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Would You tell a friend her husband is cheating?

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  • Would You tell a friend her husband is cheating?

    Knowing the pain of being cheated on myself, and having recently found out that my friends husband is cheating on her (saw him at a bar kissing some woman we didn't know) i am not sure what to do.

    Should I be a friend and tell her, (but if so how do i put it to her?) Or do i leave well alone because its none of my business. (I am trying to solve things in my relationship at the moment and I have a lot on my plate, and I am really not sure what to do or how to go about doing things).

    I am fairly close to both the husband and the wife. This is such a difficult situation.
    One can never get too much lovin'

    "He who does nothing, gets Bored"

    [outbound link removed by Admin - not allowed!]

  • Not really sure what i would do... But is it possible to talk to the husband. If you are close with the husband, tell him what you saw, tell him that you feel as a friend that the wife has a right to know. Not that he'd answer, but what are his intentions with the affair? Leave the wife, grass is greener, fling, etc.

    Honestly, I have no idea what I would do in your position... That's a tough one, but if you can avoid being the one to break the news to the wife and have him be the one to do it, that's the direction I think it needs to go.

    Comment


    • I'd worry about the possibility of her reacting badly to your revelation. Your heart might be in the right place and you'd just be wanting to help as a friend, but she might redirect her anger about the disappointment and humiliation at you instead. The husband isn't going to be happy either, and in the end you might end up losing both of them as friends.

      LanaBear's idea is a good one. You might want to approach the husband instead and hope that he'll come clean to his wife. But he might also not say anything, start telling the wife little untrue stories about something to get her to keep her distance from you, and then you might end up losing both of them as friends as well.

      You could keep quiet and not say anything. Neither one of them would have to know that you know anything. But then you would have to answer to your conscience. They're your friends after all, and I know I would want to know if I was with someone and a friend saw her cheat on me.

      It's a really tough call.

      Comment


      • Originally posted by tasha1133 View Post
        Knowing the pain of being cheated on myself, and having recently found out that my friends husband is cheating on her (saw him at a bar kissing some woman we didn't know) i am not sure what to do.

        Should I be a friend and tell her, (but if so how do i put it to her?) Or do i leave well alone because its none of my business. (I am trying to solve things in my relationship at the moment and I have a lot on my plate, and I am really not sure what to do or how to go about doing things).

        I am fairly close to both the husband and the wife. This is such a difficult situation.
        If the kiss you saw was "pashing", then he cheated. But, if it was a kiss non lingering she could have been anyone, just want to throw that one in

        It's not up to us, unfortunately it causes more problems, ie) the girlfriend may not believe you, may beleive his tale and you lose a friend.

        And, your fear more than likely is what if she finds out and then establishes that you knew all along, then you lose a friend.

        So, I agree with Lana, talk to him. Tell him you know, tell him your not going to say anything because he is... as you appreciate it would be better coming from him, one on one.. and make that clear, leaving doubt in his mind that if he didn't you may....

        Then be there for her when she needs you....

        You at least can say, I didn't want to hurt you by it being second hand, so I spoke with him and made it clear he had to talk to you...

        The alternative is to send an anonymous letter, " next time your husband isn't home check out this bar and who he is with" from a friend.

        CW
        PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

        Comment


        • If she's a dear friend, talk to the husband. Ask him what he is doing... tell him you know but ask him if its a fling? Is he going to leave his wife? If its a fling perhaps getting caught might be the wake up call he needs to see he could be throwing everything away if he doesn't straighten up fast.

          Perhaps if it was just the one night, and he didn't go further than that kiss you saw , things could change and your friends heart wouldn't have to be broken in the process... but if it went further than that... and he wasn't careful -- could he be putting her at risk for a disease? ETC? What one doesn't know can't hurt them is both true, especially in this case, depending on the circumstances of the affair.

          Of course he could get all strategic and decide he's not giving up his cake and eating it too and launch an attack you to his wife before you get to... saying you hit on him.. something, anything to deminish your credibility if you were to ever tell her... etc.

          I don't envy your position, I personally don't know what I would do. Maybe your friend already knows... and you telling her, pushing the truth into her already in denial brain will cause her to push YOU away to keep her dillusions of it not happening (even though she's fully aware) in tact.

          Most women KNOW... they know... men are never as slick as they think they are, if she's at all in tune to the relationship... there's probably an indicator something is amiss unless the guys a sociopath.
          Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.

          Comment


          • I'd stay out of this. Sometimes these things are more complex than they seem. If you haven't seen it with your own eyes, you don't really know what is going on. If you have - you still don't know what sort of arangement they may have.

