[carolina28]

I have been in my current relationship for the last 10 years. It has been on and off, but on for the most part. We aren't married, and we have 2 children together. My problems on this relationship seem so simple to correct, but I cannot do it alone, and that is how I feel, most of the time. I feel like, the ONLY way we'd be happy, is if I never had a complaint about him, if I was a Stepford wife. Any time I go to him, with a problem, no matter how, it turns into a fight. I won't raise my voice, I won't swear, but yet I am told I am being aggressive-and that is only if he actually engages in the conversation. If I can actually get him to focus on me and the conversation, rather than the TV, or cleaning something, or just walking around the house, it will 100% of the time turn into an argument. I admit, our relationship went through some bad times, and I would yell, and scream. I came from an abusive childhood, and hid how I felt until I was 25, and I didn't really understand speaking my mind, or feeling like I could be heard unless I screamed my point. I have been in therapy for the last couple years, but he functions in the past. I have asked him to go to therapy, and he will say there is nothing wrong with him, or when we went before (a whole 4 sessions), he said it didn't help. Our arguments escalate fast, despite me trying to slow it down. I will ask politely to please not swear at me, or please don't yell. I will say, "I am not interested in this type of conversation, if we can talk, I'd like to continue, otherwise I need to take a break". And sometimes that works, other times he will say things like, "yes master, it always has to be your way", or "we always do what you want". The problem is, the things he says, while in these fights. One time in response to me saying I felt like all he wants from me, is sex-that I felt like a prostitute he said, "at least a prostitute would be good". My step-father, who passed away, (who was sexually abusive to me). During a fight, my boyfriend told me, "you are so controlling-you controlled your stepdad and look what happened to him" meaning, I had finally told my mom years after-they divorced, and he ended up dying alone in a hotel room a few years later. There are other things, that are equally as horrible. But as long as I don't say anything, just smile and withdraw into myself, he is a nice, generous, caring person. I however, have just about emotionally withdrawn from this relationship. I stay because we have kids, I stay because it is so hard to leave, when it is only bad sometimes. I am just at a loss. He has lied, but then "forgets" how things happened and convinces himself he hasn't lied. He will say the horrible things to me, then 10 minutes later act as if nothing has happened. I do feel emotionally exhausted. I know I am not perfect, but I beg for us to go to therapy, to help us-and I get no support. He offers nothing in terms of us getting better, he will just say, "this is us, we will never change". I don't feel like I can trust to talk to him about problems, because of his anger. I feel so very alone..

Sorry about the ranting, I just don't know what to say.

[sourpuss]

He's actually the one controlling you. You should go to counseling on your own, regardless if he will go or not.

[carolina28]

I agree. I feel controlled in a manipulative, kind of passive-aggressive way. I have been going to therapy, it just seems to confuse me more. I see how one can change, and can't understand his dragging of the feet...

[Hopeless Dork]

Sometimes, man or woman...we just need to say what's on our minds even if we don't want them to change a behavior or fix something they broke we just want to say when we are hurt...when we are mad.

Sometimes just saying it and being heard makes us feel better regaurfless of if there is a resolution to what we feel.

Having the ability to do that stifled breeds futher contempt. Internalizing what has upset us seeps out in other ways until we finally just implode from holding it all in.

I'm lucky in that my boyfriend understands this need and let's me say what's on my mind and I make sure to do so respectfully.

Your husband needs to learn to understand that not being able to tell him how u feel isn't helping anything. Makes things worse.

Try to make a compromise in which u agree not to yell, pass judgement or accuse if we will agree to let u air your concerns and have him address them appropriatly.

[KMonte85]

as long as I don't say anything, just smile and withdraw into myself, he is a nice, generous, caring person

I stay because it is so hard to leave, when it is only bad sometimes

Even if it seems like the relationship is only rocky sometimes, if you need to be emotionally withdrawn, quiet, and submissive for things to go smoothly, then in reality - the relationship is always rocky.

I understand that he may still be fighting old school, the way it was before you went to therapy and learned how to communicate better. But now he needs to listen to your concerns and learn how to communicate effectively as well. If he doesn't, the relationship will be further broken down.

As for the kids, really.. they should not be exposed to this kind of fighting. It is in no way helping them to be in a home with both parents when their fighting turns into yelling, mud slinging, and emotional abuse. That is no environment for child development, so do not feel bad that leaving will hurt them as staying can be just as harmful.

He needs to understand that he can't talk to you the way he does. And even though I am not a fan of ultimateums, this may be an occasion for one - get help, get anger management, get therapy, get to a point where we can talk to each other and save our relationship - or get out.

[rcoreyus]

It sounds like the hostility has been escalating in your relationship. One thought - can you go somewhere with him, away from children and stress for a week. Both agree to start over without any hostile feelings toward each other. Have fun together, be in love.

[carolina28]

I agree that the hostility is getting bigger, and worse. Last weekend he had hurt me with some things he said. During the week he was away visiting his parents. Over the week, I felt lighter. Driving out to the airport to get him, i just felt sunk. I don't want to feel that way, and I try to see the good. Yesterday I tried to talk to him, why what he has said hurt me, though I know it is often pointless. So, he kind of listened, kind of got a bit angry, then said I was punishing him. He made a hurtful comment about my breasts (which aren't as nice as before 3 kids-and I've been insecure about them for awhile), and I had said I didn't feel comfortable taking a shower with him, because I would be uncomfortable being naked. So because I felt that way, he said I was punishing him. He will take everything and make it about him, and I hate that.
I agree, that it may seem like the only option is an ultimatum. I can't do this on my own anymore. Yes, it would seem it is rocky all of the time, maybe I should've phrased it that there is peace when I keep everything in. I want the peace for the kids, and myself. But I often feel like I've sold myself out, just trying to make this work.