[TinaWels]

Hi to everyone.

I have not even introduced myself yet, just joined the forum. I just needed to speak to someone, as I do not know what to do. I apologize if this is long.

Many years ago, I lived happily with my boyfriend, he was 23 and I was 20. We had just started living in London Uk. Had jobs, and were really happy.

Anyway, on a call to my parents I found out that my sister (16) had gone off the rails a bit, and she was making their life really difficult. I decided to bring her to London, give my parents a break, and hopefully give my Sis some space, and a chance to make a fresh start. She came to live with us soon after that.

We all had a ball for a while, until I noticed that my Sister seemed to have fixated on my boyfriend. there was nothing "obvious" but still, I knew something was not quite right. I would come home from work to find my boyfriend had taken the day off,and they had spent the day together. little by little things started to add up, If BF went out to the store, my sister would jump up and go with him, if I had an early night, she would stay up to keep him company etc etc. (too many things to mention, but i trusted them both 100%).

Things went on like this for some time, I kept on trusting, until one Sunday afternoon, my sister and my boyfriend were not at home. Neither had mentioned that they were going out. I decided to take a walk to the local park. I walked into the gateway of the park, and there they were, in an embrace and kissing. I guess i should not have been shocked, but I was, I was upset and let them know. After that it was all a bit of a blur, we went home, and they both said that that was the first and only time anything had happened, somehow (I don't know how, i think I was stupid), and I wanted to believe that the two people I trusted most, would not have let me down, and so we kind of got over it. (well I did not fully , but they were so adamant that it was just a stupid mistake). My BF declared undying love, and i then found out I was pregnant, so life went on. I tried to believe that all was good, but could never quite get over the feeling that it wasn't.

All through my pregnancy, I had the feeling that something was not quite right, I became ill and developed Pre-eclampsia, my son was born at 31 weeks.

After my son was born the feeling persisted, that something was still going on with my sister and my boyfriend, but there was never any proof, we now did not all live together, but BF used to come home later and later, our relationship was strained, and eventually we did break up. They never ever admitted that anything had ever happened. I became a single parent (eventually after having 3 sons in total).

We all moved on, my sister eventually married, and now has children of her own and a successful business, and we have been like best friends, I gave the benefit of the doubt, as i never had any proof that anything had ever gone on, except for the kiss that I witnessed. I had asked her on many an occasion, and always got the answer, nothing ever happened. My ex always said the same.

So, 24 years later, when, on one of the long phone calls that my sister and i have, we fell out (as happens to all of us from time to time). I brought it up again, I said that my ex BF had admitted what happened all those years ago,(he hadn't) and she finally did not deny it, but started to say that I had flirted with her boyfriends, (and probably had snogged them). I ended the call.

I feel really sad, first of all, I could never forgive my sister for something she had always denied, even though in my heart of hearts, I knew had happened, secondly, I have never cheated on anyone in my life, and most definitely would never have flirted with my sisters boyfriends.

Most of all, after all of this time, the truth has come out, and i don't know how to handle it. I always wanted the truth, but what do i do with it now?

I know we have all moved on, and that it was a long time ago, and we are all very different (except me maybe). What would you do. I am lost.

I know this is long, but it is the absolute shortest I could make it. thank you to anyone who has read through

[happy ending]

i feel for you, mainly that you are still hurt by something that happened so very long ago, you were betrayed by your lover and your sister, but she was a 16 year old girl and i feel your man took advantage of her youth and inexperience. could you talk this through with a counsellor, i saw one when my marriage broke down and it was very helpful and healing to me. i wish you all the best.

[Guest]

I agree with happy ending, your sister was 16, a teenager, your boyfriend was 23! He could not let this happen..

I think now you need to get it off your mind and continue your life..
Wish you good luck

[Hopeless Dork]

16 is a rough age, that whole not a girl not a woman phase... breaking free from the parents living with a sister who has her life to gether... she was likely envious. I am not saying her age is an excuse for betraying you... then lying about it later as an adult -- but at the time a young confused girl flirting and carrying on with an older sisters bf, even developing a crush ... not unheard of.

It was your ex bf who crossed a line becoming involved with not only his girlfriend/mother of his child's sister... but a kid ,essentially.

As she became older she likely realized what a terrible thing to do it was... and just as you believed the lies to not feel hurt, she told them... as to not hurt you.

What good would it do but to hurt you, all these years later, to admit it to you. It would be different if you were still with the guy but you had moved on as had she, stirring the pot would not have been to the benefit of anyone.

You tricking her into being forthcoming didn't go like you planned. You wanted to have her deny it once more, like she always had, so that you could find peace with it. But you mention you have kept asking her and asking her over the years... so her telling you nothing happened hadn't given you peace, because as you said deep down in your heart you always knew the truth.

