[hopeless_romantic]

I will try to make this as short as possible. I met a guy a year ago, and I realized I really liked him right away. He told me he had just started seeing someone, and it wasn't serious. So we started talking, mostly online, almost everyday. We started to develop feelings for one another, but at the same time he was still seeing this other woman. One day he came back from a weekend with her and said we needed to be done, that things with them got more serious.

Of course, this wasn't the end of the story. We continued to talk, and get to know each other better. We were never physical until almost 8 months into talking to each other. We had a first kiss in November, then after that he got distant again. He ended up telling me he only had time for a 'casual friendship,' which I knew meant friends with benefits. I didn't speak to him for two months after that.....but, eventually I caved and went to see him, and we started talking again. He really missed me, and said he didn't want that to happen again, where I wasn't in his life.

In the past couple of months, we have gotten closer, intimately, but have not had sex. I have slept over at his place a couple times, but we just lay with each other, which is wonderful.

The problem is, he is still seeing this other woman. Now some important information: I am 29, he is 42. His girlfriend is 45, with kids. He does not have kids, but still is not sure if he wants children. This is part of his dilemma. He is still not ready to say he isn't going to have kids. Also, his girlfriend has had a few surgeries in the past year, and he has been her savior, her nurse, taking care of her, etc. She is ready to get married to this guy, he is not on the same page at all. I have no doubt that he cares about her, and loves her, but I feel like he is 'in love' with me, and not her. But right now he is still taking care of her, and in turn she is helping him out financially at times. Yes, I know, I am justifying. lol.

It is a complicated situation...not just black and white. He has known us for about the same amount of time, but he met her first, and got serious with her first. They are closer in age, she has kids, they are both divorced...but then there is a strong connection with us, not just sexual/physical, because we don't just fool around with one another. I know he struggles with what to do, which path to take in life, because both will take him in completely different directions.

At the same time, I am getting the crappy end of this deal, and I have known this the whole time. But then when I am with him, I forget all of that, and I am just so happy to be with him. But then when I am not with him for a few days, and I know he is with her, it hurts, extremely bad. I get angry, I get depressed, and it's just a cycle. And then when I talk to him and we get together it's all good again. I know I deserve more, and deserve better. I never thought I would be in this type of situation, and I don't like thinking of myself as the 'on the side' girlfriend. I don't even know what I am to him. I know he cares deeply about me, but at the same time, if he did care, and did want me so much, then why isn't he just with me?

I am not sure what to do anymore, or how to walk away from him. He says he misses me all the time, and thinks about me, even when he is with her. He sends me emails when he is with her....but then I think, why do I love this guy who is cheating on his girlfriend, and telling me he misses me while he is with her? Is this really the type of guy I want? Of course not, but I do care about him, and love him, and I don't want to walk away.

Is it possible that he really is in love with me, and cares about me like he tells me? Or is just just keeping me hanging on? I don't think I'm strong enough to walk away, or to tell him off.
Has anyone else ever gone through this?
Thanks!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

hopeless romantic, says it all

Welcome to the Forum.

Has he ever "tried" to get you to have sex with him? And, curious as to why you haven't, your reasons...

At this stage, in his mind, he's doing nothing wrong... He has your heart he has her heart and he has her finances.

He could for sure, be feeling that 1) you wouldn't stay as your way younger than him and you'll leave him in a few years for someone your age, 2) he could have bonded with the children, whilst he doesn't want any of his own, he claims them as his and loves them. 3) He's bonded with her, been there for her through all her troubles and has a deep connection.

Missing you? He loves knowing that you love him... what man doesn't?

I am sure he has feelings for you, seeing as it seems that he hasn't slept with you but has slept next to you, holding you...

But, you know the story, they can't have it both ways...

You walked at one stage and he didn't get in touch with you, you did with him.

People do bond.. But, what worries me is that he said all he can have is a casual relationship... you knew what that mean't and didn't give it/ in..

Maybe, because you hope he will leave and it's your draw card.

But, having written on another thread where I can see a bond... Here, I see someone who has no intentions of leaving, but enjoys what he has and does have feelings for you, but won't be leaving anytime soon.

And, as I wrote on that thread, " if you love someone let them go, if they come back they're yours if they don't they never were".

