[kira]

I don't mean the 5 year old temper tantrum hate. I'm going to be turning 26 in the not too distant future. Due to health problems I haven't been able to pay my own rent and even after I got married my husband is still paying mortgage on the condo and has some credit card debt so he can't pay it either until the condo is sold. We can't move in to the condo because of the animals. I love my animals. They keep me sane. My mom hates my animals. She hates my lifestyle. She thinks that because she's helping us cover the rent she can do whatever the heck she likes. I tried working for her to get my own money but no matter how much or how little I worked she just wrote it off as helping to cover whatever she thinks I owe her. I never saw any money. I'm looking for a job elsewhere but no luck so far.

This week my sister came back from college and needed a place to stay. We are desperate to sell the condo so we didn't really want her staying in it. My mom shows up 2 days before my sister was going to get here and orders us to give her the key to the condo and our realtor's name so she can talk to her about my sister moving in for awhile. She does offer to replace the carpet and such so the condo is more likely to sell but there was no bargaining or compromising. If she'd offered to do that in exchange for my sister staying there then I would have gladly agreed but instead it's an after thought once she's told us they are using the condo. I found out today from my sister that my mom has also been ranting about my rabbits since she walked in to my house unannounced that day.

I'm trying to get a degree, find a job, sell a condo, pay off my husband's credit card debt, keep myself happy with my animals, keep the house cleaned, and help my friend to keep her martial arts school open all while dealing with severe insomnia and some unknown heart and blood pressure issues that no one can solve. Oh and there's a potentially cancerous lump they have to look at next week.... I don't need people barging in to my house and life to criticise my choice of lifestyle.

Every time I've talked to her for the past 5 or 6 years we have to go through the same discussion about why don't I have another job yet, why didn't I complete the degree she forced me in to, why am I wasting money on pets, and all the stuff she claims she's done for me all my life when 90% of it is stuff I never wanted her to do and half of it was probably detrimental in some way. She's also bought in to a group of idiotic psychiatrists I hated and refused to talk to who say I'm autistic. She thinks it all comes from my father's side and blames him. If anyone has autism it's her. She doesn't pick up on social cues or understand what's appropriate to say and what isn't. I hate going places with her because it's this constant stream of bad comments about everyone and stupid comments about me to other people. She probably knows me less than the people who come to martial arts classes once a week.

I just reached my limit today and I've decided I hate her. I do not want her in my life and if it weren't for my animals I'd be willing to go homeless just to not rely on her for anything anymore. I'm tired of crying every single time I talk to her.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

That's quite a vent Kira.

I understand that the animals keep you sane. I am very much an animal lover. But, choices in life sometimes prevents things and I imagine your husband bought the Condo, whilst you had animals or, married you and had the Condo, but still, you had animals and couldn't move in and from there, well it's being paid off with no one living in it...

That's actually a very understanding husband.

But, firstly I want to say to you HATE is a very strong word. Don't hate anyone in life... It's a matter of choices.. She doesn't agree with the fact that you are holding onto your rabbits, when you could be living in the Condo with your husband, working out a way for both to earn more money and continue paying it off, continue attempting to sell it, and work from there.

You don't agree, because you love your animals so you won't do that.

But, irrespective, understand something you are living with her.. It's her house, her rules. So what you hate is where you are at, not her.

She may have a communication problem.. Explaining the logic of things, verses non-logic. She may feel that if you didn't have the pets and found work you liked, etc, that you wouldn't be in this position. You can't see that, as all you see is the love for your pets. How's your husband coping with not being able to live in his Condo?

I think your a tad stressed.

You state your "trying to get a degree" but then you state " why didn't I complete the degree she forced me in to"...

I see it this way. A parent always wants for their child. They try. They may not do things the way you want them to because they are not you, they are different than you, no two people are alike.

But, it sounds to me that she is fed up.. But, it also sounds to me that she attempted to help you get a degree, has given you somewhere to live, is replacing the carpets to help you sell the condo, has given you work, and is keeping the money to cover for food etc.. She may about it, but she can't be all that bad if she has constantly tried to help you even if you can't see that and you see it as forcing.. or not what you wanted...

Don't be so hard on her.

Your in a situation in reality you could change.. You could give the rabbits a great life somewhere, and you could go on and live in the Condo whilst selling it, you could finish your degree, you could obtain some form of work that you can handle, you could then eventually be in a situation of happiness just you and your husband and you could, get out of debt and end up with a place where you can have pets again, and therefore, get more rabbits.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but that's a fact...