Its like asking a lover... do I look fat in these jeans when you good an well know you do, but wanting to hear him say you don't. and he says you don't... and all is right in the world despite what you know to be true... you ask day in day out day in day out and finally one day he says yeah okay, maybe you should get a size up on those jeans... they do make your rear a bit large.

Ouch. Truth hurts.... the truth you already knew, the lies made you feel good, you found comfort, were able to disillusion yourself with them. He wanted to keep telling you the jeans looked beautiful on you, because the truth is he loves you and it just doesnt matter how you look in those jeans, he lied to spare your feelings, not to cruel... but the cats out of the bag and now you know, now you don't have to ask anymore how those jeans make you look. You can get the size up and learn to feel comfortable in them. You don't need to ask anymore.

You have a right to be mad at your sister for what she did wrong... but she was a teenager, We all, most of us make some bad choices in those hormone driven , common sense lacking years....

You have a right to be upset that it took her 2 decades to finally spit the truth. But it would be a lot more unsettling if you were still with the man and she never told til now, but since he is water under the bridge and what she did with him is water under the bridge... you might just want to let it go. Lifes too short to hold on to anger, to let this make you bitter to her.

She should have appologized and not blamed you though, her reaction was one of a bratty kid which since its been so many years she should be well beyond that.

Do open a dialogue with her, do tell her how you feel, do ask her everything you need to ask to put this all to bed, then grieve this situation. Then... let it go. It's the only way to be truly happy.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Your Sister was rebelling, that's what was happening at home, she maybe felt controlled and so did everything to spize.

You took her in, to one, give your parents that break but two to give her some support.

I think she was in a "I don't care about anyone stage" instead of what you wanted, and hoped for and rightly so, a "grateful stage"..

I agree, at 16, your starting, your wanting a boyfriend, you believe all that is said to you, I don't think you want to know what he said to her to make her feel she wanted to do this.. Or, else, and only you know, she wasn't innocent and was with ump-teen boyfriends. She makes that comment " that you flirted with them", them sounds many.

She didn't tell you for a few reasons.

Guilt
Denial
Told not to
Pretending it didn't happen, covering initially
& Not wanting to hurt you

ASK her.

You can't have closure unless you know the truth and you can't judge her unless you know the truth and you can't diss her out of your life, until you know the truth, way it up and then decide.

CW

[CHANDLERS WISH]

PS:

Instead of editing...

You knew sub-consciously, in your mind, thoughts, questions, from day dot and you let it continue, through your own denial.. Isn't that a mistake?

We all make them. AND, your not to blame, don't get me wrong, I am merely pointing something out to you....

I know it hurts as it's your Sister,but get the facts before passing judgement.....

[TinaWels]

Thank you everyone. Your words of wisdom have definitely helped.

Its true that I knew all along, just did not have the "proof" Always trying to believe the best, but always knowing.

I guess the issue lies with the fact that although I always knew, it was always denied, and you cannot lay something to rest, or forgive someone who is in denial (what is there to forgive except lies) so although we have all moved on with our lives, and for the most part lived as though nothing ever happened, I lost the trust. I wish that they had admitted the truth all those years ago, my life would have taken a different turn, and I would not have been haunted all these years by the shadows. I would have been incredibly hurt, but better then a whole lifetime of not "really" knowing.

I know my sister was only 16, and of course a 23 year old man would seem to be the complete culprit, I do know however that my sister was not quite as innocent as many at that age, she had already had several adult relationships with older men, definitely knew her own mind, and always got what she wanted. I am not letting him off the hook by any means, it always takes two, but i guess, my sister is still in my life, and my ex is only on the fringes, so you can guess who is the most important person.

Its also true that finally learning the truth, in a way has freed me. It happened, long ago, and I knew, but never really knew, until now. Truth hurts I guess, but for me, it is like, finally I can move on, a deep sigh of relief, I was not paranoid, or worse.

Thanks again, you have all helped me think through this realistically. Life is too short to hold onto negativity, and i will be burying this, finally after all of this time.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Life is too short to hold onto negativity, and i will be burying this, finally after all of this time

Your right

And, let's face it you didn't marry him phew

Closure is sometimes all we need........

[TinaWels]

lol. for sure!!

I wont tell the story of when he proposed to me. leave it for another time

[Ashlee T.]

I haven't read all other responses yet, but my first reaction to your original post is that you didn't forgive because you hadn't been told the truth. Deep within you, you knew you hadn't been told the truth, therefore you could never let it go. Shame on both of them for not giving you the truth so you had the choice to get over it, or move on elsewhere.

Your heart was involved and no matter how old you were, she was, or he was...it still hurt. To sis....because of her age she probably looks back on it now as nothing, as no big deal, as childish behaviour on her part during a rough time in her life. But your heart was involved...meant more to you.

You knew the truth all along. You just needed to hear it. And now you can move on.