[arabellafigg]

I'm not sure if this thread belongs here or not, i guess its a cross over of many issues.

I have one daughter from a 4 1/2 year relationship which ended when i was pregnant (two and a half years ago). I became involved with someone else (M) around a year ago, we have been now been going out six months.

I have this funny thing of not letting my daughter be around him too much, untill i am sure its going somewhere (my daughter will be 2 in April). I do not think it will be helpfull or beneficial for her to have to see a trail of men through her childhood. Mostly, if i go out with M on an evening, i leave her with a babysitter after she has gone to bed. She has seen M, once or twice very informally on an afternoon. During this time, i just act like M and I are friends, and nothing more. When M comes round, i make him do it when she is in bed. If he stays over, I make sure that she does not see him coming from upstairs, he has to go out the front door, and knock, and then come in again.

M is starting to say that it's been six months and that perhaps i am being a bit over protective and that perhaps its a bit silly.

So what is a 'reasonable' time frame, and how long would you wait? My daughter has contacts with her real father once every couple of months. She does not really understand yet the concept of who he is.

[sourpuss]

If you think this relationship will be long-term then you're going to have to loosen up just a little bit so he doesn't feel like he's always sneaking around.

2 is really young to grasp the concept of divorce/dating etc. So him being around, I doubt, would ever be negative. You're allowed to have friends and you don't need to explain the difference between a friend and a boyfriend to a 2 year old.

However, I'm not sure about the sleeping over thing. I don't have kids, but my boyfriend does and I would never stay over when she's there. But again, at 2 years old, I'm not sure it's a huge problem if he goes out and knocks on the door.

[sourpuss]

I guess I didn't really answer your question....sorry.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think personally you did answer the question Sourpuss..

I also think that the boyfriend is now starting to feel that he wants to be "included" he is in a relationship.

I know alot of my friends do exactly what you are saying and I think it's the right thing to do. But, the purpose and reason behind it is not to confuse your child with different men entering their lives, over a period of a few years.

I think after 6 months though, if your happy with this relationship then take it a step further because it's hard for him to only be there after the baby is asleep and walking down stairs knocking to come inside when she is about to wake...

And, after all she wouldn't know "daddy" too much if she only sees her real Father every two months, that's 6 times a year....

At this point, it's more like "men" in her life, not a father or father figure. That will come either via this guy as you grow stronger together, or the next one so to speak... as her real Father isn't really in her life at all...

CW

[Guest]

depends on where this relationship is going and for how long. are yuo two just having a nice time or is it getting serious for real. have you two discussed that at all.

if it's just having fun and/or you two havent discussed where the relationship is going, i suggest staying as is.

[arabellafigg]

Ok, the dreaded conversation it is then :P and in the meantime, i suppose ill have to learn to let up a bit!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

M is starting to say that it's been six months and that perhaps i am being a bit over protective and that perhaps its a bit silly.

Put it back onto him by quoting what he said above

"You know how you said it's been six months, I'm being a tad over protective?", "Well, put the shoe on the other foot, you'd want to make sure I hung around for quite some time before allowing your "child" to bond with me huh, so I guess that's the answer, is this what you see? Us together for quite some time?"..hehe.

Then your not having that "dreaded conversation" rather repeating his comment and asking him to elaborate...

Good luck mam.

CW

[Futureboy]

If it's going to be long term and you and he are confident of this then get him included now.

Your child is young enough for him to imprint in him as father and same too for the child.

To the point that if you break up on ten years he will see the child as his anyway.

Not including him will make him feel you are not interested in the long term

When your child plays these memories back when they older any man who spends more than average time with you will be seen as a boyfriend whether they knock on the door or come down the stairs. The child will have no concept boyfriends

Fb

[arabellafigg]

You know, this is what is annoying about having a relationship with someone when you have a child. I was with my daughter father 4 1/2 years. In all this time, we only once properly discussed 'where things were going' and 'maybe we should get engaged? its been four years'.

In the long term, who can honesty say what is going to happen. Maybe we will all live happily ever after. M isn't my daughter's father, and the reason im in a relationship with him is not to find her a replacement yet all this seems to revolve around the fact that he either 'sticks around long term' or he doesnt. Thats a lot of pressure for someone after only six months....

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Your right and I guess in my thoughts anyway, I am not suggesting that you ask for long term as in marriage, because who does know? Just where you both sit for now, if you are both happy, if you personally can see that this may lead somewhere, if he does to..

That's all you can hope for I think after 6 months. Anything else would scare the out of me if I was a male.

It is difficult because your protecting your child. But reverse it and it could be "the one that got away"...

I can only suggest you follow your head and heart. Both.. and ask yourself if you personally can see that you'd like him to be around for a while and you can see that he does too...

I think dating for a few weeks is completely different and introducing each guy your not doing that, it's been six months.

CW