[newhere808]

I think men and women are wired differently in the brain! and its a fair generalisation but i think women are more willing to try understand a man than a man is for a woman.

Not to pick a fight, but I disagree with this notion. If this was the case then women would have little frustration with how guys react to their SO's complexities.

If were going to talk in generality, then I think it's safe to say that neither sex really understands eachother, which is prolly why were so captivated by them. Anybody can understand a person, who they are and how they react, but there are always going to be quirks that are inexplicable, and there are some that seem to be gender specific. Being understanding is a personal decision, one that can really only be made with maturity and experience with a person.

Along the lines of your first question, there are more and more women these days that will cheat on their husband/SO before sitting down and confronting them about whatever is going on that's hurting them. If a willingness to be understanding was present, this wouldn't happen from either gender to the other.

People have different ways of reacting to things that bother them, this could be a streesful moment in a day or years of buried emotional distress. To be with someone like that requires a person to be willing to deal with that side of them. In my mind, there is no justifiable excuse for cheating, but along the lines of "why do ______ in the first place, if your just gonna apologize about it" people do this all the time. Men and women do not think very clearly when frustrated, upset or otherwise bothered, and we all make misjudgements in these situations. It's only natural that we would regret something that we realize had a negative impact after the fact.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Without a doubt women and men are wired differently but also, so much has to do with our up-bringing, our morals, our beliefs of life.

I cheated on my first boyfriend, mind you I was 17 and non-experienced with "words, lies", I was told about my boyfriend and his cheating by his mate, you can guess the rest, from that day onwards, I learnt big time, and reverted back to my Morals, never will I cheat, and I never ever did and I couldn't.

I have this "belief" that if a relationship is over, then you walk first. Then you can enter into another, or what ever it is going to be with someone else...

I think "people" who aren't soulful and ready for "ever after", will take risks, if they are a risk taker in life, in general and an apology is because they were caught out.
Most people aren't evil let's face it, so knowing you've hurt someone, for your own self, you want to get it clear "I'm sorry", so you don't personally feel bad. This is where my " don't talk to them, don't allow them to apologise analogy comes into it, cruel I know but why let someone who has done wrong, forgive themselves, because they had a chance to say sorry? And, then move on, continue with what they were doing?

I say, don't give them the chance let them always carry it with them.

I also think, that where "the one" comes into play, nothing would make that person cheat.

But there is only "one" or "two" in our lives, that we can ever say we had a soul connection, a true soul connection, the rest are tests, try before you buy, comfort, a need, a like, friendship, the wrong one, etc....

Therefore, in the back of our minds, we're still inevitably looking, sub-consciously, as we know that it's just not that perfect "click"..

Having said that though, on the same accord, alot of people "settle", and accept because of time, they don't want to start again, so they over look and just convince themselves they are in love... But the other party, isn't thinking the same.

Phsycologically, a person that has just been cheated on that can not get that out of their mind, pain, perhaps and often " no closure as to why?", I was good to them, etc, has a distaste and also no "belief" in themselves, or their next partner, and therefore, reacts the same way somewhere down the line, from their own, in-securities and non-belief that the next person will not do the same to them eventually. They make their own bed so to speak.

Also we have to look at their up-bringing, if morals weren't instilled, then it's hard to find them later as you don't exactly know what the word means.

There are so many reasons.....

Growth... and finding a soul sometimes changes the whole thought pattern......sometimes they never grow, or change though.

CW

[x.st.angel.x]

Sperosi and Hopeless dork, you hit the nail on the head with my situation..until i read it i didnt quite have words for it.

I believe he still has some kind of feelings for me but yes i think he's doing the right thing here. He did actually tell me he is very capable of hurting me again....

However im still fuzzy on the cheating part though. Even after reading CW's post above im still unclear....To me i just cant understand why he cheated or why someone cheats in general. Even considering all the reasons sperosi said i still cant help but think...why cheat?? why not do something thats less painful to the other person?

It starts to turn into a vicious cycle.

[Hopeless Dork]

There is always exceptions for what would drive someone to cheat... but I think loyalty is a character trait.

Some people won't cheat because they are afraid of getting caught, and those people might cheat if they think they can get away with it.

Some people wouldn't cheat even if they knew no one would ever know, they themselves knowing prevents them from doing it... they not only don't want to let you down, they consider that letting themself down as well and just can't bring themselves to cheat.

Then there are those that will cheat because they feel that no matter what promises they make... they are entitled to break those promises whenever it suits their current desire.

Those people are sometimes so confident of the love of the one they are cheating on that they feel like even if they get caught, they can talk their way out of it. Or some care so little about the person they are cheating on that they feel it would be no real loss to them if it came to the light. And some think they actually love the person they are cheating on, but just don't really understand what love means, and the sacrafice (and great reward) involved in bestowing it upon someone.

From what you mentioned about your ex, I'm thinking he falls into the category of someone that did/does care about you, but cares about his own needs/wants first. He doesn't sound like someone ready to devote himself to someone and definitly not worthy of that sort of devotion directed at them.

The fact that he recognizes he isn't there yet... is admirable. He may turn his life around, he may realize the true love of ONE person is worth 10 million times more than superficial one night stands with people that don't care one bit about him is much more valuable. He may never realize that and be one of those people that uses people to suit his needs and lives a lonely, pretending to be satisfied - exsistence.

That is neither here nor there though. You never know truly why someone does what they did when they have already proven they can be deceptive. Anything coming from them should be taken with a grain of salt as suspect.

[Guest]

. . .

However im still fuzzy on the cheating part though. Even after reading CW's post above im still unclear....To me i just cant understand why he cheated or why someone cheats in general. Even considering all the reasons sperosi said i still cant help but think...why cheat?? why not do something thats less painful to the other person?

It starts to turn into a vicious cycle.

it's also part of the self-harming thing. it's like hard drug use. people know it's harmful - to themselves and others but still do it because they think it'll make the pain go away, yet still knowing in the long run they will only hurt more.

i am again going to point to something called borderline personality disorder. i am not a therapist or medical professional, but someone who was a counselor once pointed that disorder to me and it explained a lot of what I was having to deal with. there is a whole self-harming & risky behavior symptom/side to it, as quoted:

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms




does any of this sound familiar about him?

[stressed]

I cheated on my first boyfriend when the relationship was already over in many stages and he had been constantly cheating on me in the first place. I didn't feel guilty at the time, it even felt unavoidable. I still don't regret it.

Now I'm in a serious relationship with another man, we have problems, sex is an issue for me, and a few months ago I had this huge chance to cheat on him without him ever finding out. I could have even started an affair if I wanted to, just for sex since it's such a serious issue for us. But you know, as soon as this guy started hugging and kissing me the first thought I had was my man, that I don't want any of this, I don't want to cheat and this 'new friend from school who just wanted to talk' has crossed the line big time. So instead of cheating I went to my man and filled in a report for sexual abuse (because I nearly panicked that he wouldn't stop, but I was lucky enough because his wife called to say she was coming home earlier than usual).

The point is, no matter what influence you are under you won't cheat if you are certain about what you have.