[Amalthea]

For about 6 months now I've been dating this guy... On and off. On because I like him. I told him I wanted to see other people though, because he just doesn't seem to care about me as much as his kids and his ex-wife.

When we first met we spent 2 solid weeks together but we live in seperate states. I was willing to pack up my whole life and move for him but that didn't work out and he made no effort to see me. I booked a flight but had to cancel because he was busy and I didn't see him for 2 1/2 months after we first met.


When I told him it was over he flew out and spent a week with me. Bought me a ticket to come spend New Year's with him and meet his kids. His family loves me. His kids are generally good kids but they're spoiled brats. For example, just now I went away for some privacy, and his seven year old walked into the room and spread her toys out on the bed without knocking. He say he knows they need discipline but he only disciplines them if I force him.

I feel like the evil stepmom and I'm a little bit jealous. He'll do anything for his kids and I am chopped liver.

He is smart, charming, and I like him as a person but I also get so angry! I don't like feeling this way. I am ashamed of myself and I don't want to become like this as a person. Any input? I could really use some advice.

[Hopeless Dork]

No, you don't want to become that person.

The situation you describe, a kid coming in and laying their toys on the bed of the room your in... for me I'd see the positive side of that... they actually WANT to be around you. Obviously they need to learn to respect privacy and boundries but its better situation then them jumping around screaming "i Hate that lady!".

Gotta enjoy the little things, really... and learn to not sweat the small stuff. When you got involved with this man, you knew he had kids and you should feel good about the fact you chose a man that doesn't take responsability lightly.

6 months in his life is NOT enough time for you to step in and tell him when or if his kids should be disciplined, sorry if thats not what you wanted to hear... but just my opinion.
As a parent I wouldnt take well to ANYONE telling me how I should raise my kid and would be very offended at a boyfriend of only 6 months dictating how to do so.

Him and his wife are divorced for a reason. You should not feel like you are in competition with his CHILDREN. They are children. He will never love you more, them less, or them more, you less... the love you feel for a child and a significant other is a very different love obviously. Its apples and oranges and one is not better, not worse.

[Amalthea]

I'm so glad somebody responded. I'm just sitting here wondering what to do... It's true, I'm glad his kids accept me. `I guess the question is, do I want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have the time or energy for me?

Great for his kids that they have a good dad but I have needs too. I have given a lot and I also need someone who is there for me. The bottom line is I don't like being miserable and I need to move on to someone that has the capacity to care for me as much as I care for them.

[LanaBear]

I think HD is spot on. She said everything I would have.

Kids take a lot of time and energy, if you aren't ready for it, you won't be happy in the relationship. You've got to be able to accept him AND his kids.

[Hopeless Dork]

I'm glad you can see that Amalthea. Transition is so hard. For him, for his kids, and especially for you since they already know their place with each other and now you have to find yours.

Being in a relationship with someone with kids, does require some sacrafice... it really does. So you will have to look at your life and see if this is really whats best for it. He does need to make sure that you get the time from him, seperate from the kids, that allows you to feel special and wanted... and important to him.

To make this work you are probably going to have to go all in, if you try to remain on the outskirts seeking time away from his kids with him... you'll get less of him indeed. But if you can learn to, and desire to, enjoy the time with the kids and him together... you'll find you get a lot more of him that way.

Kids grow up, they will be less and less needy of his every second of attention as time goes by, but of course they are always going to need him... for the rest of their life in some way, if only emotional support and love.

If this guy is 'the one' you're going to have to relax a bit, and learn to roll with the bunches...like him having to cancel a movie date cause the sitter didn't show, etc. If he's worth it though, its worth it... and in time you may open your heart to his kids in a way that only 6 months time hasn't given you a chance to.

Single parents are a package deal in most cases. As a single parent who has managed to give my boyfriend plenty of time and attention I do know that the balance is possible. I want to see him and spend time with him so I make the time. I want to see and spend time with my kid so I make the time. I make sure that both are feeling loved and wanted and having plenty of my attention.

It would break my heart if my guy thought I was spending too much time with my kid, in fact he's the opposite and tries to make sure he isn't taking away time from my son when we do things. It just makes me love him more.

[sourpuss]

For about 6 months now I've been dating this guy... On and off. On because I like him. I told him I wanted to see other people though, because he just doesn't seem to care about me as much as his kids and his ex-wife.

A: He's not supposed to care about you more than his kids.
B: it's only been six months and you're expecting him to love you as much as his children and the mother of his children?!

Seriously? I'm sorry, but that's just crazy.

Hopeless Dork hit the nail on the head with her advice. I would never even consider the thought of wanting my boyfriend to love me as much as his daughter. And I certainly would never expect him to sacrifice time with her to please me. And expecting him to parent according to the way I think it should be done it just way out of line.

No offense, but it sounds like you're insecure. You're going to have to find a way to be happy that he's such a good father and not make it about yourself. If that means taking it slow and maybe seeing other people, then you should. Eventually, insecurity and jealousy will drive a wedge between you two and he will choose his children. (as he should)

sorry to be so harsh

[Guest]

he should love his kids more. you should be happy the 7 year old wanted to play near you.

i know you want his attention, we all want attention. but if you're not comfortable with that, you should cut ties before the kids start getting fond of you and the split becomes harder and more painful for everyone.

but the kids have to come first.

always.

[please]

I agree with all of the above...Coming from a daughter of divorced parents, you should be extremely thankful that the kids seem to be taking to you. You say they are spoiled brats, but how does walking into your dad's room to play make the child a spoiled brat? Do you really expect her to knock? She's seven! She's not intentionally trying to interrupt your private time to spite you. She's a child. And she could be much worse...

You need to realize that kids will ALWAYS come first to parents. Always. If you can't handle that, there is no way the relationship will work. Put yourself in their shoes and think about what you're asking.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I gather you have never had children, perhaps you've never dated a man who has children and is divorced, but there is time for both.

You have to understand though to enter a relationship with children means sharing just as if they were your children, you would be sharing then. There is no difference.

He is a Father, off course he loves his children and rightly so.

He off course wants a relationship and to move forward in life as well.

If you hold jealousy and non-understanding of this, then I suggest you don't get involved in this relationship and have one with someone either without children, or grown up children as I am not sure of your age.

But, he shouldn't be disiplining his children because you "force him to"?

Relationships are about working together on everything, nothing should ever be forced.

I think that you need to move on personally... Your not matched in the family environment, only in the physical and mental side of it.

CW

[Guest]

Everyone is saying everything right.