Women's Health Interactive Forums

  • If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Women, Marriage, Culture...RANT

Collapse
X
Collapse
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Women, Marriage, Culture...RANT

    I just need to get this out...

    Im East Indian, South Asian, whatever you want...And in our culture, traditionally, women are supposed to be married at a particular age, to a particular caste boy (equal level or higher), and then THAT is when her life really starts...I mean really, thats what it is. Alot of families have kinda stepped away from the traditionalist ways in this regard but no matter what, almost all of them still believe that girls are really just existing and dont start living until they get married...

    My parents started talking about it when I was 10...10!

    Can we not talk about my work? My friends? Other aspects of my life? Why cant people just mind their own business???

    Someone told my dad yesterday that I should've been married off when I was 19 and that my age (25) is way too old...I should be expecting to breed within a year...Like WHAT??? Im not ready to have a kid! Im not ready for marriage! My dad loves to listen to other people, heed their advice as much as possible...When its one of us who has something to say, all of a sudden he's deaf...

    I realize I dont have to listen to what other people say, its not my job to please the planet, but God, it just irritates me...

    Everyone I meet asks if Im married...that is the first question when Im attending one of these indian community functions or whatever...What caste is the boy? Where is he from? What does he do? How old is he? How old are you?

    Im not going out anymore...too much mental anguish...

    Feel, better...thank you...nonsensical rant OVA...
    The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

  • Wow hun. If it makes you feel any better, I get asked the are you married question alllllll the time and oh yeah how many kids do you have. As if 26 is like the end of the line. not everyone is married with kids at 26. and I have to ask, you should be expecting to breed in the next yr? Are you some kind of animal? I understand when we have children, it is considered breeding but us as humans with the ability to speak have better ways of saying it. LOL!!! I am by far poking fun of your traditions. I know very little about it but I agree you should have your own voice.
    Krystal

    Comment


    • Originally posted by Kallygirlie View Post
      Wow hun. If it makes you feel any better, I get asked the are you married question alllllll the time and oh yeah how many kids do you have. As if 26 is like the end of the line. not everyone is married with kids at 26. and I have to ask, you should be expecting to breed in the next yr? Are you some kind of animal? I understand when we have children, it is considered breeding but us as humans with the ability to speak have better ways of saying it. LOL!!! I am by far poking fun of your traditions. I know very little about it but I agree you should have your own voice.
      Lol, exactly! Nah, its not even the whole "breeding" (his words, not mine) concept even...Its just, after a while you get sick of it...At least I do...My uncle, my dad's brother who I grew up around and we were very close, tried to set me up with his wife's neighbour back in the old country so the guy could get a visa to come to Canada...And this kinda stuff is normal...Thats what bugs me...This is NORMAL behaviour, to play around with people's lives like this...My cousin has been married 4 times...Every time they would get the guy here, he would run off, sometimes with her money and personal belongings...Like this is some kind of big joke to people...How can someone do that a person 4 times! Its her parents' idea...and she's too respectful to say anything...Parents are supposed to look out for their children, you know? You dont raise her for 18 years and then hand her off to the first mofo that appears decent...

      This here, this is it...my breaking point...One more person with a similar comment is going to get it...My wrath...
      The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

      Comment


      • One of my best friends is Sindhi, she has a lot of the same problems. She's one of the best-put-together people I know, but when it comes to marriage/babies ... she's just not ready. She's got other priorities, she wants to be a chemist, she wants to see the world (she's been back to India, France, Alaska, and here in TN where we went to college in the last 6 months!) ... she's just got other things going on. But we talked a lot about her parents' expectations of her, and they're the same as yours.
        You're not alone out there I feel the same expectations from my parents, even though I'm mostly white bread American. Is my boyfriend good enough for them? Am I doing enough to make them proud? Etc, and I don't even see them more than 4-5 times a year. It's normal, just that your parents and family are more outspoken and specific about it than others because it's part of their culture.
        <center><i>Nature gives us shapeless shapes,<br>Clouds and waves and flame,<br>But human expectation is that love remains the same,<br>And when it doesn’t, we point our fingers and blame.</i><br><a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/register.php">Register</a>|<a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/members/little.html">Contact Admin</a>|<a href="mailto:support*womens-health.com?subject=Forum Contact">Email Admin</a></center>

        Comment


        • Many cultures either value women only or primarily, for producing children - preferably male children. Generally in these belief systems virginity is highly valued (in some cases to the point that a girl who isn't will be killed) education for girls doesn't get much priority and males make the decisions. Usually the females are so indoctrinated, like your cousin, that they support the system that represses them. This is an international problem that needs to be vigorously addressed by women and men around the world. Genital mutilation must stop. Forced marriages must stop. Selling children (most often girls) must stop. The applogist arguements about preserving or "respecting", "traditional" practices don't wash in the face of the level of human suffering caused by these practices. Some things (just like canibalism or human sacrifice) need to be part of history, not life.

