[happyinAZ]

So I was in a relationship since August 2009, he broke it off with me a couple of days ago because he said "I need to focus on what I have at home, I have a wife". The entire time there was absolutely NO indication he was married. He was pratically living with me. We spent 75% of our free time together when we were not at work.

Needless to say I am torn apart. I see our break-up as a couple breaking up after having fallen in love, and being together for 5 months. I don't see me as having been involved with a married man, because I was not told by him that he was married, or had ANY indication that he was because we pratically lived together.

He did prove his marriage by pulling up his wife's facebook account. So at least he wasn't using him being married as an excuse. I saw wedding photos & current photos of a trip they took - knew about the trip just not that it was going to be with a WIFE!

I know he loved me and I love him. I just feel terrible that I was unknowingly a home wrecker, mistress, , lover... And emotionally I am absolutely torn apart. I'm dieing inside from losing the man I love, when I was in love with him. I haven't even delt with the husband thing. I don't know where to go from here. Is there any advice anyone can spare for me? I feel like hurting him to bad and going to his wife in return and telling her everything, just to pain him like this has me, but I know I'm better then that. I just don't know what to do.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Welcome to the Forum happyinAZ.

Don't you think it was extremely selfish of him to enter into this relationship with you knowing he had problems at home but not letting you know in any way shape and form?

This also is something for you to be wary of in the future. 5 Months is a long time to "not" be invited to his house, assuming he didn't keep a separate home on the side, always follow your gut intuition and always be on your guard when things don't "seem right".

It sounds like their trip worked, in as much as him wanting to give it a go.

How old is this man? I would shoot him (not literaly)for cheating, but also for showing my facebook page, my privacy, sounds immature to me, sorry.

Kalma is in my opinion the only right revenge, what comes around, goes around if he's done it once, he will do it again and if not, their relationship will falter again, don't be there if he comes back at a later stage, move on with your life.

Revenge is not worth it, telling her is not worth it, off course your mad, angry, hurt, in pain but it won't serve any purpose that won't happen on it's on in it's own time.

Out of that 75%, did he stay over as well?

It sounds as if he was gutless, felt his marriage was falling apart and thought he had the right to start something new, forgoing who ever gets hurt, her or you, in this case you.

Take it as a lesson, be angry, because he deserves that and do NOT speak with this guy ever again, no calls, emails, no replys. Again, that's the best revenge when they can not ever speak to you again. It will eat at him, over and over.

I'm sorry you were dealt with this, but have your eyes wide open next time and question why, they can't do certain things which a single person would be able to do, as I said, such as sleeping over all the time, or visiting their home, and their set/circle of friends and family...

CW

[happyinAZ]

I was over at his home, I didn't notice anything that would indicate that a female lived there. Even the walk-in closet was his clothing, tho the door was always closed (but it has a glass window in entire center, so you can see in). I just hate that I was with him. I fell in love with a married man!!! I was NOT raised to be this way!!! It's tearing me apart. I fear my karma as well.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well, unless she had her own room for her clothes, no one is going to hide all of those and put them back huh.

He didn't tell you any of that when breaking off with you? Just that he was married, here's proof?

He's not even allowing you to see the full picture then..

Something to me doesn't quite add up, "that's the investigator in me", did you fight before this ended? Are you sure that wasn't his sister on facebook? I can't see why a man would show his "wife" to a lady he walks on having not told her, nor living somewhere if married, and clearing out the whole house before you come over, unless he's stupid and has done this before?

[rcoreyus]

This seems strange. I can't imagine someone making up that they are married to break off an relationship - "hi, I'm a complete slime ball who has been stringing you along while cheating on my wife" seems an odd lie to tell, but who knows.

OTOH, its hard to imagine he could be living with someone and there be no sign at his house.

Maybe he was married but separated - and finally decided to get together again with his wife. In that case there isn't that much blame to go around. I can't object too strongly to a separated man not talking about his marriage. If he did want to get back with his wife, then he at least told you rather then stringing you both along for a while.

[KMonte85]

A man who poses as a single, available person who is really married and intending on staying married is a liar. It is not your fault that this man chose to withhold his marital status from you. That is lying - blatant lying, and you are not to blame. I can understand why you feel so guilty, but try to think about the fact that he provided false information to you, the relationship was based on false pretenses - ie that he and you were both single and interested in being in a relationship.

It is not worth it to tell his wife what happened. She will just get hurt too, and probably will end up hating you even though it really was not your fault.

The best thing you can do, as CW suggested, is to cut him out of your life completely from here on out. Do not talk to him, do not take his calls/emails/texts, if you see him in a store walk the other way.

Start over.

And take this experience as a lesson - to keep your eyes open. don't confuse that with being distrustful of the next guy! but be aware that if you are in a committed relationship, where you practically live together and are completely in love, there are certain milestones that you should have crossed in your relationship. Like meeting each other's family and friends. IMO, if you had met his family/friends you would have found out quite soon that you were "the other woman." If you met them and no one said anything to you, or seemed disapproving in any way, then that is quite the abnormal group!

[LanaBear]

Maybe RC is right and he was separated. However, he still wasn't up front and honest about it. And he's obviously pretty good at covering up some tracks if you've been over to his house and there was no hide nor hair of him even being involved with another person.

I agree with CW, be done with him. Be angry, sad or whatever you need to get over it, but DO get over it and move on. He doesn't deserve you.

[arabellafigg]

Im sorry to say this, but this man has lied and cheated his way with you for the last five months. Everything you thought was 'real' wasen't. He isnt worth fighting for. Move on.

[happyinAZ]

When he told me that he needed to focus on what he had at home, and that it was a wife. He pulled up her Facebook, and went through the picture portion and I saw wedding photos. I told him that was enough. He logged out, and I threw him out. I'm thinking that the glass on closet door could be filled with a picture??? Because his wife's facebook said she works at the local university. So she had to be living there too! I don't even want to think about what all he did that was a lie. I just need to find strength in myself to move on. Every spare moment I cry. I see something in my house that ties to a memory of him and I break down. I did meet his sister (long story, but we went out of state together to take her one of his vehicles to use), and some co-workers. I was introduced as "this is ____(my 1st name)" which didn't bother me. He met all my friends. Two of which work at the university. And once they found out they immediately told me they knew the wife, and were in shock too. It's just horrible. I wish I could take back time. I wish I was psychic. I wish I knew. And please believe me I am not a simple, stupid or slow woman. I'm 28 with a PhD, I have everything I need. I just managed to not see the wife signs!!! I just want the pain to go away soon. I thank you all for your support.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Then he's a grown man that has totally done wrong, thought he could get away with it, I'd feel like you do too, and I am so sorry...

We're here to support you, vent away, it's your thread.

What I think hurts more? Is that you feel like you were suckered, hense your need and want to destroy, tell... But here's the thing...

YOUR FRIENDS know... Someone, WILL, be compelled to do/say something somewhere along the line.

Sit back and do nothing, as we've said, don't speak with him at all... you need to cry until the tears are gone.

Sadly there are people in this world that care more about themselves than the other person.

Stay strong sweet.

CW