[MyForever]

Story goes as follows:

I'm a social butterfly. A young but sheltered rape victim. I grew up in a small town not even thinking twice about open relationships until I met My Forever.

He grew up in the hood with a hard life from the get go. But he is absolutely amazing in every way possible. He too was abused.

I've seen a therapist for years, he would never even consider it.

When we met, he had always had opened relationships, and while he told me he "loved" his now ex of years and years, he said he'd never been in love. Until he met me. He told me he's in love with me, i'm the only girl he could ever see himself marrying, and that I am without a doubt, his forever.

We dated briefly a few years ago shortly after my abuse, and almost the day of his break up with this girl. We were meant to be friends, but of course you can never help who you fall for... We dated for a few months and split up. So here we are, two years later and he tells me he wants to be with me, i'm his forever, etc. But he still wants an open relationship, and i've still never even considered it an option because I don't think i've ever cared about anyone else enough to do so. With anyone else, i'd just leave. But if this is what he wants and is what's going to make him happy, then perhaps if I could manage my jealousy, it wouldn't be so bad? I have no desire to see other people, is that a problem? And my biggest question is this... While I know we will have to sit and discuss boundaries, rules, etc. If he wants more than just sex from other girls, is it possible for him to love me as much as he says he does, and what are common reasons why people do this sort of arrangement? I'm definately open to the idea, I just want to do my research first and make sure I don't get into something that may not only ruin our forever plans, but make me lose him all together...

Any and all help/advice/opinions are greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

[LanaBear]

If both partners are not open to an open relationship, I think there will be problems. If he wants one and you don't have any desire to see anyone else, honestly, I don't see how this will work. It's a really tough situation, I feel for you.

Can you manage your jealousy? Knowing he is out with other women, all the while, you are waiting for him to come home to you...

There are people with open relationships on this forum, hopefully someone will respond, but, I still say, if it is a one sided, open relationship, I think you will end up with a broken heart.

Good luck and welcome to the forum!

[grrrr]

Man, this is a tough one. I'm a victim of rape. God bless you for getting though it.

"Open relationships" are hard. You seem to think that it could work, however, you have reservations about it. Jealousy is so totally part of all of it.... But there's also an "emotional connection" that goes with any relationship. Can you really be 'emotionally" connected to someone who is "connecting" to someone else?

That's one of those gray areas....

[MyForever]

Thank you both for responding. Getting through what happened has been the toughest journey of my life, so I feel for you and im so sorry you had to experience it.

As far as the situation goes. This is my best friend in the entire world. He is my love, my other half, and I genuinely can't picture my life without him. I think that is why i'm searching for ways to make it work. After a few years with his ex, he was the one who wanted to monogomous, so... I'm not sure, I just need everyones help so keep it coming. Thanks so much!!!

[secretissecret]

Well, as someone who was in an open relationship mostly for my boyfriend's benefit (because I was the same, I didn't care to see or sleep with anyone else), maybe I can help to explain things that could help you do this successfully.

1) You will need to be very self-assured and confident, about both yourself and your relationship. Sometimes it sucks knowing your guy is going off to sleep with another woman, and it can be very easy to get down on yourself and feel threatened. Alternatively, it's good to make it known to your guy that reassurance that you are his love will help you overcome the jealousy aspects that are bound to pop up on occasion. Balance is key.

2) Set boundaries you would be comfortable with. Some of my rules were that it was open for 'just sex', that I wanted him to wear a condom with other women, and that he was open and honest about telling me who he slept with. Some people prefer NOT to know so they can cope better, so if that would work for you, do it that way. Really sit down, imagine various scenarios where you would and would not be comfortable, and don't be afraid to set those boundaries. See if he has any boundaries he'd like as well.

3) Remember to trust. Sometimes our fears are so strong that some people just can't manage an open relationship. If you know your guy loves you and you are the one he'll always come home to, remember that. Trust what he says, because it's letting the insecurities and fears control the situation that breaks down open relationships fast.

4) Communication. Be really open about how you feel in terms of the open relationship. If your feelings change, don't bottle them up just so he'll be happier, because if he loves you, he won't want you to be unhappy either. If it gets to that point, re-evaluate the open relationship and the boundaries. Remember, relationships are very fluid!

5) For me sex is never 'just sex'. I make emotional connections. But not everyone does this. Some people can have sex without the intense emotional connection found in relationships. Remember that some people are wired differently. So sometimes, sex IS just sex to the people who can separate sex and their deeper feelings.

I hope that helped.

[Hopeless Dork]

Given your history of abuse, given that I have a similiar one... I wonder if your self esteem is as it should be. I know mine isn't.

You love this man... but you have to know what you're worth. If you want to be the only one he's with but can't have that. If you can only have a peice of him if you are willing to share the rest of him.... you have to ask yourself if you are having to love yourself less in order obtain his love.


There is nothing wrong with 2 people in a relationship that BOTH organically have a desire to see other people, that somehow manage to not get jealous, and are totally happy sharing each other.

But when one person has to give part of a dream (to be loved exclusively) in order to facilitate someone elses dream (to be loved by someone special while being able to have sex with whoever they want openly) it would be hard to imagine that leading to happiness unless the person giving up their dream resigns themself to a life they didn't ever hope for ... but will settle for.

Don't lose yourself and what you want to hold on to something that isn't going to be yours, at least not... all yours.

Keep in mind that you deserve to be loved in all the ways that you have always wanted. Because if he can't love you like that... theres a thousand other men that would.

[Yvee]

Honestly, No offense, but I believe that if you indeed were his "forever" then he would find no pleasure in being with other women and he will not WANT to be with other women. If I were in your position, I would rethink the whole "forever" scenario.
If he says he wants to be with you now, but he still can't lay off other women, what makes you think that he will ever change? Would you really want a husband who will not be faithful to you?

Again if I were put into your position, I would tell him to come back when he is ready to be with me and only me. If its meant to be then one day he'll come around, if not then he will not. The most important part is not to put your life on hold and sit there waiting for him