[Sweetest Love]

Okay... I have a boyfriend who I have been in a relationship with for 3 1/2 years. He and I have a wonderful relationship . We were friends before we started dating and we are still friends. In fact he is my best friend. We talk about everything with each other. But he cheated. And I was COMPLETELY blindsided by it. I mean there was no reason for it. Anyway I know he cheated because I told me. He told me because she was pregnant. Anyway that was almost 1 year ago. The baby was born in december. I love kids. When I think about the baby I smile, because, its a baby, and babies are great. I thought I could handle this. But we went to visit the baby to see her for the first time, and it was the hardest thing I have ever sat thru. I walked away feeling like I can't handle the situation at all. I told him too. The next day I talked to a friend who knows me and has been around us and really admires our relationship (oddly enough everyone who knows us thinks we are really good together, even the ones that REALLY know us...lol) and she gave me some words of encoragement. Anyway, I was just thinking back on the situation and I am trying to figure out how to handle this. What do you do when the cause and cure for your problem is one in the same? What do you do when the one person that you love to see happy is happy about something that crushes your heart, but you don't want him to be unhappy about it, because it is something that SHOULD make a person happy? I just need some words of advice, or whatever anyone wants to offer me...

[LanaBear]

Do you know why he cheated? Do you think he would have told you had she not got pregnant?

[Hopeless Dork]

I take from your post you guys worked through the affair obviously, and you decided to stick with him. I realize it would be easier if you could close that chapter and never have to think about what he did to hurt you. Now that the baby is here I can totally understand your mixed feelings... the cheating is at the forefront of your mind, you see baby, you see the mom, you think of the betrayal... and go back, emotionally, to square one on the hurt.

But if you do love him, if you do not want to leave... you are going to have to find a way to , in your own mind, seperate the baby..from the affair. I know that logically they go hand in hand.. but emotionally you can view it differently. The baby is here. Its going to be here for good. You love kids, you love this man, your happiness for him is dampered by what he did... UNDERSTANDBLE.

You know yourself better than anyone. If you think in your heart, and you know you will never be able to accept these circumstances... you might need to let go. If you are going to be brought to heartache every time he's with his baby... you might need to let go. Its a lot for a woman to forgive an affair (or a man for that matter) but to then have the reminders of it in your life always... is harder still.

But if you know in your heart that you will be able to get past the hurt, to find a different way to see this situation. To not blame the baby, to love the baby as its the child of the man you love, to maybe view it as a blessing ... to view it not as him 'cheating' (even though he did) , but rather him having this child while the two of you were on a break, on the rocks, anything that can help you wrap your head around the deception and move toward the future.

Do you trust him? Are you happy other than this situation?

[Sweetest Love]

I actually asked him both of those questions. And the answers ... when asked why he cheated, he said it was really just something that he wanted to do. He said it really had nothing to do with any part of our relationship. He thought about it and just decided to do it. He said he had stared temptation in the face on so many occasions and this time he just wanted to do it... as for if he would have told me had she not gotten pregnant... no he would not have told me.

[sourpuss]

How old are you? Not that it matters really. If I put myself in this situation, I don't think I could handle it at all. I was bummed about something similar last week. My boyfriend has a kid and the only time he's TRULY happy is when he's around her, or talking about her. I know that I'll never make him that happy. It's cool to see how much he loves her, but at the same time, it's sad that I'll never be part of that part of his life. And he had her before we met. I can't imagine your situation. I'm actually surprised that you went with him to see the baby.

Those feelings will always be there no matter what. I think your just going to have to decide if it's something that you can live with or not. Child aside, the fact that you say everything is perfect yet he cheated just because he felt like it doesn't sound like everything is perfect. Is there a reason you didn't leave him when you found out?

[Hopeless Dork]

Not sounding very good. He THOUGHT about it, he weighed the options, and decided , yes... I will cheat. He didn't consider breaking up with you, he didn't consider telling you he was going to step out of the relationship for a fling and let you decide if you wanted to stick around with that circumstance. He just said hm... I've been tempted before, this time I will do it.

I would almost respect his honesty for coming clean eventually... if I didn't have such an utter lack of respect for him making a conscious decision to risk your relationship for nothing other than 'wanting to do it'.

If there were no probs in the relationship, if he was happy... and just 'wanted to do it' whats to prevent him from wanting to do it in the future?

[Sweetest Love]

Do you trust him? Are you happy other than this situation?

