[psu09]

I need your opponions on something. My live-in boyfriend and I work together, sometime closely. I work in a building with alot of attractive women. I notice he is constantly gawcking at other women when he is working with me. I also took notice to it when we're out together. It's the way he does it that bugs me not so much that he does it. It's sneeky and a little WEIRD. Pretending to be doing one thing but eyes are focused somewhere else. This came to my attention accidentilly but now I'm looking for it. It's the type of looking that ****es us women off more then feels like a compliment. That's my best way of putting it.
This makes me feel terrible about myself. Like I'm no longer good enough.

Our background........we quickly got serious and moved in together. It's been about a year now. I feel like I may have made a mistake on this one. I keep asking myself "is he the wonderful guy I thought he was?"
I am 42 and divorced and don't want to make another mistake.

So just give me some feedback on this, please.

[Guest]

Well, were you having doubts before you noticed his wandering eye, or did his wandering eye bring the doubt on?

If it's the latter - have a chat with him if you haven't already. If it really bugs you, he should know. Don't judge him, though...I'd be willing to bet you take a peek every once in a while. It's human nature to observe, especially beautiful things.

Good luck.

[Hopeless Dork]

I always took great pride in the fact that my bf was not a gawker... we'd be around the prettiest of girls and his eyes would never leave me in any way that I could notice... in fact he made me feel even more tended to in situations that could cause a little insecurity.

There's something awesome about when a guy gives you his full attention when there are obvious distractions. There isn't one other thing he does that makes me feel more special and loved than that.

So the day he broke form and gawked at another woman... in the way you describe -- pretending to be doing something else to just to get a better look see crushed me. I let him know how and why it hurt me... and he was very very sorry.

I didn't get mad or yell or accuse I just explained how much it meant to me the way he made me feel like I was the only girl that mattered and if he was no longer going to make me feel that way --- he'd be robbing himself and me of one of the traits about him that made me fall in love with him in the first place.

He knew what he did was out of line , hurtful and that he would not like it if I disrespected him and paid attention to the guys that hit on me etc... he got it. It clicked and he hasn't let me notice him doing something like that again.

I think if I hadn't said anything...if he didn't realize it bothered me it could have been a behavior that he continued, one that lead me to hurt, one that lead me to lose essential feelings for him that would have ended up hurting both of us.

Its important to talk to your guy in a way that isn't attacking, but in a way that he can understand how this behavior effects you. If he cares about how you feel -- he will correct this pronto... if he doesn't... you may have to decide if you really want to spend your days with someone that doesn't care about protecting your heart like the fragile glass it can be sometimes.

[LanaBear]

Pop him upside the head and call him out on it. Let him know that you DO notice this. Like that new Corona commercial where you see his head turn as the girl in the bikini walks by, the lady he's with squirts the lime at him.

[KMonte85]

I agree with the above comments. He needs to be made aware that his blantant looking at other women bothers you.

Although I would be wary of the difference between if he is GAWKING or GLANCING. One is obviously more forgivable than the other. If he's standing there drooling on himself and ignoring all sights and sounds (including yours) as soon as a pretty girl comes into view, then a firm discussion with him is needed so he knows how hurtful that is. That goes from innocent to into creepyland....

.....BUT if a pretty girl walks by and he glances for a millisecond before coming back to reality, it should not be such a huge blow to you. If someone looking like Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson came into my line of vision I might have to sneak a quick, appreciative peek - just as I would expect my boyfriend would if a Megan Fox look-alike sauntered past him in the grocery store. Heck, if anything it might add a little light to the fire for later on that night when you two are lovingly gazing at each other

[CHANDLERS WISH]

There's a reason why you have doubts and this isn't it, I don't believe.

That "type" of look, is viewing us as "meat"...

But, taking that out.. It's how he treats you. If you feel that he won you over at the inset but looking back, that changed quickly once he "had you" living together etc, then I would say your a trophy/possession.

If he however, treats you well and is loving and doesn't just have "sex" then it could be a simple thing like he doesn't want to get caught looking.. He could have been this way as a child.

CW

[WildChild]

That LOML and I had a conversation about this really early on. I don't mind the looking, just not the drooling and panting. He says it's like looking at art, it might be a nice looking bowl of fruit but he knows he can't eat it.

At first he didn't really quite believe that I wasn't going to get all worked up about it. He'd ask, "are you sure it didn't bother you that I looked at that girl?" He was so used to not being trusted and being ragged on that he couldn't quite believe it. It's no longer a concern or question he knows I will trust implicitly unless he gives me a reason not to.

[Hopeless Dork]

Its a respect thing for me. By all means steal a glance - heck steal a few but if ur so obvious I see it - she sees it - others see it then I think it makes me feel like all parties involved think he's a jerk.

And I don't want to be the girl with a jerk on her arm.

Its like if a guy hits on me in front of my guy- I ignore it and put all of my attention on him. I don't want him to feel disrespected.

I expect the same.

[blowfish]

i'm agree, just talk to him , sometime when that happens to me i will make a small talk to him like " hey i think she 's cute, what do u think?"
i just wanna show hin that i notice and its dont really bother me (even when its bother me) just ask what his thingking before u judge

[Texasred]

... ...He could have been this way as a child.

CW

Yes, he might have been raised by hyenas and just not know any better!

Give the guy a chance - one chance - and tell him how it makes you feel; but it's a respect issue, and if he won't show you respect in public that's a really bad sign. It's not asking very much to pay attention only to the woman you're with, and it's not that hard to do.