          Even in cultures such as your parents', that aren't so extreme, the vestiges still linger. You are fortunate to be in a place where you have options, places to go if things were to get too difficult and you have the ability to support yourself and live on your own should you choose to. There are American women who end up in court and bring themselves close to bankruptcy to keep their kids away from men who support this kind of thinking and basically want to sell their daughters into arranged marriages, for whatever reasons. Many live in hiding because they made a poor choice in who fathered their children. People don't believe that it happens "here" but it does.

          Stick to your goals and needs and what will bring you happiness in your life. You can't live your parents life nor can they control yours forever. The choices are yours but some of them may be tough.

          Comment


          • Gawd, I got engaged at 25 for the same reason, pressure from family, when are you getting married? lol.

            They will all get over it.. especially when you do and have that little bubs, then you won't have to ever worry about it.

            I have this method for things... Keep away from negativity, only be around positive people......

            So, don't go to those functions and smile sweetly, because those that are asking you are married, were at 17, don't really like their life and would be insanely jealous that you get to live yours your way....
            PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

            Comment


            • Of course once you do get married then the question changes to: when are you having a baby?

              Comment


              • next time u r at one of your "family functions" and the nosy questions begin just say "i am a quarter of a century old and i know i am being selfish but i want a man that i am in love with"..if they ask any further questions then they obviously did not pick up on your sarcasm
                [I]a smart man learns from his mistakes..a wise man learns from the mistakes of others..[/I]

                Comment


                • Originally posted by WildChild View Post
                  Of course once you do get married then the question changes to: when are you having a baby?
                  Everywhere we go, women see her ring and ask when we're getting married.
                  Then they say that she did a "good job" without even giving me a glance.

                  How's that for progress?

                  Comment


                  • It can be really difficult when you're straddling two cultures and mindsets. Your parents are following their traditional culture, and you are following the culture that you were raised in (at least in this regard). While you were fortunate to be exposed to both cultures and can understand each, your parents may have left their country when they were too old to have their habits shaped or changed any differently. So basically, you can understand them but they don't understand you. There are pros and cons to every culture and society, and forced marriages are an unfortunate con practiced in some societies.

                    While you can't change your family or the people around you, you can change your own response and reaction to them. When they start irritating you, just remind yourself that most of them do it because they care about you and want you to be on what they perceive to be the 'right track;' their intentions stem from concern and ignorance. Don't take it personally. You are the one person who knows what is best for your life, so perhaps just smile and thank them for their advice/concern and change the subject. When dealing with difficult people, I find it best to not defend (because they won't listen to your reasoning anyway) but to redirect. Just like in martial arts, when you're being attacked, the best defense is to use a block in order to redirect the energy and prevent yourself from absorbing most of the blow.

                    An example might look like this:

                    A: You're 25 already? When are you getting married? You know the longer you wait, the fewer available guys there will be. I was married by the time I was 20 and had kids by your age!

                    You: Hey a lot of guys like older women! (making a joke, making a serious situation light, keeping A on the surface and not allowing them to dig deeper and get personal). Speaking of kids, did you hear who just got pregnant?

                    A: <completely distracted and taking the bait>

                    I'm starting to learn the art of this because my family would eat me alive if I didn't. My views are very different from theirs and instead of sitting around arguing all the time, feeling upset, negative, angry - it's easier to keep positive energy and a light tone by simply redirecting the conversation. I just can't let them get too deep; it all has to stay fairly surface. Give value to what they are trying to express (i.e. concern for your well being) and leave it at that - change the topic or try to tangent off on something else. Most people will fall for it.

                    Plus, also keep in mind that any person who makes you angry or upset essentially controls you. Don't let other people control you. Only you should control you. Take a deep breath and shake it off (although admittedly being hounded about your marital status can break down even the strongest of us!).

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by WildChild View Post
                      Of course once you do get married then the question changes to: when are you having a baby?
                      could always be like my boyfriend family. My boyfriend will say we have good news and they say "what your pregnant!!!" Its like come on, can we live our lives. My boyfriend feels so pressured to propose and its his family doin git
                      Krystal

                      Comment


                      • We don't have that strict age rules about marrying in my culture (I'm Asian too).

