[nubianqueen]

Hello all,
It's been a while since I posted on this particular relationship forum here.....I have a quick question for you all....

What do you do when you know you love someone, but issues that keep coming up is ultimately tearing you further and further away from them?? And you already have some fears about spending ur life with this person too? On top of that, your family and friends are all trying to tell u the same thing about this person (to watch out, you could find yourself in a situation where your stuck and unhappy, etc, etc, etc)??

Long story short, I dont wanna look back years from now and think, "wow, I saw the signs long ago, and everyone tried to warn me, but i refused to listen and here I go...." I'm also scared that I may never find love like this again... because i know he loves me and will always do anything he can for me. He recently ended things with me, but he's very sorry and wants to get back together again.....Im just so sad all the time now....for those of u who have been in this situation before, what do you do?? how do u deal??

[Mes T]

Right now it feels like you might not, but you WILL find love again, probably better love, love that you won't doubt, love that the people around you will also recognize and congratulate you on, rather than what's going on now.

Be careful of the "on again off again" cycle. It's best to make a clean break when you can (if that is what you want, of course).

[nubianqueen]

yeah..........that's pretty much what's going on here! (the on again off again), especially b/c i would get sad and scared and want to go back to what's comfortable, what I know. I want the type of love that I have not fears about the future, the type of love that those around me can actually be happy for me and congratulate me on rather than try to warn me about. It's a horrible feeling when those closest to u are trying to tell u that they sense something isnt right about that person u love. And it's for those reasons that I feel like this whole thing is what's best right now, especially with the way things played out.

[Mes T]

Yeah, just the fact that it's off-and-on right now is reason enough to end it, I think. What do the people around you say about him? Often times an outsider's opinion (if it's objective, that is) can really show us the truth... even if it's not what we want to hear!

Why do you get sad and scared when you're not with him? Do you have friends, or hobbies? If not, acquiring some of those will literally erase a lot of your worries. My boyfriend and I were together every single day since the day we met, and now he's moved away for 3 months... Yeah that's not the same as a break-up, for sure, but I was still really sad a lot of the times. So, I made plans with friends, downloaded a bunch of my favorite movies and shows, and treated myself to all of my favorite comfort foods... Basically, I found a really lovely routine that I wouldn't have been able to do if my boyfriend were around, and it has definitely cheered me up and helped me to cope.

[nubianqueen]

the past couple times, i called it off....this time it was him. My fam says stuff about him based on what they see him do. Such as, "i think he sees what u have, he doesnt have that, so he tries to take his frustration out on you alot as a result", "if yall have these problems now, what will happen if yall were to get married?" with the most recent events that took place, my cousin was like "if he's capable of doing this here, what else could he be capable of??" My mom has a 6th sense about these things ...I dont really say much about my relationship to her but she ALWAYS knows when something is wrong!! (that's what scares me the most because I'm like how the heck did u know that!).

It's not that I typically get sad whenever we are apart, it's just that RIGHT NOW that we are no longer together, I get sad when i think about all he has done for me and the fact that i hurt him (eventhough it was his actions that brought me to this point).

right now, I have friends i chat with online, watch tv, i go to church when i can, i also work and have friends and fam that I also talk to/hang out with. when im by myself late at night, or when i first wake up in the morning, that's when i get sad

[Mes T]

I still don't quite understand what he is doing... You mean, he's abusive in some ways and they're saying, how could he do that here, and it'll only get worse with marriage? If that's the case, then I would have to completely agree with them.

Getting sad in the mornings and nights is NOT a good enough reason to go back to this person and keep ruining your life, if that's what's happening. One day you will stop missing him during these times, and then you'll be ready to start fresh with someone more compatible.

[nubianqueen]

No he's not physically abusive at all....it's just that some of his actions for example, just because he was upset due to something he THOUGHT I said, he went out of his way to try to put me down, and some of my family members heard this. Called me out of my name, cursing me out, etc, etc, etc. He doesnt normally do this, unless he feels extreme hurt in some kind of way. But their fear is if he is capable of this here, then who knows what else he may be capable of later??

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think you firstly have to take your Mum out of the equation.. You know we all have gut feelings, or some people are very in-tune with what is going on and want to guide us, but at the end of the day, it's our decision and what if they are really basing it on their own past?

What if...

I also think that he knows of the hurdles he has with your family.. And isn't it them he's rebelling over?

Isn't it the knowledge that you listen to them and he knows that, that he reacts?

That's their fear, if they never spoke a bad word about him, how do you see him, how would you feel?

You can have more than another person, it doesn't mean that they are worthless... It's your encouragement of where they are heading, where they can go and your love that will make them someone in their own right.

Having people judging and you listening isn't living your own life, with this person.

Make your own management decisions, make your own judgement, if they were not there, talking about what you have, what he has, if you weren't telling them everything, or making him feel you listen to them not yourself, only yourself as it's your life, where would that take you , with him....

CW

[nubianqueen]

CW:
It's not that I think less of him at all....I feel like Ive done nothing but encourage him all through. I've ALWAYS loved him, no matter what. I still do.....Not even takin my mother into consideration....I feel like deep down inside something doesnt feel right. You know when people say they've found the "one" and they just know? Honestly it's like this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something isnt right. IDK, and th WAY that all the recent events occurred it what's getting me to wonder.....especially with him breaking things off and the way he acted towards me afterwards.