[spudbrooks]

I posted a couple of months ago about my boyfriend who was really down and was questioning our relationship.

It's been a tough couple of months with some real positive moments and some real lows. He's so messed up within himself, he struggles to decide whether he wants our relationship to work or not, but I have been here all along to try and support him, even going on a 'break' to allow him to sort out his feelings alone.

Anyway, after separations, reuniting, good times, bad times, horrible times and ultimatums, we decided today it was over, after 8 perfect years together (his words and mine) and 6 months after buying a house together. It's not the decision i wanted to hear, and its not the decision I wanted to put forward, but I just couldn't keep going with the uncertainty. And he's still uncertain about us.

He left tonight. And I am devastated. I know it is very early days, but this is the first break up either of us have ever been involved in and I don't know what to do from here or how to move forward. I keep thinking about how i've lost my best friend and maybe my opportunity for babies.

Can people help me with what to do from here and how to move on?

[Joey]

I am so sorry to hear this. :-( it makes me so sad because it is such a hard situation to go through.
My advise to you, based on my own expereinces, is to be with your friends and family during this time. Being on your own will just make you think of nothing but the break up, and the 'what ifs' and 'buts'. you need the support and care from your friends and family.

as for the moving on part? it takes time. You WILL get there though. you need to time to sort your own head out and to sort out what you want now. Your number one now - take care of yourself.

[lushley666]

It's not easy when you have your first break up. My solution was having good friends to pour my heart out to - I no it's cliche but things do happen for a reason and maybe this is leading you to something better...not much consolation at the moment - just be with friends or family who let you ramble over the what if's and why's - keep busy and cry when you want and it does get better...big hugs xx

[Ashlee T.]

Very sorry you're going through this, and I know you'll hear it from others, but sometimes things like this are a blessing in disguise even though they don't seem it now.

I would recommend limited contact with him to as little as possible. You need some time for the initial hurt/emotional upheaval to pass. You WILL miss him. He WILL miss you. Expect that, embrace it, and know that those feelings do not indicate that you should be together.

Next, plan things with friends and family. This part is VERY important. For me (after a breakup 2 weeks ago) I didn't feel like "going out" this weekend, so Friday I invited one gf over, and Sat I invited another one. We sat on my patio and drank wine, talked about my break up, but also about LOTS of other things. It was just what I needed.

Exercise. Plan some sort of physical activity for yourself, every single day.

If you're an animal lover, after a bit consider getting yourself a dog. I cannot even begin to tell you the lonely nights and hard times my dog has helped me through. She gives me something to look forward to every day when I get home, she's ALWAYS happy to see me, and she's such a great buddy. Getting her was a huge decision for me, but I've not regreted it even once.

Get a new haircut, and treat yourself to a mani and a pedi or a massage or something else that makes you feel good.

And most importantly, understand that breaking up doesn't mean finding a new man....but it does mean finding yourself. It is a process......and it takes time....and when that time is right you will move on. Sometimes guys are different, I'm never surprised when an ex of mine starts dating someone within literally weeks of our breakup. They often feel the need for instant replacement because they use the "relationship" as a form of validation. Don't fall into that. Embrace this time and allow yourself to heal.

AND, even though we can't be there to sip wine with you on your patio....we're definitely always hear to listen.

[Olympia]

Spudbrooks,
In agreement with previous posts.
I understand your loss runs deep.
Keep in mind, things will not remain as they are at this moment. Others will enter your life. There is much fun to be had and love of life to spread around. Smile...!

[Hopeless Dork]

Isn't it fantastic that he waited until after you two have purchased a home together to reveal he is uncertain about the future of your relationship? arghhh. Either way, you are not missing your chance to have babies. In fact, you might be increasing your odds of having babies with a man that will be in their life by having them with someone BESIDES him. If he's uncertain about whether or not he even wants to be with you... he couldn't be certain about being a father. So perhaps, since you want kids, ending this relationship now... is the best thing for you as you'll be free to find love with another man that shares your vision of the future.

8 years... your pain must be almost unbearable, but as dark as you feel -- I promise you, it will get better. You will have good days, bad days... a week where you feel like you've moved on only to think of him and hurt again and feel like you'll just never progress but you will. Little by little, day by day. Its so cliche to say time heals all wounds... but it does. So the best thing you can do is try to find a way to pass the time... keep your hands and your mind BUSY. Start a fitness program, take a class, volunteer somewhere you've always wanted to (giving of yourself to someone in much dire straights than yourself may provide some life perspective... not to mention helping people can make you feel so good about yourself), take on an extra responsibility at work ... just stay active.