So, don't blame your Mum, she's trying even though she feels that you can't see the above, of "coulds"... that is what I believe she is frustrated about.

But, ultimately it is your life. But, not when you have to rely on your parents / to assist... Then it becomes all of your lives....

CW

[Ashlee T.]

How many animals do you have, and what kind are they? (I know you mentioned "rabbits" plural....but how many...and is that all?) Does your husband have a job?

You're 26, married, and living in moms home. None of that has anything to do with her. Parent's expect to raise their children, have them leave the nest and have lives of their own. They typically don't plan for their children to move home when they get married....husband...animals...and all. So she loves you......which is unfortunate for her since you "hate" her. She loves you enough that she's willing to let you interfere with her life, with her home, with what she wants (which is probably a quiet home with no animals and no "children"). You're not a roomate....you're her daughter. And because you're her daughter, you think it's wrong if she takes your work for her as payment for things in the home. But what if you weren't her daughter, and this were just a "friend" you were living with. Would you think it wrong of your friend to expect something of you if she were providing you a place to live rent free for you and your animals? I'm an animal lover too. But they require money, work...and even at that cause cause unwanted stenches, unwanted hair on clothes, etc. Sounds to me that she is sacrificing for you........ but what are you sacrificing for all she's doing for you?

Since you're not working, how are you paying off your husbands credit card debt? How are you paying for food and care for your animals? How do you pay for food and care for you? Please understand I am not being judgemental of you....only trying to make you see things from a bit of a different perspective. You mention that shes helping you and your husband cover the "rent"......does this mean she's helping to pay for the condo until it's sold?

You mention this has been going on for 5 or 6 years that you haven't been able to find a job and didn't finish your degree. What does this have to do with your mom? The fact that you're still there after 5-6 years of dropping out of school then not working.......... sounds a bit like she's been VERY patient. She is your MOTHER, she has a motherly bond with you that will never go away. Adult children often get confused and think that because they are "Adults" mom and dad should disconnect. If you move on and have a life of your own, without requiring your mother to continue to take care of you....then she can be more of a friend and not a parent. But as long as you're expecting her to take care of you...she will continue to be a parent. The autism thing.......have you ever considered that maybe mom is trying to find an excuse as to why you're still there....why you haven't gone on and made a life of your own....why you didn't finish school? And if you didn't like the degree you were in, you could have switched. People do it ALL the time.

I have a 30 year old brother who moved back in to moms shortly after our dad died almost 10 years ago. He has never been able to hold down a full time job. She pays the bills, she does all the work, she is 61 years old and is STILL taking care of her first born. No parent plans for that. He seems to think that because he's her child, she owes it to him. He feels no sense of responsibility to the home, to paying a penny for anything. Ironically, even after ALL she does for him, he has no respect for her. He tells me she's mean and nags at him constantly. He absolutely believes he should be able to live there, contribute nothing, do as he pleases, mess as he pleases, use her home and her property any way he sees fit........and she should say nothing. Sad huh? But from her perspective, she did her job....she raised her kids....she gave us every opportunity we could have wanted (we chose whether or not we took advantage of those opportunities) and now she deserves some time in her life to be FREE of raising children. Time to dance around in her skimpy's if she wants to, have friends over, go places and not worry about what he's doing to her home while she's gone, time to have her OWN life. Time not to have to compromise her own space or deal with anyone elses lifestyle.

The point is..... where you are in your life right now, is understandably not where you want to be. But you're 26 (I'm 27...so I know this...) and where you are at this point in your life is TOTALLY up to you. You have absolutely zero ground at this point to blame her for whats going wrong. If mom wasn't alive, where would you be? You surely wouldn't be on the streets.

You choose where you are. You choose what you do and what you don't do. You choose to see everything your mom does as evil, out to get you, and ignore all the sacrifices she makes for you that NOONE else on this planet would be willing to make for you............and you choose to hate her for it. Your choice. You are way more empowered and way more responsible than you seem to realize. Of course it's easier to be angry at mom than it is to be angry with yourself. But you are where you are, because of you.....an adult.

Very bluntly....it seems that mom is being seriously taken advantage of......is being expected to provide with no return, and is expected to keep her mouth shut...otherwise she's hated. Very sad for a parent who has obviously worked hard to raise her children...and I'm sure hasn't been perfect, but has been there........no matter how old you were and what you needed.

Time to re-evaluate yourself Kira. It's not too late to turn things around in your life. Take responsibility.....and make a life for yourself. You CAN do it. And then maybe you and mom can be friends.....which is what all parents want when their kids grow into adults. They don't WANT to be your caregiver anymore.....they want to see you succeed and be there to share it with you.