                        But some parents in this continent can be really demanding. My parents are lax but I know some who would pressure their children to be honor students, get to top schools, and marry someone very rich, handsome and career-driven. Lol.

                        Some parents will not pressure the daughter, but they will make her feel so undesirable by reminding her everyday that she is not engaged to be married.

                        It's pain in the , I know.

                        I'm around your age too. Don't worry. There may be less available men our age but we could always date younger ones! (Cougar mode, yeah!) I realized I don't want to be with someone my age or a bit older. Things can get too serious fast (yes, even if he is a Westerner); there is an assumption that you are planning to settle down soon. At least, with a younger guy, you can just have a casual relationship and concentrate on you work, school and other interests. You won't have those annoying talks about commitmentphobia and all that from men. (Just because we mentioned kids doesn't mean we want to have children with them! Duh!!)

                        Don't mind them. Just enjoy.

                        I already have enough insecurity, jealousy and attachment problems. The last thing I need is pressure from parents. **whew**

                        Comment


                        • Similar to where I come from. Everyone is beginning to look at me as a failure cos I am not married at 27.
                          I was telling an uncle about my plan to start my masters and he was lie: no. I shld get married. Men don't like women who are too accomplished!

                          A friend of mine is geting married to a guy she met on the phone! Infact they have already done a court wedding! His frien represented him.
                          So he is goig to come back for the whitewedding, and then both of them leave after that.
                          I was trying to advice her about her decision and she went:
                          Hmmm. I have been trying to even hook you up with one of my hubby's friends. I think you shld consider. You are getting old! Marriage is a duty. You need to just go into it, have children and make urself happy!

                          I was shocked! Besides here, divorced women r looked on as if they have a disease. Its like a stigma! So u r forced to take from men all In the name of staying back.
                          My mum was hospitalised severally becos of my dad beating her for stupid reasons like: I called u and u did not answer! Imagine.

                          Wife beating is legal here. No police would arrest anyone for beating his wife.
                          If you can't bear a male child, your husband would be coerced into marrying a second wife (with you in the house) and the three of u wld live together!

                          The pressure to get married n the culture is suffocating!
                          Worrying is Mental Punishment. Quit worrying over what you cannot control

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by jaygirlweek96 View Post
                            Similar to where I come from. Everyone is beginning to look at me as a failure cos I am not married at 27.

                            Wife beating is legal here. No police would arrest anyone for beating his wife.
                            I'm just curious but where are you? This sounds so dreadful, especially the beating being legal.
                            Do not dwell in the past,
                            do not dream of the future,
                            concentrate the mind on the present moment.

                            -Lord Buddha

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by jaygirlweek96 View Post
                              I was telling an uncle about my plan to start my masters and he was lie: no. I shld get married. Men don't like women who are too accomplished!
                              Master's degree?

                              I thought you said you were a doctor.

                              Comment

                              or

                              Womens Health orange logoGet The Newsletter

                              Receive our passionately crafted, medically reviewed articles and insights — the stuff nobody else talks about but you want to know — delivered right to your inbox.

                              Latest Activity On Our Forums

                              Collapse

                              Latest Topics On Our Forums

                              Collapse

                              • Sex with my daughters Boyfriend???

                                Long story short, this guy has been with my daughter for 10 years. They just bought a house and had a new-born. After retiring, I've been helping out...

                                06-15-2021, 09:35 PM By BlondeCougar
                              • Normal to Like Significant Other Walking Around Nude in House with a Bush?

                                Is it normal to like your partner to walk around fully nude in the house with a bush? To enjoy looking at "big chest" and "big behind"?...

                                06-14-2021, 05:14 PM By lakeocean
                              • Erotica

                                I love erotica! It’s such a fun way to get off. Stimulating the mind and body at the same time. If you like to read erotica too, I’d like to know...

                                06-09-2021, 12:14 PM By Zoë T.
                              • Ever Tried Laser Hair Removal?

                                I’m interested in getting laser hair removal for my pubic hair and armpits. I’m worried about the pain aspect of laser hair removal - if you’ve...

                                06-09-2021, 11:40 AM By Zoë T.
                              • Grower vs Shower

                                Does anybody have experience with a guy's penis changing significantly in length when getting hard?? Or not changing at all? I've only experienced a tiny...

                                06-03-2021, 04:40 PM By Julia W.
                              Working...
                              X