[Hoochie Coochie Man]

Sorry for being long winded but I need some insights around ways to soothe my SO when I have hurt her. I’m doing a terrible job and I am frustrated. I have read and tried to make changes a while back but it doesn't help. This the approach I have used for about a year now;

First I listen all the way through until she is completely finished speaking with out interrupting. I have consciously learned to avoid constructing my response when listening. I listen for other things now. I try to understand exactly what happened from her point of view, how she perceived things and imagine it being me; to understand how my actions made her feel. When she is finished, I take a few seconds to think about it. If I am wrong, I apologize. If I am not or worse, I feel she is wrong it’s tougher. I try express her feelings are not wrong and I understand them, find something I could improve upon, but I state my beliefs on my views about the action. For an apology I always try to express these four things;
1. That it is to her;
2. That I understand and take responsibility for my behavior.
3. That my behavior was wrong or incorrect
4. That I express regret or remorse for hurt or harm it created in her
These are two recent real examples;

I emailed her about dancing and how I was getting a key to a practice studio. She sent back a very hurt reply about how I did not want to dance with her anymore and I hadn’t included any mention of her in what I wrote and it seemed I was going to be dancing with others. I thought about it and here is what I replied;

“I love dancing with you; you are my favorite person in the world to dance with. You’re right, I didn’t include your name in what I wrote and I was wrong for not doing so. I can understand why that would be hurtful and make you feel I didn’t want to dance with you. I was wrong to do this and I am very sorry I did it. Please accept my apology. I very much want to dance with you always and I’m sorry for not making that clearer.”

This one is tougher. She was going out she and avoided telling me anything about it (we are usually very open). Later I learned it was to meet an ex lover. I confronted her with this and said it was wrong not to tell me, it made me suspicious. She went into great detail about how it was harmless (I believe this), she was scared I would worry, didn’t want to frighten me and that I should understand this and that she wasn’t trying to hide anything. I said something like this;

“I can understand how worried you were and I believe it was harmless. If I did something to make you believe otherwise I am sorry I did that, I shouldn’t have and it was wrong of me. I believe everything you said about it, it made me feel better and I do trust you. I can even imagine how you felt and if I were in your shoes I might have done the exact same thing. But I still believe it was wrong not to tell me and that is honestly what I believe.”

In both instances I had no effect. She still tells me I do not want to dance with her and has ignored additional pleadings and apologies, refusing to go dancing ever since. With the other she has stayed angry telling me I don’t understand her, she did nothing wrong and I don’t care about her.

My approach is screwed up and I have to do something different. What am I missing and not understanding? What should I do differently? I hate this hurt I am causing. (Btw. She's a Pisces Girl)

[LanaBear]

Honestly, I don't see where you are going wrong here, I read it a couple of different times to make sure I wasn't missing anything...

You've apologized, why can she not accept the apology and let it go? How long have the two of you been together? Is she looking for an out?

[Hopeless Dork]

I think sometimes appologizing isn't always enough to make someone feel better when they feel slighted. Saying I should have done it this way I should have done it that and I'm sorry I didn't and am remorseful about it is , of course, a great appology. But to help someone get over it, its good to include the reasons why you may have forgotten in the first place. It sounds like more than the dancing she wants to be in your thoughts and is likely hurt not only that you didn't think of dancing with her, but that she didn't cross your mind when you wrote it. Whether or not that is the case.

So on top of being sorry for what you did, I think its always good to include the WHY it may have happened... why the slip, and reaffirmation that she is in fact at the forefront of your thoughts despite the fact you momentarily forgot about her, etc.

i know when my boyfriend does something that makes me upset, he appolgises and it puts a band aid... but everytime it comes up or I think about it... unless I have a greater understanding for how it happened in the first place, the wound reopens , every single time. And he doesn't understand how he can say sorry, I can accept and yet dwell... and its because I still haven't found away to understand how I factored/or didn't factor into his decision making when he did whatever it was that hurt me.

[Hoochie Coochie Man]

No, it isn't that, I have talked to her about how I can feel these "hurts" in her and I could understand if they were such that she had to leave. I have asked her if there was some other way that I could express my remorse or beliefs, if there was something in my body lanquage or my voice, or facial expression, choice of words that I could change to make my sincerity easier to understand, that I would try. She has said "no" she has to just learn to "hear" better. These discussion occur of course in calmer, non threatening moments. Seems good then. But once the emotions enter its almost like they short circuit her and a torrent of her emotions wash over me and I have to stay calm and soft or fireworks begin. The biggest problem is preventing the frustration of my words having no effect from showing.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It sounds to me that she likes to "win", likes to have the control.

