[LoveCatherine]

Hi, I've been dating this great guy for the last eight months, I was single for nine months prior to meeting him. My last relationship of two years ended completey out of the blue, I was heartbroken. My new boyfriend was in a relationship for seven years and lived with his ex girlfriend for two years, she walked out on him also out the blue for someone else who she is now engaged too. My new boyfriend was single for year prior to meeting me, he thinks I'm amazing and we have a excellent bond together - however I'm holding myself and my feelings back towards him because I'm scared of getting hurt, but my main issue is I have this obsession about his ex girlfriend, what she was like, what their relationship was like together, especially because they were together for so long. I'm afraid I'm never going to be as good as her looks wise everything!. I know he has no feelings towards her. And I don't want be compared to her in anyway he gives me no reason to feel like this, but I can never relax and be myself around his family because I'm always thinking their comparing me to her. I need to know what to do???? - I'm unsure whether to end the relationship and have some alone time to think. I'm struggling to build an emotional bond with him because of the way I'm feeling.

[sourpuss]

Why do you compare yourself to someone who hurt him? All you need to know is that he's with you now. Bringing her up, thinking about her, their relationship, etc. is only putting attention where it doesn't need to be. The attention should be on the two of you and your relationship, NOT someone in his past. You're going to drive him away.

What are you insecure about?

[LoveCatherine]

I kind of feel, everything is great so something is bound to go wrong. I don't want to drive him away, he's always the one chasing me, calling me, taking me out, I suppose I don't want that to go away, so I think getting too cosy with each other all the good things will disappear - I've been in relationships before starts off amazing then slowly fades away. I want us to work but I'm putting pressure on myself.

[sourpuss]

Well, all that fun stuff will eventually subside. It does in all relationships. It's a bummer, but it happens. He can't chase you forever. If you're convinced something bad will happen, it will. Obsessing over it will make it happen sooner too.

Relax, enjoy the fact that he likes you and wants to be with you. If it lasts, that's wonderful, if not, then it was good while it was good.

Not every relationship is a whirlwind romance that will last forever. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow and be ok with whatever may come your way. But if you're looking for something to end it or to go bad, it will for sure.

[LoveCatherine]

I've got to tell myself to stop obsessing about his past and move forward and enjoy what we have together and give him my all and what will be will be. As you say if I don't I drive him away which I'm making sure I don't do. I am in to him but I'm holding myself and my emotions because of the obsession about his ex.

[KMonte85]

This has very little to do with his ex, from what I can see you are using her as a tool to keep him at arm's length because you're still not able to cope with your past hurtful relationship.

It has been 9 months since you and your ex broke up and it is still having a significant impact on your life currently and your current relationships. Have you thought about talking to someone who can help you with your feelings of hurt? Someone who can help you work through your trouble letting people get emtionally close to you? Check out support groups or counsellors in your area who can help you get back on the right path to not letting the pain from your past ruin your future.

[LoveCatherine]

Thank you for your reply. I can see you point and you are right I am keeping him at arms length without realising it. Maybe I've come in to this relationship to soon, even though we both agreed to take things slowly. My ex was everything to me, and maybe I'm trying to find him in someone else, but my new boyfriend is completely different to him. Which is always a good thing.

[LanaBear]

If you keep thinking something is going to go wrong, it will. You are self sabotaging this relationship. Don't worry about the past, yours or his, it has no barring on your relationship now. Your past led you to your place today, with each other. Like sp said, stop worrying about the relationship and ex that hurt him. It's not fair to you and certainly not fair to him.

[JadedQueen]

I completely agree with KMonte85... I think has very little to do with his ex. Does he talk about his ex? Still have photo's of her? Letters from her? Does his family bring her up when you are around? If the answer is no then this obsession is just in YOUR head and you should really ask yourself if you are obsessing about his ex because deep down inside you aren't over your ex just yet? If there isn't a reason for you to obsess about his ex and the only one bringing her up or thinking about her is you.... you really need to analyze what's really going on and the real reason you are feeling this way.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

My current boyfriend of going on 6 months, was married for 11 years, together 13, separated for 8 months when we met, and had literally moved out that month, and in with his sister.

If I adopted that fear, as you have, I wouldn't be where I am today, in such a beautiful place.

Familys don't generally compare, they generally only want what makes their "son/brother/nephew" happy... When the see that, they see that he's happier where he is... remember that.

I think your problem is that you haven't gotten over your ex, you were in love and your finding it hard to let your emotions go, let your love go, yet you have someone that loves you and tells you, the past is exactly that the past...

Don't you think you owe it to yourself to move into your present so you can have a future?

CW