[usedandconfused]

Hi

Long story, please bear with me...

I meta man last july who was basically perfect for me (my mum loved him for a change). We had both been out of longterm relationships for 6 months (he had been married for 7 years and I'd been living with someone for 5). We got on brilliantly...enjoyed the same things, like minded and open about our previous relationships. Things progressed rapidly and I think it was only a few weeks after we met that we both said i love you, him saying it first. i have never felt so loved and wanted before and it all seemed too good to be true. he went through his divorce a few months in without incident really, though he was always open with me and i tried not to let my own anxieties ever play on his mind. 7 months into the relationship he suddenly came over to mine and ended things...saying he was messed up about his marriage and I deserved better, also that he didnt love me. I was shocked and devistated, it was right before my birthday and valentines. We stayed in contact ( ashamed to admit still slept together a few times) then after 2 weeks he said he never stopped loving me and wanted to give it another go. my feelings hadn't changed so i did get back with him, with some trepedation. Things went great agin and i slowly got my confidence back and felt loved again. obviously couldn't be that easy, 6 weeks ago he moved to the other side of the world for a temporary position for work (6 maybe 12 months). I went to visit him 2 weeks ago and we had a great time but I did feel he was slightly distant and noted how worlds apart our lives had become. After i returned that contact was lacking and I knew the enevitable would happen which it did 5 days ago. He called and said basically all the same things as he did in feb...dont love you, messed up over marriage, dont want to get married again (despite the fact this was something i hadn't mentioned but he had talked about us getting married and having kids), you are wonderful and deserve better (patronising or what!) I am so confused how he can run hot and cold and say i love you one week then its gone the next. he is coming home in around 4 weeks for a job interview (at my work place!!) and said he will see me then. he actually has emailed me quite a bit since we split, but just chatty with no emotion. i think this man is seriously messed up but idiot i am i love him. Am going to try my hardest to get on with things and move on if the opportunity arises but do you think there is any hope for us once he's had some time to sort out his issues and moves back home? should i give him another chance once that happens if its offered? thanksx

[snuffie]

Hi,
hope I can provide some advice. I've recently had a split and I would give you the advice I was given, initially get some space from him and your relationship with him. That will give you some perspective about what you want, you need to put what you want first you are the priority here. Is it him you really want?, are you willing to go through his ups and downs? are you able to put up with been told he doesn't love you again?
The distance will hopefully make things clearer, of course the feelings will be there still but you may know if he is what you want and if you are willing to go through this all again. From what you have said I don't think he doesn't know what he wants, is he scared, does he enjoy playing games?. Only you know if it's worth it, but please make sure you don't continue in this pattern, almost a cycle.
Hope all goes well

[usedandconfused]

Thanks
I do feel that i want him but i have enough perspective to know that as hard as it will be i dont want to get back with him until hes back in the country for good. i dont think he likes to play games but i think he has loads of issues over his divorce thta he hasn't dealt with so twice its all got on top of him and he suddenly does a 180 on our relationship. If he does come back it has to be with some very major assurances!! I hope i can just move on and get over him as i've never seen myself as someone who would put up with this kind of behaviour, and certainly if it was a friend i woul be telling them to get rid for good!!
thanks for the advice ax

[kygirl]

I agree with snuffie. Take the next few weeks to really think about what you want and need and if he can give it to you. He's done this twice now, and I am normally a firm believer that you may get a second chance but I'm not giving you a third. That will be your call though.

I think you should make him talk to someone like a therapist and find out where this issues stem from. i am dating someone who is in the process of divorce, and it really does seem to do a number on them, but it's very unfair for him to go back and forth and back and forth. He's going to have to get to the bottom of the issues and work through them before he can be happy with anyone again.