[Ashlee T.]

This may be long, but I want to explain my current "downness" and where it is coming from:

A year or so ago, I posted on here about another girlfriend of mine. She and I were what I considered very close friends. (CW might remember this) We did fun things together, but could just sit in with a glass of wine and talk for hours. We had deep conversations, reflected on life, it's meaning, love, etc. She was 39 at the time. Then, she got a "manfriend", and she literally stopped talking to me. I got some great advice on here from you wonderful ladies, and I moved on from it. Never contacted her again and haven't let it keep me from sleep.

Since then, I've tried (tried being the key word) to make good, long lasting relationships. My best friend since 3rd grade now lives 3000 miles away, and we're closer than ever. But lets face it, she's not here to do things with. My cousin who had become a very close friend, got married and now there seems to never be any time to do anything just "us girls". She and I are still very close, but I miss the time together.

Now lately, it seems I've been burned again. One of my girlfriends that is also married, but who's husband works weekends, use to be someone that at least every other weekend we'd get together and have some girl time. Lately, for whatever reason, something has changed. She no longer calls, I rarely hear from her....I see pictures on her FB where she's going out with another girl (who's several years younger than us and that she barely knows...) and never even asks me to go. Last weekend, I attended her brothers birthday party, and she practically ignored me. Just the day before I text her and said "you should come by and see the house" because I bought my first home and have been in it for almost a month now and she's not been by even once. Then I said "I could really use some girl time right now". No response. I found out at the birthday party, that the very same day, she had come into town and gone shopping with another girl. Did she even bother to call me? No. So basically, Im done with her. I won't say a word to her, but I won't be around when she finally calls..and she will. I don't need "friends" like that....I can accept that, but it's still disheartening to me.

So...in effort to get past this down feeling I've been experiencing, I contact two other friends I hadn't seen in a while. Both are married. Both mentioned having a "margarita night" once I got moved into my house. I sent them an email about having such a night, just us 3, finger foods, movies, margaritas, catching up. One responds and is all for it. The other responds and says her husband isn't up for her going to a slumber party without him, and that maybe we can get together with "all our men" sometime soon. So..as silly as it sounds, my heart felt like it dropped down a few notches. Not only down on friendships, but down on marriage too. I fear ever being in a marriage that I can't even go have a girls night without making him mad. And that's not even talking about going "out".....simply girls staying in, having a slumber party.

So here I am.... 26, literally everyone I know (except my gf 3000 miles away) is engaged, married, or in a relationship and doesn't want to do ANYTHING without their bf. I have a guy too, but I need my time, my girl time. I think it's important for women to keep those bonds, despite any man. But no one I know sees the importance in it like I do. I begin to feel like I'm the weird one, I'm the one with the problem. Here I am, dont have any desire to marry at this point, maybe never will.....so I'm out of the loop. My married friends want to do things with other married friends......not the single girl. Or I find one that accepts me not being married and wants to do things with me anyway, and she turns out to be not a friend at all.

Down on my luck. Feeling left out...and just can't seem to find my place. Blah.

[WildChild]

We women have a tendency to lose ourselves in a relationship. It isn't healthy, but many do it. I've experierenced this too. You have to expand your horizons and it isn't always easy to do. People are pulled in so many directions these days that taking vitally needed to time to just sit down have a cup of tea and chat is difficult for them. I think most people have a couple of close friends and then a group of aquaintences, we have to consciously make an effort to connect with more people. You do have to watch this, often couples will make friends with other couples and then if there is a break up, divorce, misunderstanding, you lose not one but two friends. You need balance. Can you invite a few couples over for pot luck and cards or games? That can be a lot of fun.

How about planning to have some people over once a month for a casual dinner? Mix it up, not the same people every time. Same thing with gfs? Start trying to connect with people, let's meet for lunch - everybody has to eat, you can do it with a friend. I never heard of adults having a slumber party - could be fun although as people start having kids that sort of thing gets difficult.

How about a movie night? Meet at the gym, workout, grab a cup of coffee?

I'm starting to try to reach more too. Since for my primary work, I live where I work, I have to be cautious about freindships with my neighbors - they are my tenents. It's kind of like being the boss and making friends with employees - you have to choose wisely. By connecting with more people, you will have more options, not all will become really close but you'll have more possiblities.

[Ashlee T.]

Thanks WC as always. My boyfriend and I do things with other couples, because really that seems to be the only way to socialize since women seem to never want to do anything without their husbands or mates. At least once a weekend, we call another couple (or several) and have dinner, or go to cookouts, etc. It's not in that area I feel I'm lacking.

I was thinking this morning, okay, what I'm doing is not working. I miss having girlfriends that are independant (even if married) and still want to maintain good strong female relationships. However it seems odd to me that these same women, have husbands who still maintain social lives without their wives. But I guess when they're out having "guys nights" their little wives are sitting patiently at home. I'm at the age where everyone is either married, or dying to get married. I'm not, so I'm already the minority. So I was pondering ways I could meet people. I work all day, then go to aerobics. I work at a University so the aerobics classes are filled with 18-20 year olds in short shorts. I'm always the only non student in attendance. Perhaps church? But I've had bad experience with organized religion which is why I'm not currently attending a church....and don't feel like enhancing my social life or finding good friends is a good reason to go. Then I start looking at my facebook, looking at other females I know my age that are not married. But they're lives are so different than mine. Usually they're still living at home with their parents and don't hold down jobs......or they're overly concerned with staying drunk and finding boyfriends. It seems to get harder and harder every year to meet good quality people who are intellectual, spiritual, kind, compassionate.

