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I think my boyfriend is a crossdresser...help :(

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  • I think my boyfriend is a crossdresser...help :(

    Hello all. I am at an absolute loss here, and in dire need of the advice of others...

    My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. In the beginning, it was a very healthy relationship, both emotionally and sexually.

    I've always had serious trust issues, I've been cheated on in nearly every relationship I've been in. But this time, I was going to try my hardest to get past them.

    Unfortunately, I accidentally came across something that wavered that trust. May of last year I was borrowing my boyfriend's laptop, mindlessly checking my facebook. The autofill in the url bar came up, and I clicked automatically as per usual. I was not, however brought to the main facebook page, but instead to a photo he had bookmarked...of a cross dresser. Okay, it was strange at first, but I tried my hardest to put it out of my mind.

    More and more evidence came up, month after month, on his computer. And month after month, I was too afraid to say anything. Websites like tsseduction (transexual porn) and crossdressinggents (clothing for crossdressers) were in his searches and history more and more often. hundreds of pictures of crossdressers too. I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I still can't. and he hasn't mentioned it to me at all.

    A few weeks ago I was helping him pack up to move out on his own, over an hour away from me, but closer to a new, good job. He was at work, and I found a bag under some clothes in his drawer...a bag filled with women's dresses and size 12 heels.

    Around the same time as the clothing, I found searches for personal ads. Never for straight relationships either. Men seeking transvestites, transvestites seeking men.

    At this point in our relationship, we no longer have sex. I couldn't remember the last time we did even if I tried; it has to be months. We never kiss for more than a second, and never passionately. I don't feel like he is attracted to me anymore, which he denies when I ask.

    I can't count the number of nights I cry myself to sleep about this. Thinking about it makes me want to throw up. I am a very accepting person, and I always have been...but I don't know how much longer I can take this. Obviously he is making no effort to come to me about it, as it's been almost a year since I first found anything.

    A huge part of me just wants to walk away, to stop the hurt that I am going through. Another part of me doesn't think that would be fair, to not be supportive of him. But how much can I put up with? Would be an entirely different matter if he was upfront and honest with me? Or do I leave?

    I'm sorry I've rambled for so long. I would love any advice I can get...
    Last edited by njwoman1427; 03-30-2010, 01:40 PM.

  • Wow, no sex for months, no kissing, 1 year since you established he's a cross dresser and your worried about "it being un-fair, non-supportive of him?".

    What constitutes a loving relationship?

    .. Honesty.
    .. Love.
    .. Commitment.
    .. Intimacy.
    .. Communication.

    What do you have sweet?

    None of the above...

    Don't fear for the past that you've had with men, but re-joyce in the fact that you know what you want and deserve out of life and so you continue on your journey to find it.


    He is giving you nothing, at all... You owe him nothing back... But you owe yourself ALOT....



    • Being a cross dresser doesn't mean that he is gay, or not interested in women. If he is no longer interested in being intimate, have you asked him why?


      • Originally posted by rcoreyus View Post
        Being a cross dresser doesn't mean that he is gay, or not interested in women. If he is no longer interested in being intimate, have you asked him why?
        I do know that it doesn't mean he's gay. I have looked at this from every possible angle, and read a lot about it. Trust me, anyone could meet him and never guess it; he's pretty manly - or maybe just puts off that attitude.

        I have asked him about why we are no longer intimate, and I get some variation of "I'm too tired" or "my dad's here" (until he just moved three weeks ago, his dad has always been there and it wasn't a problem from a year ago until three months ago), etc. He makes excuses so often, I've given up trying...

        Another time I was told "it's a two way street," and I find that extremely rude because I have tried to initiate romance and sex several times, and was either stopped, pushed away, or he rolled over to sleep. I mean, can you be that tired for months?

        We now see each other a day a week, and still haven't had sex since some time in January. Sex isn't the be all end all for me, not in the least, but I feel that something has definitely changed.