            Comment


            • I'd tell the husband what I saw and ask him to tell his wife soon or else I would. I wouldn't be able to let my friend stay with a man who kisses women like that. I'd rather she hated me for knowing and not telling her but saving her from such a man, than ignore the incident and let her get even more hurt by him. I'd feel their relationship would be more important than our friendship and if she's a true friend with an open heart she'd might forgive me one day. But I wouldn't be able to ignore it.

              Comment


              • I agree with everyone in that I'd talk to the husband and let him know you knew and see actually what his explanation was. I don't however believe I'd say anything to the friend as things like this seem to backfire on the informer despite best intentions. Were it my sister or blood relative, I might do it but in reference to what I said in a similar post, I'd let their karmas deal with it and keep the friendship with your friend as it is.

                Just my take.
                Do not dwell in the past,
                do not dream of the future,
                concentrate the mind on the present moment.

                -Lord Buddha

                Comment


                • I agree that talking to the husband first would probably be the best and most couth option.

                  Maybe he'll come to his senses and quit cheating on his wife.

                  Your words could very well keep him from making a big mistake.

                  Comment


                  • yes actually if i could bring my self to do it, talking to hubbie first is probably a better option. it might bring him to his senses, or even knowing he has been sprung might shake him up a little, however, he may take the opportunity to try and sabotage your friendship, so if you do inform his wife later, you have less creditability it all depends on how his mind works.

                    Comment


                    • i know i sound paranoid, but i'm not i merely spent years of my life with a very accomplished lyer. The surprise attack can occasionally produce the truth!

                      Comment


                      • tell her. shes an adult. she can decide for herself what she does with that information. but i would tell her, because i know how i'd feel if i was in her shoes and i wasn't told.
                        although i'd be wary that she may not believe you.

                        Comment


                        • I was in this very situation a long time ago. And I told my friend. Needless to say, we've never spoken since. She turned her anger toward me, didn't believe me, etc. She was a great friend. But love is love, and husbands are husbands....It depends on the woman. My friend didn't want to believe it. Then all of a sudden, he became the best thing on 2 legs in her eyes, and he could do absolutely no wrong. He was a butthead, and treated her like . I think, about a year or 2 later, they divorced. But I've still never talked to her. It hurt to lose the friendship, especially over that loser. But he was everything to her....

                          Friends kind of get the poop end of the stick in these situations. You're darned if you do, and darned if you don't. If say something, you risk losing your friend. If you don't say anything, and know something, and the friend finds out, you risk losing the friend.

                          I think, if you know the husband well enough, then yes, say something to him. But again, you run the risk of him turning the wife against you to lose credibility. My friend's husband was a butthead, so trying to talk to him was a waste of time. I asked my b/f at the time to talk to him....didn't do any good either.

                          I was in another situation where my best friends boyfriend tried to kiss me. I was absolutely beside myself! I yelled at him, told him to go home. I immediately called my friend and told her. I was in tears, because I was so afraid she would think I brought it on, somehow. She cried too, and said she knew that would happen. We went back and forth about it, she wanted both me and her b/f together to talk about it. I said my peace, and he denied the whole thing, calling me a liar, a B, etc. I just told her "I have no reason to lie to you, he does" Our friendship teatered for a bit, but 11 years later, we're still going strong, and she ditched that guy. (thankfully) But it was a rough time. I understood where she was coming from. She loved the guy...she WANTED to believe him...but she also knew that I had no reason to lie to her about it.

                          One thing to remember...as a woman, you can have a best friend. But if it comes down to a husband vs a friend...its a tough call.
                          Good Luck
                          Make Today Better than Yesterday

                          Comment


                          • There are conflicting opinions, both of which have a point. Which is the initial reason; why I was torn between my options . But I think I’ll ask my friend "hypothetically" what she'd do if she saw a friend's husband cheating on his wife. And let my actions follow, depending on her answer. (if she says she'd rather know, if it was her, then ill tell her i saw her husband kissing someone else(without adding or leaving anything out); if she says its none of her business she shouldn't get involved then I wont tell.) This is the best compromise I can think of. I really don't want to get caught in the middle.

                            Thank you for your replies. Very much appreciated.
                            One can never get too much lovin'

                            "He who does nothing, gets Bored"

                            [outbound link removed by Admin - not allowed!]

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by tasha1133 View Post
                              There are conflicting opinions, both of which have a point. Which is the initial reason; why I was torn between my options . But I think I’ll ask my friend "hypothetically" what she'd do if she saw a friend's husband cheating on his wife. And let my actions follow, depending on her answer. (if she says she'd rather know, if it was her, then ill tell her i saw her husband kissing someone else(without adding or leaving anything out); if she says its none of her business she shouldn't get involved then I wont tell.) This is the best compromise I can think of. I really don't want to get caught in the middle.

                              Thank you for your replies. Very much appreciated.
                              What if she "hypothetically" asks you 'how did you come up with such a question' and she starts to have doubts about her husband or you knowing something?

                              Comment

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