If you discover good ways/methods to meet people, please share...and I will as well. And I probably shouldn't have said "slumber party" on here....the juvenile definition isn't exactly what I intended. Just a couple girls getting together, being able to have some drinks and not worry about driving home. No sleeping bags, doing hair and telling stories or anything of that sort. lol.

[sourpuss]

I've found that I've made most of my friends from either work or clubs that I have joined. What about a women's activity club? Where I live we have a 'women in sports' group. They get together once a month and have rockclimbing, cross country ski demos, etc and just chat. Or a book club maybe? A non-profit charity group?

You don't have to use the club/group as the social outlet, just a way to meet new people and foster new friendships. The good thing about that is that the people who volunteer or join a group are typically a bit more independent. (afterall they are spending time away from their S.O. just to participate in the group)

[GoodEgg]

I can relate...

I've been dating a guy for just over 3 years now (a record for me) and we just got to the end of the honeymoon period where he and I have both realized we need social outlets other than just each other. After waking up from this haze I've been living in I realize there are no close girl friends who live near by: I left a bunch behind in California, then another bunch in Washington state and still others in Colorado. I've been checking out some of the resources available as one of my employee benefits and they all pretty much suggest the same things. Check online for groups that get together locally, check local places for book clubs etc. I've been on a phone more... a lot. As a last resort there are online forums like this one, but you're right. It doesn't replace face to face. Our local group source is called meetup so maybe that will develop into something good... It may very well as they have women's network groups with members who complain about the same problem you originally posted. Otherwise, I realize I haven't helped out much other than to echo that I feel your pain! For us, it's a precarious situation because I'm a lot more gregarious than my bf. He's not a big talker, so he only has a few friends, but he has the distinct advantage that they're *here*!

[KMonte85]

BD I feel your pain! It is so hard to get other girlfriends to make time to see us when it doesn't include their own SO's! I don't get that concept either... We were all independent before we met our boyfriends/husbands... now because we are attached, we can not have a life away from them?? What gives? I too, like to spend time having girls nights with JUST THE GIRLS.. but it rarely happens unless someone's husband or boyfriend will be away for the night doing their own thing so that they feel they can do something without him around...

I've come to terms with the idea that most of my relationships are going to be "couple" friends where I won't be doing one on one stuff with my girls.. my guy and their guys need to be around. I do on occation make it difficult for the guys.. like having a mall trip where us girls go shopping and the guys get to walk around behind us bored out of their minds. Or having parties where the guys are outside or plopped in front of the TV watching the game while the girls are in the kitchen or the family room catching up. I'm basically just stealing a moment here or there when their men are occupied to have my girltalk fill... otherwise I would get nothing!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

As we get older babe, things do change... People change... And, singles become couples and don't want to "re-visit" any "singlehood", of any description or their man doesn't want them to.

You have a man in your life, so you need to be-friend closely, those whom you go out with as couples and take the time out to visit them on a Saturday or Sunday, for even 30 minutes over a coffee just because.

Your friend even found a "younger" friend to "go out with", I think she is jealous of your affordablity from hard work, in owning your home at 26 personally but that's another thread

So you can do the same, start going to the gym or social networks where there are single girls even if she's 24,23, you'll relate and have what your after.

There is NOTHING in life we can't do, it's a matter of there's no such word as "CAN'T".. It's okay, things are changing, what do I need, want, and GO OUT AND GET IT.



CW

[sourpuss]

What about one of the gals that is a 'couple' friend? Can you leave the men at home and have a girls night?

[Ashlee T.]

Sourpuss - that's the thing, all my friends that are married never want to do anything without their husbands. Some of them it's because they truly love spending time with their guys and that's great, but I still think it's important to keep an independence of your own. The others don't because their husbands get mad/jealous....or don't want them doing anything with me cause I'm not married. (which I suppose makes me some sort of wild thing...... and ironically, I'm quite the opposite).

CW - I've just got to learn to find other ways to put myself out there. My girlfriend that lives 3000 miles away has the same issues there that I do here, except there (CA) it's much more acceptable to be 26 and single. It's considered normal. Here, not so much. If you're not married out of high school, then certainly upon graduating college you get hitched. If not, something must be wrong with you. KYGIRL (if you're reading this) I'm sure you can feel me on this one being a fellow Kentuckian and all.

I guess I have this desire to have a group of close knit female friends (like Sex and the City haha!!) that are with each other through thick and thin, through boyfriends, through husbands, through babies, through highs and lows.....through everything. But all I can do is put myself out there, and even though it's not easy here, there are ways I can do it.

The only person that can make this better is me.