[h0ney]

i guess im trying to get some insight on my situation. ive been on and off with current bf for 2 n a half years now. last year we seperated for 8 months (my choice due to his insecurity, lack of attention, we fought alot) he begged to come back and reconcile, i moved on. i briefly dated 2 ppl during that seperation.

he would still contact me here and there in hopes of a reconciliation, during that time i changed my cell number, so he would ask occasionally for the new one but i didnt give it to him.

he would always want to know if i was with someone and claim he wasnt with anyone. anyways, after he left a myspace message in august 2009 we met for coffee and talked about everything which somehow resulted in us talking about reconciling eventually. i told him the only way id even consider is if we went to cpls counseling.

november 2009, we officially got back together, started counseling. everythings been going great so far, talking about marriage, even planning a move together this summer.. there have been no arguments.

fast forward to tonight, the bf calls to tell me a woman he dated during our seperation recently called him to tell him that her grandmother passed. he says they havent talked since nov 2009'

when we got back together he did finally admit he was seeing someone when we were seperated, so i knew of her, hes brought her up a couple of times since we got back together. apparently he even moved in with her for 5months during our seperation.

so the time he was with her he was contacting me throughout last year keep in mind this is all new information when we talked tonight. so not only am i dealing with his shady behavior/lies in regards to that, but im also wondering why someone he hasnt talked to since november would contact him about her grandmother passing.

i guess if i had an ex and we hadnt talked supposedly i wouldnt feel the need to contact him about a passing in the family. that just seems off to me, i can see if we had been keeping in touch. why would an 'ex' do that

now im starting to question his character as far as contacting me when he was 'exclusive' with this person, even living together. he made it seem like they werent serious when he admitted to dating her.

[h0ney]

i should also mention his response was very nonchalant. he didnt think it was a big deal that she called. and he also doesnt think hes wrong for contacting me last year.

if you were in my shoes how would you react to this?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Talk to him openly.

He has chased you and chased you.. If he was interested in her and lived with her, I can't see why he'd be chasing you.. nor telling you after... and I imagine seeing as he chased you, last thing he wanted to admit was he had a relationship within that time, until he knew he got you back.

I would have called. Afterall they lived together. And, maybe she actually loved him.

How would I react?

It was always you he wanted, I see your doubt.. Your worried that if he did it to her, will he do it to you? He wasn't serious in her, or else you wouldn't have kept being on his mind... Love is a funny thing, you don't forget the person you love.

I'd make it known to him that your glad your going through couple councelling and one thing evident is NO lying... Understand why he lied because he was still in love with you, but make it clear you'll walk over any future lie.

CW

[rcoreyus]

To me, during the time you are not dating, whatever your past of future SO does with other people is their own business. People can break up under friendly terms, and then it is certainly reasonable for there to be contact - provided that the contact is clearly as friends, not as lovers. (I can't define the difference, but I think it us usually obvious).

The only thing about his behavior that worries me is that he was contacting you to reconcile WHILE dating someone else. That isn't right in my book. I don't think it is honorable to date one person while actively seeking a relationship with another.

[Ashlee T.]

Not a good mark for his character I don't believe. And mainly because in your mind "he was going behind her back talking to me, is he going to go behind my back too?" Maybe you were the one he wanted all along....... but his behaviors don't prove that. Why? I've been there. Been with a guy who claimed to be my soulmate, to love me more than life.....but was still talking to an ex while he was with me telling her he missed her and "love lasts forever" type thing. Then he got back with her, but guess what? Contacted me for over a year after telling me he missed me, I was his soul mate, he was with her for the wrong reasons etc etc etc.

Does he love you? Probably so, especially if he's willing to go to counseling with you. But you've now seen a side of his character that is unlike the character of a man you want to commit your life to, right? So now you have to decide, is he genuine, was it truly that you were the one he wanted all along and she was just a "filler".......? Or is this a man you've had problems with, you question his character, and are just not sure this is right for you?

[pretzel]

My thoughts,

Concerning the passing of the grandmother, I wouldn't be too upset over that. It's quite possible that he and her did know each other, liked each other and would like to pay respects to that person.

I seem to get the impression that he's doing things to make the relationship better than it was the first time around. If that's so, I would think the commitment is stronger. Take the positives and weigh them against your feelings of uneasiness and see if it's going in the direction that makes you feel best. If not, then ask yourself who's holding it back.

[h0ney]

another thing i wanted to mention that he brought up last night, he went to jail in august 2009 for a week. he was still with her, she paid for his lawyer. she was financially supporting him, he called me a few days after he got out of the jail. she was probably oblivious to this and thought i wasnt in the picture. august- through november 09' he would come out to see me, he lives an hour away. we messed around a cpl of times in august. kinda feel bad for her and i dont even know her. she was forking the bill and he was elsewhere.

during last nights conversation he kept getting upset when i wouldnt drop the subject after he told me she called.. so we didnt talk too much about it after. im guess right now im coming to terms with all of this, some of you had some interesting insight and its something to consider. my mind definitely went to "if he could do that to her, he could do that to me" when i thought about it some more. should i mention this is in counseling? even if he wants to drop it, this chapter isnt closed yet for me.

[pretzel]

another thing i wanted to mention that he brought up last night, he went to jail in august 2009 for a week. he was still with her, she paid for his lawyer. she was financially supporting him, he called me a few days after he got out of the jail. she was probably oblivious to this and thought i wasnt in the picture. august- through november 09' he would come out to see me, he lives an hour away. we messed around a cpl of times in august. kinda feel bad for her and i dont even know her. she was forking the bill and he was elsewhere.

during last nights conversation he kept getting upset when i wouldnt drop the subject after he told me she called.. so we didnt talk too much about it after. im guess right now im coming to terms with all of this, some of you had some interesting insight and its something to consider. my mind definitely went to "if he could do that to her, he could do that to me" when i thought about it some more. should i mention this is in counseling? even if he wants to drop it, this chapter isnt closed yet for me.

I wish I'd known this before my first response, this changes my view.

I'm not sold on him anymore. Not because of the jail thing, but the fact that he used her in a much more serious fashion.

It's one thing to live with someone, but to be financially dependant on them is another. Might want to consider that she knew about you before he said she did.

[h0ney]

I wish I'd known this before my first response, this changes my view.

I'm not sold on him anymore. Not because of the jail thing, but the fact that he used her in a much more serious fashion.

It's one thing to live with someone, but to be financially dependant on them is another. Might want to consider that she knew about you before he said she did.

well he said she knew he was broke and couldnt chip in but she still offered to have him stay in her apartment those 5months rent and bill free. so apparently she didnt have an issue with it. not sure what woman would want to support a guy living up in her house like that, he definitely couldnt pull that with me. so he had it made living with her. driving her car, paying for food etc, phone etc.

[pretzel]

well he said she knew he was broke and couldnt chip in but she still offered to have him stay in her apartment those 5months rent and bill free. so apparently she didnt have an issue with it. not sure what woman would want to support a guy living up in her house like that, he definitely couldnt pull that with me. so he had it made living with her. driving her car, paying for food etc, phone etc.

Safe to think that he's not living off you?

Has he talked about repaying her?