[aminah09]

I have been married for 5 years.It hasnt been the best but we love eachother alot and have beautiful kids together.We have had some communication issues where we dont talk to eachother right and i think over time it built up.Recently i have been depressed because i had a miscarriage at 3 months pregnant and it hurts me that it happened but i know everything happens for a reason.But since he has seen me so upset and miserable he thinks I am not treating him right,but I feel like he isnt understanding me or talking to me enough about what is bothering me.I layed in my bed the other night and just cried silently because i feel like he would just minimize how i feel and tell me i am exaggerating if i tell him exactly how i feel.And this is not an assumption but he does this to me all the time about how i feel about things....Now the point is.I found the index.dat files in my computer because we got a virus and i found pornos on the computer and the kids said he watched it while they were playing around him and he told them to go in the other room.I found that almost everytime i go out for a long period of time he watched porn.I started feeling hopeless because this is something that i dont get over and i honestly dont want to get over i just want to know what it did for him and why he was doing it and he said its misery and he doesnt even enjoy it hes just hopeless.But just like people smoke to get high it had to do something .Also it may have been for humor too because he was watching some weirder types of porn that were kind of funny.But non the less this is something i have an extremely hard time getting over,and it makes me not even want to have sex with him anymore...Any advice?Should i move on if i think there may be no light at the end of the tunnel?Or give it time...i dont know any more because we have drifted apart so much lately.Anyone interested in this thread please dont make it one to put people down.I would like it to be a discussion about peoples experiences.I know some women dont care or mind,but there are many more that are totally against it.Any advice or help or comments please do so.thanks.

[GlitterAndStuds]

First off, I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I've never been through it, so I can't say I know how you feel, but I know it can do a number on those who have them.

Secondly, how else has your husband been treating you since this incident? How does he act around you, if he knows how much it has hurt you (and if he doesn't, it sounds like you need to communicate that to him)? Do you guys still have sex, does he still act in loving ways around you and make you feel loved in some way? Or does he just shut down completely?

If you BOTH want your marriage to work, you first really need to make clear to him why you're feeling the way you are. A miscarriage is a devastating thing to go through... no matter how developed it is, you've still lost a child, YOUR child. I don't think you're overreacting to it in any way. You need to tell him that it's not his fault that you're feeling down. It's possible that if you have not been having sex lately, that's why he is watching the porn. Maybe he feels deprived in some way.

I also think counseling would be a good idea. Marriage counseling for both of you, and maybe seperate counseling for just you so that you have some help in getting past the trauma of losing your baby. You shouldn't have to go through that alone, it's his child too. Hopefully he will want to do this. Good luck.

[KMonte85]

I also think counseling would be a good idea. Marriage counseling for both of you, and maybe seperate counseling for just you so that you have some help in getting past the trauma of losing your baby. You shouldn't have to go through that alone, it's his child too.

Yes, if you want to save your marriage (and it sounds like you do, or at least you are thinking about it) then try counciling.

You are hurting over the loss of your child. I'm sure he is too. I think you both are needing something from each other that your communication issues are hindering. Please try counciling to sort through those issues before you decide to take a life-altering step of divorce. It sounds like you both still love each other, you are just missing something, and if you get that something you will have rekindled what got you two married in the first place and will keep together a beautiful family...

[nubianqueen]

I agree with the above posters. Having a miscarriage is a BIG thing that has bouts of depression and sadness associated with it. It definitely sounds like you want to work at the marriage. If both of yall want to do that (which I think you should) then talking to each other first to see where yall stand is definitely the way to go. Then I would try counseling. Communication, or lack there of, seems to be the overall issue here. Trust me, I know cuz I've been there. Personally, I wouldn't consider divorce just yet unless there is absolutely nothing that can be done and BOTH of you come to the realization that the marriage is not worth saving, after trying every possible thing you could have tried. Like I said, talk to each other first in a non-confrontational manner and get ur feelings out there. Hopefully, that would keep the dialogue open!!!

[kms]

I agree with the others: you need to TALK to him about what's going on in your mind. Your depression, feeling sad and upset about losing the baby, feeling hurt and rejected by him watching porn... he can't read your mind - you need to just be honest with him and tell him what's going on. Then he can have a chance to understand you, to react, to explain his side of the story, and then perhaps work together to resolve the problem. It would be a shame to throw away a marriage, a life built together, on something that he wasn't even really aware of!

After you've talked with him and let him know how you're feeling and what you're thinking, then see his reaction. If he wants your relationship to work, then of course, keep trying. But if he really doesn't care, then you might need to rethink your options.