        Like I stated before, I am no longer certain that he is attracted to me anymore (other than the occasional grab or peck in the cheek, I get nothing) and when I ask he just denies it. With everything I've found, this is a little disconcerting.

        I don't know. I'm at a total loss here. I would love the perspective of someone who is or has been in my position, but I don't think it's something that happens all that often...


        • I would ignore the cross-dressing, I don't think that is the real issue. The question is why he doesn't want to be intimate anymore. You will find a lot of posters here whose SO's have lost (or never had) interest in sex. Frequently it doesn't get better. If sex is important to you (and it is to most people), maybe this isn't the right person for you.


          • Realistically I would not be able to ignore the cross dressing. I think if you're hiding something from your partner that would be humiliating should they find out (either from someone else, pictures, etc) or that would be devastating to the relationship........something is wrong. The things you want to share the least, are the things you should share the most.

            My opinion is that he cares about you, as a person, as a friend. He tried to have a normal relationship with you, but deep down in him that is not what he wants. He's sneaking around, living some sort of double life because he's not yet ready to admit it. He's getting his "jollies" elsewhere whether it be from the sites, or from meeting someone in person.

            It's time to put on your running shoes and head out that door. You know it, your heart knows it. And I'm sure if he knew you knew about this stuff, he'd be asking himself "what the heck is she still doing with me??". He's living a secret life, there's no intimacy, there's clearly no trust (and rightfully so it seems)......... so what is there? Comfort? Fear of starting over?

            Put those shoes on girl. It's time.
            "Be what you're looking for."


            • I guess to me it depends on what you are hiding. If you are hiding being a serial rapist, that is a big issue. If you are hiding a minor kink that doesn't affect your normal life, I'm not so concerned. In this case cross-dressing doesn't hurt anyone, and doesn't involve other people.

              It would be nice to be able to tell ones SO everything, but a lot of people can be very narrow minded.

              That said, it sounds like there is a real problem, and the cross-dressing might be a symptom.


              • Don't be mad at him, being a cross dresser myself, it is like an addiction. When I married my wife & seen all of her clothes, shoes, makeup & nail polishes, I went crazy, I went from dressing once or twice a week to dressing every day. Then I got the urge to be seen so I started going out dressed, since going out in public, I wanted to look more feminine so I grew my hair & nails & had my eyebrows plucked to thin, high arched lines & my ears pierced. Even that was not enough for me, I wanted to have my hair cut, colored & styled in a woman's style & I started taking my wife's hormones so I could grow breasts. My wife was not very understanding in fact she was angry when she seen my eyebrows & pierced ears, she didn't know I was going out at night because I would wait for her to go to sleep. I started getting very strong urges while I was out as Joanne, to be with a man. I got the chance to have my hair done on the night before Halloween, my wife & I had a costume party to go to so I went out to a salon & had my brown hair colored blonde & I got a very feminine perm, you could not tell I was a "man". My wife was furious, she called me a sissy & threatened to leave me if I didn't start looking like a man again after this party. No one at the party knew I was a man until I spoke, my wife's girlfriends asked me if my wife made me up, & I told them no, I did this myself. I met a man at the party who started flirting with me, we went off to the laundry room where no one was at & began kissing each other. I was finally feeling like the woman I wanted to be, I gave this guy oral sex & we got caught in the process by my wife's friend, who went & told my wife. On the ride home I told my wife that I have been taking her hormones & that I wanted to be a woman & be with guys. She told me she knew I was taking her hormones & already planned to divorce me, she told me she told her family that I was becoming a woman & that I was gay. She moved out latter that week & I began dating men as Joanne & loving it.


                • njwoman1427,

                  Sometimes life is harsh. Here's my take: you're boyfriend is bisexual, which means you're in an HIV high risk group.


                  • Originally posted by rcoreyus View Post
                    Being a cross dresser doesn't mean that he is gay, or not interested in women. If he is no longer interested in being intimate, have you asked him why?
                    What would you suppose it means.

                    Do you know straight dudes who dress in women's clothes?

                    He's bi all day long and well past that.



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