[Amanda417]

I feel like my mom has a favorite between me 17, and my little sister 12, to the point where I have no intentions of having her in my life anymore just because I cannot take the mental stress of being in contact with them anymore, or atleast not for awhile. Once I turn legal, I'm moving across the contry, away from her. She shows it but denies it all the time. And then she talks badly about me behind my back to relietives but then I live with my dad and she has NO idea about my personal life, school friends or even myself. I bet if you gave her a quiz about me, she would fail. She hasn't asked or even ever cared about what I want to be, what my favorite color is, or who my boyfriend is. She wouldn't know what acters I think are the hottest. She wouldn't care what I've done with my boyfriend and she wouldn't care that I've tried weed only under the influence of my boyfriend. I just wanted to know if this is normal for a Parent because I'm pretty sure my Dad likes me better then my sister too.

Why dose she hate me? She dose way more for my sister and when ever I visit I don't have fun. When I leave I'm sad to go because my best friend lives there (shes kinda going threw the same thing) and I miss them alot. I really don't think that my mom knows she has a favorite but she dose and I guess maybe she like me alittle but only in the term of friend or aquatance and shes always kinda been like that since my parents got divorced. For example last November she said that there would be a really good chance that we would go to Flordia in Febuary. January came and she told me that we couldn't go but then just today my sister texted me from her new phone (she's in 7th grade, I'm in 12th. She has a slider/touch with internet, games and texting. I got a flip phone with only minutes, no texting, internet, games, or any special features and I didn't have that untill I lived with my dad) saying that they went to Florida without me and weren't planning on telling me. This really hurt because my mother promissed that if we couldn't go to Flordia we would go skiing and in January she told me that we couldn't do eaither. And then she also lies to me alot. When she has a 'suprise' for me its usially a puzzel. God it! I'm almost 18 and I have never liked Puzzles! For my sister it's always this really cool thing that she loves. I This really really hurts and I really don't know what to do because I really want a better realationship with her. They do all these cool things together when I don't visit and visit and leave me out and my mom thinks that I have 'Emotional Fireworks' when I don't. I'm much better behaved then my sister and I have always been. I'm quiter and polighter and I've always been.

I just thought of another thing that makes no sence. My sister looks exactly like me when I was her age. You can't tell us appart in pictures unless my grandemother in them (she died before my sister was born). And I don't really think its about looks because I'm taller then her now (5"11) and my hair is dirty blonde with blonde highlights (altho I was think about dying my hair blak or red highlights)and I'm on the heavier side but defantly not any where close to obese. And I'm pretty I guess. Green eyes. My sister has blue eyes and she thinner and louder. But my sister is way more energetic and more troublesome and she's more defining and I'm quite and I ask permission to do things and I'm low energy but sorta studborn only because they driven me to that. But my sisters the trouble maker and she does things not matter what my mother says.

We're also not alike. I'm really tall, light haired, light eyed and heavier but my mom is short, dark haired, dark eyed and we have diffrent oppinions on alot of things.

I just want to know if this is normal for an older sibling to feel this way and is it normal for a parent to have a favorite? And if you have any advise on how to fix my life, I would love to hear it. I just want to be at least liked by her.

[p3375]

Amanda:
I believe that even very good parents have favorites between their kids. Great parents work against the tendency and try not to show it. Often, parents don't even realize they favor one kid over another.
For good or ill, havn kids does not make a person a genius, a saint or a perfect person. Most moms and dads just do the best they can and hope that's good enough. Don't expect mom (or yourself) to be perfect, wise or all knowing. In lots of ways, we're all just stumbling around in the dark.
P

[Amanda417]

Thanks, but still why would my mom do all that for my sister and not for me and still denie it all the way? How can she not see what she is doing?

She emailed me this morning saying she sounded like she really wanted to make up for not taking me to Flordia but why should I believe her? She's made promisses before and never came threw with them. I don't think I can trust her anymore. Maybe I should just leave her out of my life right now if she's not going to love me but I'll miss her alot...

[Hopeless Dork]

Amanda I think everything you are feeling is NORMAL... but you have to understand that your perception may not be the reality. A lot of parents are accused of 'lying' because they are unable to keep promises that they really shouldn't have made in the first place.... when in their heart it wasn't a lie when they said it. When she promised you a trip she likely meant it.

