[spudbrooks]

Hi there. I'm posting for the first time and just need to vent (sorry about the length) because i'm going through a tough time and wonder if anyone else has been here.

I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years (1st relationship for both of us) and in the past 6 months have taken the next step and bought a house. We've lived together, travelled long-term overseas together, discussed having children together (neither of us feels the need to get married) and have been very happy and (i think) the envy of some of our friends. Only 8 months ago while he was overseas he emailed me and said that we are perfect together, that he couldn't wait to start this next step in our life together etc etc and until recently we had been quite demonstrative with our love.

Then in the past 6-8 weeks my whole world has turned upside down. He has suffered a bit of depression about himself in the past (e.g. wasting talent, finding the right job etc etc) and I noticed he had been down for a week or so. When we talked about it, he said the same things again. Further discussion over the next couple of days revealed that in addition to his own feelings about himself, he also felt the spark had gone in our relationship and that in the past couple of weeks he had developed feelings for a mutual friend of ours. Obviously this was really upsetting, but so out of the blue that I was really supportive and thought we could work through things. I thought the depression might have something to do with it or perhaps being scared at the responsbilities that have come with buying a house and the fact that maybe he sees his 'youth' as being over (we are 27)

Things didn't really improve and even though he was really open and honest and we continually discussed how we were feeling, we decided that we couldn't really think objectively about each other and our relationship while we were living together so we planned to go on a break when I returned from a business trip. He thought that meant we were on a break and while visiting family, met up with the girl in question and slept with her. Again he was totally honest and upfront about it, also expressing his disgust about it too. Again, this just doesn't make any sense to me about how things can change so quickly and I am willing to work on it because of that and because I don't think you can let an wonderful 8 year relationship end in 6 weeks of turmoil. SInce then he hasn't had any contact with her and has told her not to contact him and I 100% believe him.

So at the moment, we are on a break to think about ourselves and where we want to head from there. I am just so lost. I can't focus on anything else. I burst into tears thinking that it may be over and am trying to prepare myself for that but the thought scares the out of me. I can't imagine what life would be like without him - he's my best friend. What makes it worse is when we do see each other, i just feel so happy but then sad, and we are both still hug and comfort each other when we are upset. This helps at the time but is just making it all the more confusing for me.

Has anyone been here that can offer some advice about how to cope with this or just some feedback? I've never been in this position before and just don't feel like I am coping with it well.

Thanks

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He is at a loss.

He can't find his way, this has nothing to do with you and I commend him for talking to you about it, telling you, and how he felt about it... and you, for the way in which your reacting to it.

When your depressed, you are no one.

Your life as you knew it has gone.

You don't believe in yourself so how can you believe in what you have?

You try all sorts of things to make yourself happy and understand.

You think the grass is greener on the other side, maybe it's the relationship only to establish it's not.

Your down....

When someone is down, you can only lift them up, believe in them, tell them you do, it's a hurdle, for dear lord how many do we actually have to jump in life? Lots, and how many of us can do that? Not many...

But with the strength of someone behind us that believes in us, and tell us, and compliments us, in all we are, all we do and it doesn't matter, we see.

It is not the end..

It's just a hurdle you must jump with him and be there with all your might, and find the solution to his problem, whilst telling him it's not a problem because he is talented, smart, and you love him and together you will make this all work...

Find the solution.

CW

[Ashlee T.]

Seems to me that he is at a point in his life where he is questioning everything. "Why am I not in the job I want", "Why am I wasting my talent?", "Why am I having feelings for this other person if I'm truly in love with my girl?". He has been with you for his entire adult life. I think in any relationship like that at some point you question it because as an adult you've never known it any other way.

In any relationship, there comes a point when you are put to the test. His strength is being tested right now, and although I admire him greatly for being open with you.....his strength is in my opinion failing. Why? Because he's going through a rough time, a confusing time, and instead of sitting back and trying to work through it with you, he went out and slept with someone else. A mutual friend at that. That is 8 years of your life right there. And he has a weak time in his life, and he sleeps with another woman. To me, he sounds like a person who cares a lot about you.......but I'm not sure if I were you I wouldn't need someone with a bit more strength and loyalty. And you must ask yourself, if the situation were reversed, and you were suffering through a hard time in your life, questioning your every decision.....would he be understanding if you slept with someone else, much less a mutual friend?

He is at this point in his life, scared of having to really grow up, maybe scared of the fact that he's been with one woman for so long and wanting to test the waters a bit....... and it has NOTHING to do with you. I'd say without a doubt he cares deeply for you...but if he needs his time to "sow his wild oats", he needs to do that.......and you have to make sure if that's what he wants he leaves you out of it.

I'm guessing he has one foot in the door and one foot out. Part of him wants freedom to find himself......and part of him doesn't want to lose you. But remember, he can't have his cake and eat it too. And nows the time for you to focus on YOU, not his depression, not his problems, etc. What about YOU??

[kygirl]

I agree with BD...maybe it's a moment of weakness, maybe it's depression, but regardless, he needs to be honest with you about what he wants and you all either need to work through it together or move no alone. 8 years is a long time, but you don't want to spend another 8 years with him if it's not for the best.

Like BD said, you need to make sure you are also focusing on yourself. What you want, how you want to handle this, how you feel...

Good luck