Visit friends and family often, go on that vacation you always wanted to. Spoil yourself, indulge yourself. And before you know it you'll wake up one day... and he'll cross your mind... and there will be no pain associated with the though of him, and you'll know you've moved on. It'll happen sooner than you think.

[rcoreyus]

I'm very sorry you are in this spot. The only consolation I can give (and its not much) is that ending a relationship is better than continuing one where either of you isn't happy.

[spudbrooks]

Thank you all for your kind words.

It's just so hard at the moment, but i am going to give myself a couple of days just to grieve. It's hard because a lot of my friends live on the other side of town, but I've made a few phone calls and have a few plans for the next few weeks. It's particularly hard because I am a teacher and I am on holidays now - i so wish I was at school where I am distracted. School's been pretty much the only thing to get me through the past couple of months.

There are lots of good ideas here. My dogs are very comforting but at the same time very upsetting because they will have to go at some stage, depending on what happens to the house. It breaks my heart to think of losing them as well.

I'll continue to battle on, although I'm scared and embarrassed to tell friends and family that it is over, but I don't know why.

Thanks again everyone, Im so glad I found this forum.

[BabyGirl]

I'm sorry to hear your 8 year relationship is/ has ended.. Splitting from someone you love is never easy. It seems that you both came to a mutual decision to end this.

Even having seprations and " Time Out " and giving him "Space" he still was uncertain about you two as a "forever" couple. Was Marriage an Issue ? You say you bought a house together,that is a huge joint decision, is this when things got worse ? I ask , as the huge commitment of a home can put undue pressures on people.

Buying a home for anyone, including married couples is essentially making a 20 year "Commitment". And though Euphoric and Exciting at first, sometimes deep down the person is saying to themselves
" What have I done, am I ready for this,can I afford this, what if i lose my job, what if we break up or the other passes away ?

*** Men think this way more than women, as most women are more " I've found a Nest to raise my young and just be a perfect Family ***

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You can't just " Move On " immediately.. Just like the Death of a loved one, it takes time.. If you lose a Child, most just won't just have another child or think " Well that ones gone, then have another and not take the time to Grieve".. Lose a Spouse and just go find another one, Lose a Parent, Best Friend or Brother or Sister and just go get another one ... That is not Normal or something that most can do.

You have lost a Love and that will take Time, One Day at a Time. You will have bad days and good days, days that you don't know if they are good or bad, just kinda "Surviving". The key is focusing on how to make your days better, yourself better.. So this " hopefully" never happens again.

The Process of losing someone you love is fairly simple, but degree's differently with us humans.

Shock .. This came out of the Blue !
Unbelief.. How could/ did this happen
Responsibility.. Who was at fault or the Blame Game
Why.. What could I have done to prevent or stall this .

Next come the

Anger.. At self or the other, how could you leave me ?
*** Except for young children**
Most will ask themselves why that person has left your life or what could you/ they have done to prevent it..

Tears... Of ....
Frustration .. What am I to do Now ?
Lonliness.. How do I fill this Void ?
Regret.. if you know you could have helped make sure this didn't happen.
Un Motivated.. Who cares my life is over ..

These are only a few of the "Surface" emotions that we go through. There are deeper ones to follow and some are very benificial, but we or others will not recognize them until much later down the road .

Later On... Will Come..

RELIEF.. " I could have done/ felt /been stuck with ..
WOW .. I can be Something or Someone better.. Look at me NOW !!
JOY.. I feel so much better.. I am Happy.. Life is wonderful.

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[RosePetal]

break-ups are NEVER easy to deal with. i know i have been through a fair few in the past. What you need to realise is that it wasnt meant to be and you cant go on in life if he is uncertain. Letting go was probably the hardest bit and now that is done you need to overcome the loss. Talk about it and let it out, but try keep active so it doesnt run you down.

TIME is such a wonderful thing and it will heal your pain over time i promise but you must be patient.

Try have fun and go out and enjoy yourself (easier said than done i know) but you need to try move on with your life to bigger and better things

xxxxxx