You have nothing to lose by leaving. If he really loves you, and not her, and it's not the finances that is making him stay, selfish, then he will leave her, and come to you.

You have more to lose by staying because he has no reason to choose.

He's not married, but he entered that relationship the same time as he met you.

He has told you after a vacation that it's over... which means he bonded very close with her... He is also safer in his eyes with her, she's grounded, has children is his age...

You as I said, in his eyes, may walk 1 year down the track, 5 years down the track, due to your age and the way in which you will change as you get older...

She, is settled. Content with her life.. And safe.

You owe it to yourself, to have more than you have got and I'm pleased that you haven't slept with him.

What does your mind say?

Your only listening to your heart.

CW

[hopeless_romantic]

Hi CW,

Thanks for replying....we have actually "tried" to have sex a couple times, and each time he lost his erection as we were about to. He had told me awhile back that he may have severe performance anxiety with me, because he finds me so beautiful (his words). I know there are other factors as well contributing to his anxiety. Probably guilt, worry about me getting pregnant, making me happy, etc. He tells me that it's because he cares about me so much and doesn't want to hurt me, and wants to make me happy.

But truth be told, I am relieved that we haven't had sex, because I don't take sex lightly, and I still am not sure how he feels about me, and what he is going to end up doing. I definitely do NOT want to have sex, and then weeks later have him tell me that he is staying with her, or something like that. That would destroy me. So....we have not yet, and I am not sure if we will any time soon?

The one thing I am sure of, though, is that he does have feelings for me. Like you said, he enjoys holding me more than doing anything else. He goes on and on about how good it feels to lay with me, etc. I know he really does care about me....but at the same time, look what he is doing to me.

He does make comments sometimes about her, and how she annoys him at time, things like that....and I'm not sure if they are the truth, or just him saying what he thinks I want to hear. I am still guarded with him, because I have to be, and I am still not 100% sure what he is feeling. He is very wishy-washy, and he himself has said this. He knows that's a problem.

I do agree with something you said, more than anything--she is safe. I have thought this many times. She is settled, he knows she is crazy about him, she is his age, she wants to get married already, she isn't going anywhere, etc. Me on the other hand, am more of a risk, a chance, and if things don't work out with us, he will lose both relationships. Such a bad situation. I am getting to the point where I don't want to do it anymore.....getting sick of it.

My mind is telling me to run away, but of course my heart is saying something completely different.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Yes, I know.

We form a bond. And, that bond is hard to break, because "once upon a time, there was this princess and a knight" and so we live in hope

But, that's a long journey and if we took off the glasses, we'd see nothing has changed, there are no steps forward.. it is what it is..

It's then that you have to make that management decision and acknowledge that you actually will feel this again, with someone else, if only you allowed yourself to let go and let that happen.

If, each day, each week, things got closer and closer, that's a different story then your hope may become reality, but when it remains in the exact same place, you know in your heart, the reality...

So there, I say it's not your mind, it's actually your heart, just search deeper and re-wind the picture and watch it and note the "non changes" ...

CW

[caterpillar79]

You owe it to yourself, OP. He has not much to lose, unlike you, you have so much. If you limit your time unto him who is from the very beginning telling you that he is only in for a casual relationship.

He is way older than you and honestly, his failure to stay erect will be there even if there is no performance anxiety on his part. It is plain pathological that at his age, there is a huge possibility that that is already an existing problem, hence there is a probable concern on his part that you would soon wake up and find yourself a better mate, as well as other unnamed factors.

If you move on now, it will hurt but you will heal. Before you know it, you will find a better man your age who is going to cherish you and commit to you. It happened to me, and I was your age as well when I got involved with a 42 y.o. man.

Look after yourself first. Tell your heart that this time, your mind is going to be in charge, for it is the better choice - unless things change (him realizing that he loves you more, leaves her and commits to you). But even if that is the case, would you be able to sleep peacefully when you knew what he has been doing with you whilst he was with her?

I don't know about you, but I have been there and I don't like it. It gave me a lot of trust issues that until now I am facing head on. It scarred my self-esteem and being. I was invested, too late for me, I had to nurse my shattered heart. You, you are just right at the doorstep, almost in, but you can still get out. Get out of there now and find a better life with a man who would give you what you deserve.