[BasketCase]

Im new to the site. I came across it googleing relationship advice. So I hope I can get some advice from real women who have experienced the same things I am going through. So I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half. He recently lost his job (we worked at the same place it's where we meet). So now that he is unemployed things are vastly different. His sex drive had decreased rapidly. He seems less interested in everything. This sudden change in his personality has caused me to go off the deep end. I am constantly paranoid about what he's doing and who he's talking to when I am at work. Im freaking out because were having sex less. I over think everything he does and says. Don't get me wrong he hasn't done anything to indicate that he might be cheating but it's all I think about. What's wrong with me. I am afraid I am pushing him away. And how do I get our sex life back without calling him out on it. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you

[Ashlee T.]

Welcome!! Glad you're here. You will get lots of good advice here.

If he hadn't lost his job and the sex stopped....I can see where you'd be concerned. But he's going through a really rough time. Coming from someone who has been laid off (permanently due to economy) I can tell you that it is a horrible feeling. For those of us that calculate part of our self worth on our ability to take care of ourselves, to "bring home the bacon", it is VERY difficult on the ego to suddenly be jobless. And especially in such tough times when finding a job is very difficult.

Hopefully not sounding harsh, but I believe you're allowing your own insecurities to overcome your supportiveness of his situation. He's lost his job, he's struggling with that emotionally (which is also affecting him sexually), and you have somehow made it about you. If truly things were great before he lost his job, and you believe this is strictly a result of the job loss.....then step back, put your insecurities aside, and truly be there for HIM. Be understanding, supportive, encouraging. Don't add to his current state of pressure and inadequacy by freaking out about the fact that some things have changed right now. Times get tough sometimes, and this is a test of your relationship. Can you put yourself aside and be there for him during his tough time??

[sourpuss]

Im new to the site. I came across it googleing relationship advice. So I hope I can get some advice from real women who have experienced the same things I am going through. So I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half. He recently lost his job (we worked at the same place it's where we meet). So now that he is unemployed things are vastly different. His sex drive had decreased rapidly. He seems less interested in everything. This sudden change in his personality has caused me to go off the deep end. I am constantly paranoid about what he's doing and who he's talking to when I am at work. Im freaking out because were having sex less. I over think everything he does and says. Don't get me wrong he hasn't done anything to indicate that he might be cheating but it's all I think about. What's wrong with me. I am afraid I am pushing him away. And how do I get our sex life back without calling him out on it. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you

Wow! I'm in almost the exact same situation. One thing I can say, is that men don't deal well with being unemployed. When they aren't busy and they aren't providing everything seems to snowball in a downward spiral. With the economy being what it is, I think a lot more people are going to be having these same problems. It's really too bad.

He's probably feeling down because he's feeling useless and you're working. I'm sure it's hard on his ego. From my experience, once a guy gets down in the dumps, the sex drive is the first thing to go. It's not about you and it's not personal, but believe me, I know that's how it feels.

I wish I had some advice for you. Is there things around the house that you can have him do? Can you leave a little list of stuff that needs fixing and ask him to help you? Men really need to feel needed by women. I think it's just human nature. Maybe if he had some manly-type projects he'd at least feel like he was contributing and being useful to you.

[Hopeless Dork]

If he's spending time at home alone, depressed... theres a good chance he might be masturbating to take the edge off his depression and out of boredom. That may be one of the reasons his desire for actual sex has dropped off.

On top of that, feelings of not being like a 'man' since he isn't working has likely made him feel insecure sexually. And that too could be whats keeping him from being interested in intimacy as much as before.

Try being patient and understanding, but also its important to communicate to him what his distance is making you feel like. He might be so depressed that he's thinking he is doing you a favor not making you have sex with him... when instead what he is doing by not having sex with you is causing you to feel insecure and unsexy , undesirable etc.

Talk without accusations, just feelings, just yours, and ask him about his. Its the only way for you guys to reach an understanding.

[BasketCase]

Beautiful Disaster. No you are not being harsh. I understand that my actions are unjustified. That's why I needed the advice. I don't like feeling this way. I am usually very upbeat and understanding. I guess the money situation and the stress off it all was getting to me and then the sex thing was icing on the cake. Thanks for the advice I truly do appreciate it. My self confidence is an issue that I am trying to work on. I understand it's not doing us any favors.

Sour Puss. It is nice to get advice from someone dealing with the same situations. Acually I have a really bad dog. He likes to pee on the floor and establish dominance over the other animals. And I told my BF to work on him and attempt to train him(since I am too soft on the dog and usually let him get away with everything). Believe it or now it's working. He has something to devote himself to and he gets the feeling that he's helping me out. I think I will have him fix the spare bathroom next lol. Thanks

HopelessDork. Ha ha I hope he's not and I never thought about that as a possibility but it could be it. I noticed that everyday when I get home the history on the computer has been cleared. Well of course that didn't help the paranoia at all. I assumed he was on a dating site or something of the sort. But he could have been looking at X-Rated things lol. I would certiainly rather that be the case. BC I think I could be ok with him looking at porn while i'm not here. I'm the overly jealous type so I wouldn't want to watch it with him. I would be affraid he thought the girl in the video was prettier than me(see im nuts). But I could be ok with it if he didn't tell me about it. Not that I don't want him to be honest with me. It's just something I would be happier ignoring. As long as he saves some for me a few times a week(**)

The thing is everyone tells me that sex and passion fizzle out after a while. And that scares me. I don't want it to fizzzle out. I want us to be happy and crazy in love forever. (it sounds sappy but I love to cuddle and steal kisses and all that gooey stuff)

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Perhaps, he's developed the "laziness" with everything, he may even be depressed, no money, nothing much to do... His life may not be as it was and therefore, he may not be the same person, just at this moment.

Is he actively looking for work? Encourage him on that note, stand by him and be positive about it all.. So that he feels the need, and wants to get out there and find something, without thinking he "has" to but "wants" to..

CW

[BasketCase]

I think I am over reacting a bit.
I just read a post by Aqemini1977 called Avg sex per month. And I guess we are pretty normal if not a bit above average. 3-5 times a week (5 if im lucky) is a lot more than some of the girls posted. I guess when you go from everyday to 3-5 days it seems like a lot less. I still don't like it but I can deal. And we talked about it and were both trying. I really do appreciate all the replies though.