I personally see apologies for something serious, not minor.

ie) The dancing thing? I would have said, "pfttt why do you think I sent "you" the email, obviously I was hinting something to you, sweetheart"...

Logically really.

And, with the ex-boyfriend... You had a right to question why and she should have apologised to you, which she sort of did, to which I would have said " A relationship is about trust, and honesty, I trust you so you need to be honest in future and tell me please"..

If she wants to go off on a tandrum of ignoring you, etc, etc, that's her problem and you need to ask yourself if you are both on the same page.

In neither instances did you do anything for her to crack up about.. You have to in my opinion be "stronger". She's being the male, and your being the female, in this role...

And, I don't mean that disrespectfully, I mean it as far as the brain is thinking/working.. Alpha etc.

CW

[Hoochie Coochie Man]

That is an excellent point hopeless Dork, I can do that! You know actually avoided doing it because I thought it might sound like I am making excuses for my behavior and I didn't want to lessen the impact of admitting I was completely responsible and wrong. But I like that a lot because she does that too and so may be including it would bring things closer to what she need to hear to believe. I am going to have to give that a try next time and see if it helps. I know how often my own prejudices trip me up, so maybe this could help. Thanks!

[LanaBear]

It sounds to me that she likes to "win", likes to have the control.

I personally see apologies for something serious, not minor.

ie) The dancing thing? I would have said, "pfttt why do you think I sent "you" the email, obviously I was hinting something to you, sweetheart"...

Logically really.

And, with the ex-boyfriend... You had a right to question why and she should have apologised to you, which she sort of did, to which I would have said " A relationship is about trust, and honesty, I trust you so you need to be honest in future and tell me please"..

If she wants to go off on a tandrum of ignoring you, etc, etc, that's her problem and you need to ask yourself if you are both on the same page.

In neither instances did you do anything for her to crack up about.. You have to in my opinion be "stronger". She's being the male, and your being the female, in this role...

And, I don't mean that disrespectfully, I mean it as far as the brain is thinking/working.. Alpha etc.

CW

I completely agree here. It all seems rather trivial. Maybe I'm just not grasping it. It all seems rather high maintenance to keep her happy and not upset. Just my .02.

[Hoochie Coochie Man]

I agree with you CW about apologies. I almost think they are sacred. I want someone to know when I give them an apology, they can count on its truth and sincerity, so I apologize only for something or some part of a thing that I believe I had a culpability in and for which my regret is real. Never just to "make things better".

You hit a note however. Sometimes I do sense a need to "win" in this but it feels more like a need not to "lose" because it would be to painful. It brings up something else maybe you all could help me understand. At these times she smears her emotions, beliefs, and actions under one heading of "her feelings" She'll say something like "I feel like you are going to leave me." I know that no logical expression will help because Ive tied and it didn't. I have tired telling her I love her and need her and expressing affections and my feeling of need for her. I have tried asking her, " if I left how would that make you feel? Would it hurt or frighten you? Would it make you feel abandoned, maybe scared? Does it make you feel vulnerable or devalued? I have felt all of these thing too. I would completely understand and soothe you and let you know your not alone. It would me a lot to me if you shared these with me." But she'll just say something like "I don't know, I keep telling you my feelings. I feel like you are going to leave".

What does it all mean and what I should do? How to make it better? It's all incredibly perplexing.

[WildChild]

I'm baffled. Like CW and Lana I see her reaction to the dance thing as completely out of proportion. And saying nothing about meeting the old BF as out of line. With all the problems I'm having with the LOML, I would still not even consider not telling him something like that. Either you trust someone or you don't, if she doesn't think you can handle trusting her - what do you have ?

Different people have different ways of "hearing" what is said, have different needs emotionally but if she were a gf of mine and told me these stories, substantually as you ahve told them, I'd be completely nonplussed.

[newhere808]

Honestly, and I apologize for the tone, but it really just seems that she likes to dangle you. The manner in which you apologize is something suited to an actual mistake and not a slight oversight on your part and HER misinterpretation of an email, and in regards to the second example, why in the world are you even apologizing for being concerned about something like that? That is a minefield for nearly any relationship and unless you were drilling her about it when she got back, or have been treating her like dirt since it happened, there is really nothing that you've done that you should apologize for.

I think she likes to stay 'on top' by keeping you apologetic and feeling like you did something wrong. There are lot's of men that do this to women as well, make them feel like they ultimately made some mistake, and do it because as a sympathizer, a person is typically more aggreeable or complacent.