[nubianqueen]

You know what, I was with this guy for 3 years who I thought was the LOVE of my LIFE (and he was, at the time)... When we broke up it was the most devastating experience, I thought I could never love again, never find someone as good as this one, etc.

If u dont mind, why was the reason for the break up? was it something that you all just couldnt resolve?? cheating? I ask because i guess i just wonder what eventually causes people to end long term relationships. i look back on the past 5+ years and wonder: at what point did i start to feel differently towards this relationship? Certain things that did not really concern me now concern the heck outta me!

[Mes T]

I guess at the end of the day I just thought that I was settling for this guy.

He expected me to build my life around HIM (move wherever HE found a job, etc) rather than around what I wanted... His entire family despised me because of my skin color (I'm white), but my boyfriend still expected me to some day happily live with them in the same house...

We were very co-dependent, I ended up losing a lot of friends and not making any new ones because I was with him 24/7. I lost my independence, my strength...

And because of all of those things, I felt like my life was going in absolutely the wrong direction. I looked at pictures of me as a little girl and realized that she did NOT deserve the life I was making for her adult self!

I felt like I was basically missing out on tons of experiences.

In the end we both cheated on each other, I to a greater degree than he did... and that was the last straw, but it was certainly not the only reason things went awry.

[nubianqueen]

I guess at the end of the day I just thought that I was settling for this guy.

.....His entire family despised me because of my skin color (I'm white), but my boyfriend still expected me to some day happily live with them in the same house...

....similar situation here, just the other way around. Actually my fam despises him b/c they feel like he cannot do anything for me (and also b/c of racial background). I wanna remain close to my family, even after marriage. i dont wanna have a fallout with them because of the person i chose to marry. When u throw that into the mix of everything else that I wonder about, I get so confused!!!

[nubianqueen]

You hang off each other's words
You finish each other's sentences
umm....i honestly dont really remember that happening...maybe it did, but it so rarely happens, I just dont remember
You laugh and "get" each other's jokes
yes
You can't wait to see him
most of the time. i've just gotten to that point that i dont really care because of things that have happened fairly recently.
You totally trust him and communicate everything without problems
Yes i totally trust him; cannot communicate everything without problems though
You do things together
We try to whenever possible
You have the same core values
yes
You have the same dreams
yes
You don't have to ask for help it's given,
if i ever needed it, no doubt that he would
He walks behind you and touches your shoulder without a reason
every once in a while, yeah
He text messages you just to say he loves you or misses you
no, not really....i'm the one that will usually do that. he'll respond back though
You feel this feeling in the pit of your stomach when he's around
when u say that, do u mean like butterflies?? if so, i do every once in a while... just hasnt happened lately though
You love him for everything he stands for, how he thinks
yes


You have to get at least 3/4 of those Or else, you've settled

.....Hmmmmmm......

[CHANDLERS WISH]

what do u do when ur bf comes to u and tells u he's not sure if ur relationship will last b/c he's not where he wants to be in life?? then when u do get honest with him saying that u dont wanna have to wait another 10 years for him to get to that point, he blows up at u, saying ur selfish, spoiled, etc etc, etc...? I told him that yes i dont wanna wait forever for u to get to that point (b/c somehow i feel like i am cheating myself if i do) but at the same time, i dont wanna get married knowing having a lot of uncertainty about the future. he continues to say hurtful things like how i supposedly dont think to highly of him

You totally trust him and communicate everything without problems
Yes i totally trust him; cannot communicate everything without problems though

You are both from different cultures, but he goes out of his way to eat your foods and be around your culture and he is only "now" spending more time coming around to your parents place.

In the past, something happened before him, he and you have the same core values, so that "thing", he needs to let go of, my experience if morals are involved, they don't won't.

Doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

His parents background you don't quite like, and you have a fear of this, pertaining to when you have children.

He however, works his butt off "in your words" and is heading for a good future..

But, your parents don't like him "his culture/or background" and are in your ear over and over and over in this regard, therefore, in your heart as you don't want to lose them as family.. But, remember, he is "now" starting to come over there more.

I think that all of this is waying on your mind, and his "your selfish" is that he knows that you take sides, theirs against your beliefs, core values of "him" dreams "with him" favouring their words

Mix this with your fear of your children being around his parents "who are nice", so many doubts are happening in your mind.

We don't chose our parents.
We don't chose our partners parents.
We do listen to our parents "but" we go with gut feeling, it's our life, not theirs they made their choice, you have a right to make yours.
How you bring your children up, is how they will turn out, nothing to do with grandparents they see them on occasions, not 24/7 and you can guide your children as to the areas that you perhaps don't agree with.
If you love this man, you have to tell your parents to give him a go, you have to tell your parents, he is not spounging of off you and how hard he works and set them at ease, and that ultimately it will be your decision so you want their blessing to allow you as you have, to enjoy this relationship and if they love you, to learn to love him because if it does venture to marriage, this is whom you have chosen.

Don't allow parents to influence your decision with relationships, your not a child anymore, it has to be what you want.. or else, if you leave based on what you answered above, then you may be making a mistake...

You do have communication problems, you do personally worry alot of things, and I sense that he senses that he isn't your world, your rock, because he knows your fears and that you listen to your parents.. Or else, he would have been around them alot more over those 5 years, not just now.

When he says he doesn't know what he wants in life? I'm now thinking he's saying he wants a wife that idolises him as he does her, that doesn't let people influence, rather stands by him and up for him, for who he is..

You do, inside.. Now you have to show the world outside, I think there would be a huge difference in your relationship personally if you could see that.

I've re-read every thread you wrote, and this is what I can see...

CW

[nubianqueen]

If you love this man, you have to tell your parents to give him a go, you have to tell your parents, he is not spounging of off you and how hard he works and set them at ease...

... if you leave based on what you answered above, then you may be making a mistake...

hmmmm.....this is all very true....i feel like i have been doing that for the past however long, repeatedly.....but to no avail.....honestly, i've been pondering this theory deep down inside......now that someone else has said it, i really have to re-think some things....

[nubianqueen]

I have tried to express to him that i've realized what the problem is and why we continue to clash time and time again. and now that I have told him what the underlying issue is, I am ready to try to go forward with the relationship. Now there is another problem: he doesnt seem to care to go forward anymore. I hate this tug of war type thing we have going on here....once he says we can go forward, i'm still (or was) holding onto what ever it is i am feeling due to the fear of getting into another big argument. Now that I have communicated to him everything that was of concern to me, he has pulled away. Do you guys think that there is a way to re-kindle what we once had before or (based on ur experiences), could this be the beginning of the end????

[BellaGal]

I don't have much to add ... my husband and I took a break when we were first dating (okay, it started out as me being his booty call but his only booty call, which when I realized it I tore a strip out of him) then we were able to communicate very well about what I wanted and what I wasn't going to put up with anymore and he realized that it was what he wanted to - and we got back together and have been together for 8 years now.

I loved CW's list, and I can say yes to most of them. I am NOT good at communicating, which causes a lot of the problems I have in our relationship. Communication is a massively huge issue in relationships. My husband is my best friend. I just need more self-confidence ...

So what I'm getting at is that the 'break up' worked for us. It was his idea but I refused to let him go without a fight.