

Stay strong always...
Love and light to you!

[Ahryin]

Sunny the point of the matter is you aren't ready to be in a relationship. Not a commited one. I have been cheated on and hurt, lied to etc but I am no where near the point you are. HOnestly I believe you need to find a counselour, be single and work on your personal issues. That is what will benefit you best. Your guy should understand and if he loves you will wait on the great chance that when you are finished healing and discovering and demolishing the hidden demons haunting you that you will be a much greater asset and woman to him.
Did you ever consider that your constant mistrust and nagging is what drove him to look at porn in the first place?
Don't get me wrong I understand that you and him had an agreement...but you are Looking for Mr. Perfect (you might have had him) but you yourself are not perfect..you are tarnished and in great need of repair. You are treading on thin waters and risk loosing not only him but yourself

[Kakie]

I have to agree with happy and wildchild that talking to someone in a councilling capacity may be a good road to go down. discussing whether or not your expectations for your relationship are reasonable, how to compromise, etc.

I'm also quite a jealous person, always getting a case of the green-eyed monster when i see my boyfriend chatting with other girls, and we got to a point where he admitted to me that he wouldn't tell me of occasions when he was going to be around other girls because he feared it'd provoke me. it was at that point that i kind of took a step back and looked at what i'd become, because of one guy cheating on me in the past i'd turned into an unreasonable, controlling freak... what helped me change was the realisation that a) me being like that was only going to push him towards other girls if he was tempted.. and b) he was with me for a reason, he doesn't have to be with me, if he wanted to be with other people then he wouldn't have to cheat, he could just break up with me and go for it..

so i think you should maybe go and talk to someone professionally about how you are feeling about your relationship, unless you can change your mindset independently. it won't happen overnight, but it is possible.. similarly i understand that you may feel hurt that he looked at porn when you'd both agreed that you wouldn't, however this is a totally unreasonable expectation, everybody needs an innocent release every now and again.. surely you'd prefer he looked at porn than he chased other women?.. also he may well have agreed to this bizarre condition because he felt pressured by you? knowing how jealous you get?

just a few thoughts, i may be totally off base though.. i hope you work it out either way

[happy ending]

i see a lot of excuses you are using to yourself and probably him - for example i have been cheated on and wronged in the past - well take a number and get in line. we have all had similar experiences, what you describe in your post is not love but control, obsession. this is not love but really the opposite of love. i am not joking when i say you will lead a very lonely life, i know someone who is your identical twin sister (well just about) and although attractive, successful etc, cant maintain a relationship. it starts out fine, because she hides her true nature but after say 3 months it shows itself, a month or so later she is once again on her own. she has had two marriages and literally a 100 boyfriends but it never works out. do you really want a life like that, so get into counselling before your boyfriend MANS UP and tells you to get lost!

[sunnyday]

I just wanted to thank you all for taking the time to respond.
I agree with a lot of what most of you said, and I finally braved up and started counseling yesterday. I know it's very much so needed for me to fix my issues, and I'm trying the best I can to head that direction. I'm hoping counseling helps. I have only had one appointment, but it did feel good to have someone to talk to about it all.
Thanks again!

[Ahryin]

Counseling works when you allow them to help, trust me I know! I've been there and at times still have to deal with issues. I know its hard to trust once you've been hurt...needles to say when you have been hurt repeatedly...so we all understand. If you need someone to talk to or just someone to listen....I'm here baby girl