[Hopeless Dork]

I find it so tragic that having someone cheat on you in your past has lead you to believe you don't deserve or won't ever find someone to love you, and only you. Or that you didn't take away from the experience of being hurt , to not want to be the source of it for someone else... but it is what it is and you will do what you will do.

It sounds like you are letting your daughter be your excuse for why you don't deserve 100% of a man's love, when given your hurt past and feelings on peoples ability to be committed that you simply just don't feel it can happen.

I think he's got to be feeling insurmountable guilt, one from having an affair in the first place and two.. for cheating on such an ill wife at a time she likely needs him the most.

Hedging your bets that he may leave her in 4 years... is about as good as any gamble, but it sounds like you don't feel you should have more than that.

Even in all this you are trying to decide if this affair is damaging to HIM, with no real concerns for yourself and how you may end up hurt.

Like the others of said, he'll be financially tied to her forever, especially if she never fully recovers. Also if she does recover and become well... he may have a change of heart on leaving her (if he ever really plans on doing that anyway... 4 years is a long time off... and he could be just saying... 4 more years, 2 more years, but just wait til the kids are done with college... just wait til after the grandkids are born... just wait til they are old enough to understand... etc etc... just stretching it on out while you live your love life in the shadows).

Your daughter is young, but kids are no fools. As she becomes older and you do introduce a man into her life... do you want it to be based on a lie? Do you imagine ever confiding to her that you were carrying on this affair with a married man behind her back until 1. she was older and 2... he finally left his wife... years after the affair began?

Its just , I would imagine you want her to be proud of you... I'm not trying to talk down to you, honestly. I just think that may be one aspect you haven't even considered.

I know you posed your question to ask what you think is best for this man that is cheating on his sick wife... and what would make HIM feel better... I think he is doing what makes him feel better. I think between you and his wife...his needs are met. He's looking out for his best interest... who's looking out for yours?

[Ontheside]

Hey everyone, I'm not ignoring you guys, but I've tried posting replies 4 times. Had to retype it four times already (copy and paste hasn't worked). I'm frustrated and will try to reply again tomorrow. Thanks and hugs to each and every one of you.

[Ontheside]

Thanks for your patience. OK, yes, he has told me why he cheats. We were friends before (we'd met about 6 years at a sporting even his son participated it) and it was his son that remembered me three years later when we were sitting by each other at a weekend event. The affair was meant to be a one night stand but then we discovered that we worked in the same industry and our companies began subcontracted with one another. He and his wife have been estranged for several years and have been maintaining a congenial relationship for their children.

I have backed away, or tried to, however, we were friends first and foremost, and I care about his children. He does spend his free time with them, and I encourage him to not try and make time for me because they need him.

My daughter does have a father figure in her life. My brother stepped up and has done the father/daughter things with her and has made sure to be there for her on a very consistent basis. She's had every member of her fathers life ripped out of her life because of their choices in life. The state I live in will not allow a legal father to forfeit rights without another person who will accept legal paternity (not the same as adoption).

I do want more, eventually - when I'm ready and when I'm ready to introduce someone into my daughters life who will be more permanent. But until I know what I want for sure, I'm happy for the most part. She's me my man, he comes to the park with us some, but he's not a constant figure in her life, and I don't want him or anyone to be until I feel comfortable about it.