[sexybabe]

I'm still so scared though. I told myself I would never be hurt like that again. I've continuously dated guys who were not and had no chance of being "the one". I've pushed people away as soon as there is any sign of doubt... I don't want to be that way now, but the thought of having someone be capable of hurting me that way again absolutely terrifies me...

I feel you. I think it's particularly normal for us girls to feel terrified to fall in love again after being hurt. Girls normally push love away after experiencing the pain of losing someone she deeply loves, but the reason for that is because you have not properly healed your heart. It may have been years after the breakup, but you may not have completely healed for all sorts of reasons (you did not allow yourself to grieve your loss, did not forgive your ex partner or yourself for that matter, you buried the hurt feelings and hurriedly moved on with your life, and so on...). If you need to go back and feel that pain again, then by all means do so! I know that sounds terrifying but really, the only thing that's holding you back from opening your heart again is because you are still keeping some of the hurt inside you, which causes you be afraid of getting involved again.

Explore your feelings of hurt, rejection, and abandonment from the last breakup. Feel the sadness, and sorrow that you felt after losing this person that you deeply loved. Allow yourself to be angry that he hurt you so bad. Feel that fear that you might not be able to find someone you can love as much as you loved your ex partner. And most importantly, fill yourself up with love and you will start attracting the right man in your life.

I am going through this whole process myself and I must say it's not easy. Each time I have to go back and explore my feelings, it just terrifies me. I never want to feel that hurt again. But I know I have to heal my heart so that I can allow myself to love again someday. And I know that allowing myself to "feel" is crucial in this whole process of healing. I just broke up with my ex last month and until now, I am still scared of not being able to open my heart again to anyone. I was completely devastated and losing him totally shook me to my very core. He was really the love of my life. But as much as I am shattered right now, I am also aware of the importance of properly healing from a breakup... because that determines the kind of relationship you will have next.

Good luck!

[GlitterAndStuds]

Oh man. Let me tell you, I can completely relate to everything you said in your first post. I've been so damaged by exes (2 in particular) that I just wanted to give up and be alone forever because I thought that would be better. And instead of looking for a meaningful relationship - even though I always wanted one - I just went from meaningless experience to meaningless experience. "Dating" different guys for 2 week at a time, mostly just sexual "relationships" with no substance. I just never wanted to open up to anyone.

The first guy that hurt me really badly was my boyfriend in high school. He broke up with me and I was already devastated enough by that. I never wanted to leave my house, I was just so depressed for months after that. Then I found out later that he'd slept with my then best friend very shortly after. So all my trust for anyone just went out the window after that. It took a LOOOONG time to recover from.

The other guy just was very up and down for almost 2 years. I couldn't let go of him, but after a while gave up and moved on. I wasn't pursuing him but he jerked me around so much... making me think there would be something between us, then taking it back again...over and over. So I got messed with there too. So after these guys I just never kept an open mind when I met new ones. I always EXPECTED the guys after them to be jerks, and more often than not they were... but I think it was because I made it obvious that I just didn't care.

I don't know for what reason, but I went in with an open mind when I met my boyfriend. I was dealing with issues with someone else at the time, I was a little emotional. But when I met him, I literally forgot about all of it. It took me a long time to accept how good he was to me. I kept thinking it was all just a front and that his true colors would show through soon enough. Granted, only a couple days ago I was freaking out about him, but that's because I STILL have my moments due to the hurt I went through with these other guys.

I'm so happy I let him into my life though. One good thing about dealing with a-holes.... they help you learn what it's like to be treated WELL. You don't take it as much for granted when a guy is good to you, you appreciate it instead. I could have easily written him off but I'm so thankful I didn't. He's been my rock ever since then and I'm so much happier with life.

Anyway, I'm rambling. A lot. But I can understand the freaking out on your part. I like the advice that WC gave you on both options. Either way, you're letting him in a little by telling him your feelings (or showing) and enjoying him and seeing how it goes. And the point of my rambling was that I finally opened up to someone great and it paid off a lot. It's a risk, but what's life without risks, right?

[caterpillar79]

KY, keeping ourselves in the shell is our default. I am guilty as well. And though I have allowed my self to be close again, (even closer this time), my default resurfaces once in a while.

It's a life-long endeavor I suppose, but we keep trying and moving to the direction where our love takes us.