[CHANDLERS WISH]

Your giving her everything a girl could possibly wish for as far as feeling "safe" goes.

It's almost like she knows this but then has doubts and through that fear, she uses that "reverse physcology" so that she can "hear" how you "feel" about "her" to re-assure herself. However, it appears that she hears you but won't accept what you are saying and is very in-secure about relationships.

She needs to understand that they do end, or they do go on "forever" but we can not judge what will happen and if we are well suited to make the distance until time.

Time tells all.

But for you? Unless she jumps this hurdle and becomes a risk taker, wherever it leads it leads and if my heart gets broken, it does, this is alot of stress, time, effort, continuously that you will have to endure.

How do you make her believe? It has to be a part of her nature, to do so or "time" which can be along time.

CW

[Hoochie Coochie Man]

Hey thank you everyone. There seems to be a general consensus of sorts here, although it is somewhat different than the one I was expecting . I am caught up in a tempest of confusion and self doubt compounded by the passionate love I feel for this woman. She is so intelligent, compassionate, fun loving, witty, complex and sexually thrilling that I am almost magnetized. Yet this other stuff is increasing and I know that ultimately I wont be controlled. I need a relationship of equals. I am guessing that I may have some agonizing decisions ahead of me. Thanks for the bucket of cold water. I feel a little more grounded, though sadly so.

[newhere808]

It's never easy, but you may want to confront her on it before making any rash decisions. Like you said, you need and all people deserve a relationship of equals, explain all the things you love about her, but then call her out on the controlling behavior, no one should have to be treated that way, and it is entirely too common.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hey thank you everyone. There seems to be a general consensus of sorts here, although it is somewhat different than the one I was expecting . I am caught up in a tempest of confusion and self doubt compounded by the passionate love I feel for this woman. She is so intelligent, compassionate, fun loving, witty, complex and sexually thrilling that I am almost magnetized. Yet this other stuff is increasing and I know that ultimately I wont be controlled. I need a relationship of equals. I am guessing that I may have some agonizing decisions ahead of me. Thanks for the bucket of cold water. I feel a little more grounded, though sadly so.

Just a thought

Could it be that you are competing? In-otherwords, feeling a tad, in-secure? Her intelligence? So you apologise to keep things safe. But, she sees that as weakness and has a go...

I say this because unfortunately, when someone acts weak, thinking that they are doing the "right thing" an intelligent woman picks up on that and if she is intelligent, she is confident and doesn't like non-confidence.

Work on your confidence. As, we all said, your apologies really weren't warranted...

This may show you a completely different scenario.

I'm not suggesting you be a blah.. more to the suggestions I made before over her comments, with your replies.

[Hoochie Coochie Man]

It's a very good question. I am not insecure per se, but I could be a little slow. lol I am not bothered by someone doing something better than me, they’re fun because I can learn something and I too have my strengths. So intelligence or any individual gifts are a non issue. As complete individuals go, I've never met my superior or inferior for that matter. I am confused, uncertain more than insecure. From all the feedback here I am beginning to sense an element of control present. I am negotiable; if someone wants to keep private friends, I will think about it and if I can live with it comfortably, okay why not. But the rule must apply equally. That is a problem because I keep running into exceptions where there appears rhetorical justification for her receiving exemption, read: inequality. On this I will not yield so -fight-turmoil-she reluctantly agrees. Like with the openness which we agreed to (which she proposed and insisted upon). Now because of her emotional concern which was misplaced the agreement changes? No. If you mess up, own up, apologize we’re good. No big deal. But to avoid taking responsibility with rhetoric and respond with what might be emotional punishment? I’m not sure if that’s it but..

I compromise by choice sans resentment and I expect the same in return. It maybe that she perceives this quality as a weakness or maybe it's something else, perhaps some kind of competition as you say. If so it’s a problem. I am not much of an Alpha male who will inspect, audit and demand compliance. If you say it, you'll do it, why wouldn't you? If it must be otherwise I would have to very sadly, you have no idea how very painfully and wrenchingly conclude that it’s not for me. But I will take time to be sure I am not misreading or misunderstanding something. Very good things come our way so seldom.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Very good things come our way so seldom.

I like that

That makes sense, confused, un-certainty does bring in a tad of "in-security" though, I go through it, we all do.. But, generally, arguements are not part of it, or to the point in having to apologise.

Maybe, she is intelligent but has had a lot of Alpha men in her life, and is having trouble adjusting then? Maybe, she has been used to defending herself?

Do you know much about her past?

If that was the case, non apologies but re-assurance is in order.

If that doesn't work then she's controlling and simply, purely, likes her own way.

Is she a princess? haha, you know what I mean, likes to be doted on, spoilt.

She can't ask for "Privacy" with friendships then exceptions what on your behalf? You can't do that?

Why on earth would a person whom is in love, want Private friends? Automatically as a woman I would want to introduce my man to all of my friends.

[Hoochie Coochie Man]

Once again my thanks to all. All the posts on the first page helped me get through my uncerrrtttaaaiin…alright alight…INSECURITY There I said it!Contemplating what was said about control, apologies, dangling, being kept off balance, the triviality of some things brought me back to the apologies. So when we were sitting chatting tonight I asked her. “When you make a personal apology to someone close, do you still feel bad afterward or perhaps worse because you have spoken the wrong aloud?” Mon Dieu! As she got into it deeper and deeper it appears that when she draws closer emotionally she has a tremendous fear of being hurt to such a degree that it is excruciatingly painful to contemplate wrong doing; and apologizing is to become agonizingly vulnerable, like an open wound for all to see and pick at. She feels so victimized and so guilty that she becomes angry at the wronged person for triggering this pain. Of course she doesn’t see this, it’s all completely logical by virtue her amorphous definition of “feelings”. But you can see her get lost in this pain even as she is talking.

I feel so bad for her. What a horrible, terrible, awful way to feel inside, to have to keep it all bound up. I think the “control” is just her way of navigating people close, ME, away from this hidden open sore and all of these incidents of late start to make sense.

So I dunno what I’m going to do. HD and CW your right, it’s not apologies but reassurance she needs from me and I will give it. But I am not sure I understand enough to truly help. I am going to have to think about it for a while.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hey...

Well, just try to learn to sense when she does it as you have and then type back, say it to her, or if with her, simply do... (hug) (hugs, babe x0x0x0) and hold her as well if with her...