Sometimes life gets in the way, money or time are an issue and hard choices have to be made and when they don't go the way mom originally promised I understand you feeling decieved.

But you are getting older now, and soon you will see that being a grown up is hard, being a mom is even harder and you have to wear yourself so thin between work, relationships, friendships, your children and yourself. For most parents the kids come first to all things -- but sometimes in order to put them first... some priorities have to be in order... and putting them first doesn't always mean getting to do what they want.

I don't know anyone that has a brother or a sister that hasn't at one time or another felt like they were second best in their parents eyes. It would be a rare case for a parent to love one child more than the other. Although it may seem one gets more attention, preferencial treatment etc... they love the same and sometimes just have a hard time expressing it equally.

Teenage girls and moms have feauded since the beggining of time. You are coming into your own and she may/may not be ready for that.

A lot of the time the older child, you, in this case, will get the short end of the stick when it comes to material things because for some reason parents thing if they can only afford to buy 1 - that the older child will be more understanding of not getting what they want than the baby.

I know its hard with how you feel, but if you look deep into your heart ... I think you can find it in your heart to forgive your mother for the florida trip. Now that you are older perhaps you can have a heart to heart about those promises and tell her that you understand if sometimes she can't keep them, but that you'd rather her just not make them so that you don't have to feel let down when they don't come through.

My kid at 10 years old taught me that lesson and I've taken it to heart ever since. He told me that I was liar because I didn't get him something I told him I'd get for him. I could not afford it. I tried explaining to him that I wanted to get it for him, hoped I could, wanted to make him happy and thats why I promised it and felt horrible that I could not keep my promise.

He told me its okay if you can't get me something but just say so at first that way I don't think about im going to get it every day and don't get it. And it made sense to me and I realized I'd no longer make promises that I wasn't sure I can keep. Now I have to say 'maybe' a lot when he asks me things lol... he's older now and laughs about how many maybe's he gets but I know he prefers the maybes to let downs when I say yes and don't follow through.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Amanda,

You know often we are very much like our parents, that being that she may be able to see so many things in you that she can actually relate to and things in you that she wished that she was.

Your 17 almost an adult, probably your personality is strong, you've moved away and you'll move away further, you have determination.

Perhaps she had goals and dreams and didn't fullfill them and you remind her of herself and what she wanted.

A 12 year old is not yet an Adult and so she doesn't have to contend with those feelings, write her back and ask her, what she wanted to do with her life at your age, does she see simularities in you, with her, maybe she even fears for you, and blocks that by doing what she's doing as your of an age that anything can happen..

The other thing is her relationship with her Husband, verses his relationship with you.

Believe it or not, but jealousy can also play a part, Dad always having paid more attention to you than to her.

There are lots of reasons, unfortunately, unless you speak of it and talk about it, it will stay in the background.

A child always thinks it's because of them, but sometimes, it's because of the Mother, triggers, feeling not important...

Talk to her.

[Amanda417]

Thanks alot for the advice, I feel much better now an I get what your all saying. I guess I really didn't think about everything frist. I will try to talk to her and I hope things get better.

Thanks ya'll!

[Cherry Blossom]

Hi Amanda,

I am Tracy and I live about a million miles away from you but I never knew there could be someone who was in the same situation I am in.I am 27 years old now and I still don't have any good kind of relationship with my mother.I also have a younger sister who is 19 now and because my mom favors her I have grown to dislike her more.My sister is now not a really nice person because of the way my mother gives her everything she wants and I know I have to feel sorry for them but i can't. It really hurts that I am doing my best for my mom and she doesn't see me for who I am..She ignores me when I talk and acts like I am a stranger to her.My sister always gets into trouble and is loud and obnoxious but my mom always forgives her for everything.Sometimes I ask myself why I am even in this family.My dad said that my mom is a jealous person and she can't see me excell in my life and thats why she favors my little sister who always does what she wants and gets into trouble.I have decided to get them out of my life and seeing all this makes me realise that my mother is a person who has more flaws than she ever accused me off and I don't want my children to grow up near someone like that. My mom has asked me to pay her all the money she has given out on me.for school and food etc.and she has always talked about what a burden I am to her since I was 6.I'm just tired of it all.Since I was 6 till 2 weeks ago I have tried and tried to have a good relationship with her but when I talk to her all I get is blank as if she wishes I just stop talking.So thats what I am doing now..its been 2 weeks and I feel better than I ever did.