[Carebear2010]

I'm really sorry you had this experience but you have to be able to own your responsibility and actions to ensure you don't get into a similar situation again.

Let me see if I have this straight;
you went willingly, alone with this guy
he is engaged to your freind
you are engaged to another man
he told you take off your clothes and you did
you agreed to sex with him - knowing that both of you are engaged to others
when it hurt and you told him it hurt - he didn't stop

No doubt he was out of line.

I don't think whether you've been assaulted is the really big question.
Do you have an open relationship?
If not, why on earth did you put yourself in this posistion? Are you in the habit of doing what ever a man tells you to? I'm not understanding why you engaged in behavior that led to intercourse. You took your clothes off. You agreed to intercourse. Why?

It sounds like you aren't very sexually experienced and have trouble with boundaries. How are you at telling freinds no for something? Are you often imposed upon to do things you don't really want to or have time for? This is something that can negatively affect every aspect of your life and you need to deal with it. Why were you so aquiecent? I don't want to lessen what he did - it was wrong but so was what you did. You can't rely on others always doing what is right, you can't be passive about what you do or don't do. Not making a choice, is a choice. Not clearly setting boundries for yourself allows others to set them.

If you wanted to have sex with this man and actively pursued that end and then he over stepped and hurt you, that is one thing. It sounds more like you went into some sort of passive, do whatever you are told mode and that is scary. You need to take a good look at what is going on that you would do this. If you don't correct this you are going to find yourself in similar situations again, if not sexual, then financial, employment, abuse and every other part of life. A good counselor could be a great help with this.
Consider this situation a wake up call?

I'm not engaged. My friend is to my best friend. I'm 100% single at the moment. I have a habit of going along with what guys that I like want me to do. The same with friends that I hang out with. I tried telling him that I didn't want to do it. He pressured me. Then I've tried telling him to stop when he was causing me pain and he wouldn't right away. He crossed the line by taking advantage of my passive personality. I shouldn't of gone over there alone in the first place.

[WildChild]

I'm not engaged. My friend is to my best friend. I'm 100% single at the moment. I have a habit of going along with what guys that I like want me to do. The same with friends that I hang out with. I tried telling him that I didn't want to do it. He pressured me. Then I've tried telling him to stop when he was causing me pain and he wouldn't right away. He crossed the line by taking advantage of my passive personality. I shouldn't of gone over there alone in the first place.

Sorry, I saw a response that was made to you and thought you were engaged.
The point remains the same, you must set your own boundires and enforce them. You cannot rely on others to establish or enforce boundreis for you. You just don't get naked with someone you don't intend to have sex with. In a perfect world we could all wear or not wear whatever pleased us, but in this world when some man tells you to take your clothes off and you do it, sex will be the assumption.

Obviously this guy is a jerk. He is unfaithful and a manipulative user. He didn't cross the line (at least not your line) by taking advantage of your passive personality. He crossed the line when he didn't stop after you told him to. You can't abdicate responsiblity for yourself on the grounds that you are too passive to act in your own bext interests. If you really were trained to be this passive as you grew up, then as an adult you need to actively work at learning to set your own boundries and have them respected. If you don't you will be taken advantage over and over again in every area of your life. This is a life skill you must learn for your own safety and well being.

Be prepared, when if and when you tell his fiancee, he will either call you a liar or make it out to be your doing somehow.

[Ashlee T.]

Guys a jerk, friend deserves to know so she doesn't make the biggest mistake of her life and marry him. Not because he's a "rapist" (because I don't think he is), because he's a CHEATER.

On the other note, I don't agree that it was sexual assault. He SHOULD have stopped when you said stop, but you said yourself you're passive and like to go along with what "guys you like" ask you to do. The "I have a habit of going along with what guys I like want me to do"definitely stood out to me. So you like (or liked) him in that way, went over to his house alone, took off your clothes, let him penetrate you, then when it hurt you told him to stop and he didn't stop "right away". So no....not sexual assault in my book. In my book, you wanted him, you got him, didn't enjoy it, didn't get any satisfaction from it, feel guilty (as well you should) and now feel taken advantage of.

He crossed the line by taking advantage of my passive personality

Lots of people in this world are passive. If you consider yourself a pushover, you can't blame others for expecting you to be an adult, making your own decisions, not later to blame them for a consensual decision you made. Being passive doesn't make you any less capable to make responsible adult decisions.

I shouldn't of gone over there alone in the first place.

What were you going over there for?

[Carebear2010]

Guys a jerk, friend deserves to know so she doesn't make the biggest mistake of her life and marry him. Not because he's a "rapist" (because I don't think he is), because he's a CHEATER.

On the other note, I don't agree that it was sexual assault. He SHOULD have stopped when you said stop, but you said yourself you're passive and like to go along with what "guys you like" ask you to do. The "I have a habit of going along with what guys I like want me to do"definitely stood out to me. So you like (or liked) him in that way, went over to his house alone, took off your clothes, let him penetrate you, then when it hurt you told him to stop and he didn't stop "right away". So no....not sexual assault in my book. In my book, you wanted him, you got him, didn't enjoy it, didn't get any satisfaction from it, feel guilty (as well you should) and now feel taken advantage of.

