[spudbrooks]

When I get home from work tonight, my boyfriend of 8 years that I have bought a house with in the last six months, will no longer be there.

The past three months have been a real struggle as he has been quite down, has told me that his feelings for me have changed as well as his own problems of lack of direction, goals etc. I've done everything I can: suggested how to get help, supported him, got angry at him, been with him and even given him space when he needed it.

While I recognised the fact that one day he might leave, I really thought that all the things I suggested might help him and us. Now he's leaving and our relationship (which we both had said and written to each other was perfect just 6 months ago) is over, without him really doing anything to try and help us, or himself. He's just running away rather than deal with his and our issues.

The most difficult part of this is that his body language and his actions towards me and the very open discussions we have had, don't match to me, as we get along so well, its never awkward, we've lived in the same house the whole time, he says he still cares and loves me, just not in the same way.

I don't think he realises that it is normal for couples to have rough patches (and we haven't had any in 8 years) and now at the first sign of trouble, he can't handle it and is running away.

Where do I go from here when I know it is over, but i can't understand why? I feel like I am the victim of circumstances beyond my control and that his own internal problems and fears about himself are impacting on me.

I don't want to go home tonight. I don't want to be alone in the house that to me, represented everything we had worked towards as a couple.

[Suzi]

Oh dear, it sounds like a really sad situation you're in and I really do sympathise.

But you can't change his behaviour or how he feels, and if he's determined to move out and finish things then you have to let him. You describe this as the first rough patch you've had in 8 years - surely not? Surely things weren't 'perfect' until a few months ago? It makes me think that perhaps for the last few years he has been repressing a lot of feelings and emotions rather than face dealing with a situation that isn't perfect. I suspect that after so many years things have finally built up in him to such a level that he can't ignore them anymore or carry on pretending everything's fine in this relationship.

You are, in a sense, a victim of the circumstances - he's left you with the house and presumably a mortgage to pay for and you haven't done anything. But I think you have to accept his decision and let him go so that you can move on. If it is a blip he's going through then he will, sooner or later, wake up and realise that he wants this relationship. But if not, you need to accept it and do what you can to protect and look after you.

Could you stay at a friend's house for a few days whilst you think things through?

Suzi

[usedandconfused]

Hi
since i almost stole you title thought I should pay back!!
You're in a horrible position at the moment and it will hurt but trust me, whatever the outcome you will be ok...in the words of someone or another wiser than I, everything will be ok in the end...if its not ok...its not the end.

Sound like you both were unhappy of late and I've been in a similar situation in the past. What you need to do now as hard as it may be is give both of you some time out. Don't beg or plead with him but instead try and busy yourself and do things to make you happy that maybe you didn't have time for in the relationship. Maintain contact but make sure he see's that your attempting to move on and try and keep it non emtional...it may just be enough to make him relalise why he loved you in the first place. If it doesn't then hopefully it will make you realise that your far too good for him...praise yourself for being open to love and know that you will experience it again.

best of luck