Yes Hopeless Dork, we did work pass the fact that he cheated and yes I actually do trust him. I had only one area where I did not trust him (and that was with handling the situation in an appropriate manner with the other girl)and that was nipped in the bud. As for my happiness... that is why this situation is so hard for me. I am SOOOO happy with him. He really is the love of my life! I have asked myself if seeing him with this child will make me hurt and feel like I am starting from the beginning eveytime... and the honest to goodness answer is... I don't know. I've been talking about the situation more with him and others and I think that'll help, but I just don't know. Only time will truly tell I guess. I saw a picture of the baby today and in the picture she actually looks like him (he is going to get a paternity test to clear any doubt) and it was really hard for me to hear one of my friends say that the baby looked like him, but I had to admit that she did in that particular pic. I actually showed him the pic and told him I think she looks like him, I asked him what he thinks and he agreed, and for some reason that wasn't as hard for me; I have moments when I really do think I can handle it, then I have moments when it makes me sad just thinking about it. But I think the more I just face it and talk about it the easier it'll get...

[Sweetest Love]

sourpuss... I have asked him more than once why and his response is always the same. He says it has nothing to do with our relationship. I don't understand it either, and to be honest I have given up trying to understand that part. It is just completely illogical to me. But to answer your question about why I didn't leave, we have really good relationship, and I couldn't picture myself not being with him. When I thought about our relationship in its entirety there was just so much happiness and good times, and I didn't think this one mistake on his part should end it all...

Hopeless Dork... I have asked him those same questions. If you just wanted to... what would stop you from doing it if you just wanted to in the future? He says he has learned his lesson. Say hind sight he realizes it was not worth it, but at the time, he really just thought nothing would come of it and that it would be something he just did. He told me that it actually happened twice, and after the second time he decided that it would not happen again, so he didn't feel the need to bring it up to me, then a month or so later she told him she was pregnant... But to answer your question with the answer he gave me, he realizes what he could have lost and does not want to risk us ever again.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The "how old are you question asked" pertains to the years you have been together.. ie) If you were a teenager when you met and he has been with you for 3 and a half years, he may have felt at some stage/point "he hadn't really sowed his oats", not excusing him, if that's the case, but it must have been a question in his mind.

He told you he had many opportunities and on this occasion he acted on it.. I wouldn't excuse a grown man of this, but a young man I would. Also, because he told you "why"... irrespective that he may not have told you, he told you why he did it so you have good communication.

The issue is probably that you man has a child.

That child will be his for the rest of your lives together, and it's with another woman and you were with him at the time.

That's very hard to take and only you can decide if you can handle it. I think it will take time for you to do this.. If you really trust him, let him go alone on occasions so your not having to deal with it all at once, rather bit by bit.

If you trust him, and love him then it's up to you to accept what he did.

But, what else can he really say to you?

Sorry would be good but I doubt it will be said with constant re-assurance and maybe that's also what you need, that if the baby is his, he isn't every going to leave you to be with this woman he had a thing with, to be with the baby.

You probably have more questions than you've even thought about.

CW

[newhere808]

Not sounding very good. He THOUGHT about it, he weighed the options, and decided , yes... I will cheat. He didn't consider breaking up with you, he didn't consider telling you he was going to step out of the relationship for a fling and let you decide if you wanted to stick around with that circumstance. He just said hm... I've been tempted before, this time I will do it.

I would almost respect his honesty for coming clean eventually... if I didn't have such an utter lack of respect for him making a conscious decision to risk your relationship for nothing other than 'wanting to do it'.

If there were no probs in the relationship, if he was happy... and just 'wanted to do it' whats to prevent him from wanting to do it in the future?

I agree with HD. There is no justifiable reason to cheat in my mind, and yet he is so brazen about it, yes he was honest about it, but that doesn't change the fact that he not only slept with but knocked up another girl ON A WHIM. To me this tells you a lot about this man you love.

In regards to your current situation, I guess my question would be what role is this man planning on playing in this childs life? Is he planning on being a consistent presence in it's life? Is he planning on supporting it? Is he planning on supporting the mother? Does he even know the answers to such questions?

I would say before you can move forward you need to know where he stands with this child, if you do not already. Even if you are able to come to a place where you trust him totally and are happy with him, if he plans on being in this childs life with regualarity, and especially the mothers life with regularity, I don't see how it could ever top bothering you on some level.