Lots of people in this world are passive. If you consider yourself a pushover, you can't blame others for expecting you to be an adult, making your own decisions, not later to blame them for a consensual decision you made. Being passive doesn't make you any less capable to make responsible adult decisions.

What were you going over there for?

I honestly didn't think he would do something like that. I thought we were just going to talk about stuff. No, I don't think of him as a rapist. He took advantage of me knowing I'm passive and go along with whatever he told me to do. If the word ever got out I don't know what I would do.

[Ashlee T.]

So now the question is, how good of a friend is this girl in your eyes? And do you stand by and watch her make a life long commitment to a man you KNOW has, and will continue to cheat on her?

Do you redeem yourself as someone who loves her and is her friend? Or do you protect your good name by sitting back and watching her make the biggest mistake of her life?

He took advantage of me knowing I'm passive and go along with whatever he told me to do.

And when do you, as an adult, decide that you will not continue to do things just because a guy wants you to.

[stressed]

My father once told me, when I was a teenager, that if I won't learn to say "no" to people I will end up getting raped. He meant it in the wider sense of the word, as well as the literal one. If I would have listened to it more I wouldn't have been assaulted.

But the thing is, what happened to you must be a life-changing event. You cannot be passive with people, let alone men. You cannot let them use you and you should not follow them to whatever they lead you to. You have to have an opinion of your own, your boundaries, your ethics, your own plans. Otherwise you will not be living your own life, but the life set to you by others.

You are not allowed to be taken advantage of at 30. You are supposed to be able to stand up for yourself, to make your own choices, whether others agree with them or not. You do not need people to agree with you, you do not need to be liked by everyone, you make your own choices.

Start saying "no" to people. Do what YOU want. Make your own future. Decide by yourself what you are going to do and make the choice YOU think is best for yourself. Learn to be selfish at times. Protect yourself from getting involved into such situations. Be happy with who you are and don't expect everyone to like you for it. Because it does not matter.

Learn from your mistake and deal with this with the strength you know you have, but choose to hide.

[pittsburgh44]

I've been told many times to stop because i've either went to deep or because it hurt. I'm larger than a few (9"), i've been told so anyway... So it seems like i've heard that a lot, and every time even if i pulled out, i was told, "i didn't mean completely stop, just take it easy".

If you were there for 1.5 hours and you just said "stop", after you willingly got naked and had sex with him.... Sex is an act that should be performed by 2 people, mature people, and maturity brings with it the ability to decide for yourself. This can't be answered by other people on here, it can only be answered by you. But really, if you wanted it to stop, then you should have made it stop! It's so easy for females to say "i said no", it's too often that a female is able to use the fact of being a female as an excuse to not be direct and be submissive!

Those last few comments were a generalization of the situation, not yours, I don't know you or the guy and wasn't there so nobody but you 2 were...so really, you are the only one that can answer that... NOT some other member on here that reads a line that says "i said no" and thinks they're going to burn their bra over the issue because you wrote "i said no", but in the future should anything happen again remember that you shouldn't have to ask myself "was i assaulted", this isn't a question you should have to ask!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

pittsburgh...

Here are some facts.

The lady is 30 years of age.

Last year she tried to commit suicide.

She has very few friends, life.

She has probably had very few "relationships" real ones,

That tells me alot about this lady, her phsyc, and maturity level...

This man knew her.. So he knew her phsyc as well, possibly about her suicide attempt, possibly about her non relationships for possibly years and he enticed her...

Yes, sub-consciously there is a possibilty that his emails he sent was flirting and she took the bait. But, yes it's also possible that she viewed him as a "friend", her "friend's fiancee" and went to gain further attention as a "friend", knowing that men do this for sure, it's happened to her before, she's admitted that she does give in, as she feels worthless and sees it as a possible next relationship, not their intentions to use, but I believe that she doesn't see a "friend" doing that and that she was in shock and she did as she was told, as he was dominant and that is what she is used to.. But when she realised again, in that second of not being shocked that he was her friends partner and said no, she meant it, he kept going.

Let's face it, he emailed her, he lured her and any 30 year old woman who has tried to commit suicide, drinks, is mostly on her own, will take all attention as well, as will get confused over things...

No still means no. And, he lured her..

So yes, no does mean no and yes, we can answer taht here on this Forum.

But the OP needs help, she needs to get to the root of all of this and why she is drifting at 30, still nieve about men and life and feels suicidal..

Support is actually what she needs.

[Carebear2010]

Thanks for the support. Im currently seeing a cousenlor for my issues.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hey carebear,

There's nothing wrong with that, that's great....

It's okay to be nieve and it's okay to make mistakes and it's okay to believe that there are good people in this world that wouldn't harm you, or deliberately try to take advantage of you...

Age is but a number, I'm still learning some things in life and I still miss signals, although my other half sees them, so don't think that's not normal either..

But definately don't put yourself in a position of being one on one, alone.. It can be dangerous..

Please let us know how you get along as we are here to support you and any questions you have, fire away.

CW