[Mariec411]

I'm going to give a much different response.

First, I acknowledge that your post is short. Surely you don't simply mean that the children are spoiled because once one came in the room when you were trying to have some private time. There is much more to the story than this, and you didn't get into it much. I want you to know that I get this.

Second, I acknowledge that you invested a lot into spending time with this man. Above and beyond. I am a parent. I have been single-handedly raising 2 young children for a couple years now. What the others are saying is right as far as it being time consuming, important, and a priority. This DOES NOT MEAN that I can ask another human being to put their life on hold, pack it up, move around, and change big plans at the last minute for me. If it did, I wouldn't have a relationship because it wouldn't be fair. I'm not a bad parent, I work hard for my kids to be in a private school and I volunteer there frequently, I have them in extra-curricular activities, we spend quality time together, I am always there when they need me, we read together every night and have many other traditions--- But I can be clear with someone else about where they can stand with me, where they fit in, and I can make time for them too. I don't jerk them around.

Now that I've stated this, I'll give my advice. You need to decide what your boundaries are. If you will be with a man with kids, you will want to be flexible and pick your battles carefully if you have any. You cannot tell him how to parent, or how to raise his kids, but you absolutely can have boundaries that you expect everybody around you to respect. You can't expect everybody to read your mind and figure out what the boundaries are, because they are different for everybody. Choose which ones you need to have in order to keep your sanity, and let them be known in a gentle yet firm manner.

For example: If you are making big plans that require purchasing plane tickets, you need a confirmation that the plans are okay well in advance, otherwise you will not put the effort forth. There is no reason a person can't do this for you if they want a relationship with you, minus some emergency situations that could come up. It is important to you to have a place and time to escape to for privacy, it should be explained to the kids that you need your quiet time, and they should honor it.

Then, of course, you didn't list the other things troubling you, so I'm making it up: You have the right to be spoken to with respect. Your body is yours and your space is yours, nobody should be invading it without your permission. Your personal belongings are yours, and they should not be stolen, damaged, or used without consent. These sorts of things aren't too much to ask, and it would be good for the kids to learn to respect others in this way. You can also let him know that it's important to you that you get at least an hour at the end of the day to unwind while the kids are in bed. This isn't a ridiculous request either. It would be good for both of you.

Now remember, this is his kids and his life, and he doesn't have to agree to any of it. You don't have the right to push it. It is also your life, so let your needs be known. If he doesn't work with you to make a life that will work for both of you, you have to be willing to move on. You tried, but you don't have to be unhappy, you are not a second-class citizen.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Good post Marie, thank you for the amount of time you took.

The OP posted this though in 2010 and therefore, will not read this.

Please check the date, top left hand corner and it will let you know what is new and what is old..

Welcome to WH.

[Harmony]

For about 6 months now I've been dating this guy... On and off. On because I like him. I told him I wanted to see other people though, because he just doesn't seem to care about me as much as his kids and his ex-wife.

When we first met we spent 2 solid weeks together but we live in seperate states. I was willing to pack up my whole life and move for him but that didn't work out and he made no effort to see me. I booked a flight but had to cancel because he was busy and I didn't see him for 2 1/2 months after we first met.


When I told him it was over he flew out and spent a week with me. Bought me a ticket to come spend New Year's with him and meet his kids. His family loves me. His kids are generally good kids but they're spoiled brats. For example, just now I went away for some privacy, and his seven year old walked into the room and spread her toys out on the bed without knocking. He say he knows they need discipline but he only disciplines them if I force him.

I feel like the evil stepmom and I'm a little bit jealous. He'll do anything for his kids and I am chopped liver.

He is smart, charming, and I like him as a person but I also get so angry! I don't like feeling this way. I am ashamed of myself and I don't want to become like this as a person. Any input? I could really use some advice.

I see confusion and frustration on the OP's behalf, not selfishness. I think the questions and concerns raised by the OP are perfectly reasonable for someone in her position—I also agree with the advice given by everyone who has responded—the OP does need to accept the man's circumstances. He also needs to communicate with her so that she knows exactly what she can and cannot expect from him. If they can't reach an agreement between themselves about how they're going to manage things the relationship has no future.

I don't think a child going into the OP's room wanting to play toys with her makes that child a spoilt brat. I'm not a father but I'm pretty sure kids have little concept of personal space and boundaries, I'm guessing the OP was feeling overwhelmed by the situation and was just trying to catch a quiet five minutes to recompose herself when this happened, if she didn't care she wouldn't be posting here asking for advice ;-)

Amalthea, I actually think that when you date someone with children and they are still maintaining a good platonic relationship with the other parent this makes things harder for you. This will remind you—pretty much all the time—that you're on the periphery of the family, but this doesn't have to be a deal breaker. I think your concerns are valid, anyone who doesn't have children and hasn't dated a single parent wont know what its like to be in your position. They are, of course, perfectly positioned to advise on the situation this guy is in, which is why you've had so much (in my opinion) good advice on that side.

You need to ask yourself some pretty simple yet pretty pressing questions: can you see yourself becoming a quasi step parent? Do you want your own children? If doesn't want any more children that could put a stop to things right there. Can you see yourself accepting these children and caring for them like they are your own during the time you're with them, with all of the responsibilities of a parent and WITHOUT any of the rights the law bestows on them?

Kids are fun and can be very rewarding whilst being hard work. I wouldn't actually blame you if you thought the road ahead of you was paved too full of risk and complication to carry on, it's probably the right thing to do if you can't see yourself integrating into HIS family. Mostly though, children just want unconditional love, if you think you can give them that then you're in with a better chance than you may think.

Good luck with whichever decision you make.

[Trisha23]

You knew from the very start that you are dating with a man who have kids. Of course, everyone has to adjust and that includes you. It is a good thing his family likes you and the kids even wants your presence. You also have to do your part.

[KMonte85]

Ok everybody - this is a thread from 2010.... OP hasn't been back to actively participate in this thread for 3 years.

I'm closing this.