[Calicorado83]

I'm with you. I hate my mom too, and I don't want to, but there is nothing positive about our relationship. I don't try to change it because when I just look at my own mother, I boil inside and I can't help it. I know she hates me too, she tells me she hates me. And it is one of the saddest things I have ever gone through because I'm a woman without a mother. I know she is going to pass away soon, within the next few years, and I want so bad to know that my last words spoken to her weren't "I hate you." That would be a guilt and a regret that would hang over my life like a dark cloud. I already feel like I have lost her, and I miss what having a mom feels like. Because the last time I felt any motherly relationship from her was when I was a young child. Sorry, no good advice for you because I am in the same hateful boat. I just wanted to share my experience with someone who may understand.

[Little]

I have a very poor relationship with my mother. I have hated her until she recently started acting like a sane human being (she is mentally ill and on medication,) when I began to marginally like her. There is no love involved. There never can be. But with her sudden (to me) healing and growth, she thinks that the last 20+ years of mental abuse should be magically erased. Fat chance. She has decades of work to do before I can really like her ... and then only from a distance.
That's the situation I'm saying this from. And I'm going to say it bluntly.
If you hate her, do not take her money.
I am assuming that you are not living in her home, but in a different home that she is assisting you in paying rent on. Rent is a HEFTY expense ... even in the cheapest of areas, a place that would allow pets runs in the $300/month range ... minimum. If she owns the home, she is your landlord, collecting a NEGATIVE for her property. She has not only forfeited any money she could get for the home, but is also paying mortgage and/or taxes on it. If she does NOT own your home, she's forfeiting hundreds of dollars of HER money every month to some complete stranger ... for someone who HATES her, but whom she cares enough about to burn money for.
She has no obligation to burn that money on you. She gave birth to you. She was legally obligated to provide you with certain things until you reached a certain age because of it, while you are obligated to defer to her judgment during that time.. Anything she provides you now is HER CHOICE and puts you back within the realm of her judgment. If you don't like it, you need to get off the gravy train at the next stop.
There are jobs. Fast food and retail, when worked part-time, are VERY flexible about availability, disabilities, and things like doctor's appointments. Even if you WERE autistic, you could still find a job in either of these realms. Your decision to pursue a degree was an ADULT decision, and one you can reverse at any time. There are also groups that can temporarily house your pets for you while you get your life in order.
I've been paying my own way since I was 16 so that I could have the things I wanted. My parents gave me the bare minimum of their legal requirements and no more (they couldn't afford anything more.) If I wanted more than two pairs of pants, I had to buy them. If I wanted to get medicine for my cold/sinus infection/whatever, I had to pay the copay and pharmacy bills. If I wanted to transport myself to my job, to school, or to extracurriculars, I filled my vehicle up with gas, paid the insurance and registration, and paid for any repairs or upkeep. And as an adult, I paid my own tuition and school expenses. I'm paying back my own student loans (ironically they came to the same amount my parents SHOULD HAVE, according to FAFSA, contributed in the course of my education.) I pay 100% of my own expenses from rent to frivolities and as a result, I make my own decisions. My parents get zero input. If they object to anything I do, I get the option of hanging up the phone.
And it's the best feeling in the world.

[kira]

I am not in her house! I am renting a house from my aunt. Previously I lived in an apartment with my boyfriend, who turned out to be psychotic and abusive, but it was better than living with my abusive stepfather and my mom who was constantly making life worse. I quit a degree that was entirely pointless after she forced me in to it and made me use up all the money I had for college. The degree would not have helped my odds of getting a job and it wasn't something I wanted to do anyway. I graduated high school early and needed a few months to take a break and think about it but she threw me in classes that spring. Even pretended to be me sometimes over the phone and got my password to my account on the college website so she could sign me up for classes and pay for them out of my college money. A few semesters I didn't even know what I was signed up for and every semester including summer I was signed up for 18-19 credits which takes special approval. I was there from 5am to 9pm with insomnia so I was getting 1 hour of sleep and no one would listen to me. Somehow one semester I ended up taking both keyboarding classes together when one is the prerequisite of the other. Another semester I got signed up for something I already passed. I held it together for a year and a half before I was so exhausted I was at risk of crashing my truck on my way to class every day and I was unable to pass my classes. She wouldn't listen. I talked to several people hiring in the industry and they laughed at my degree saying it would have no impact on who they did or did not hire. So I finally walked out and didn't go back. I lived with my boyfriend. I got called weekly to be yelled at by my mom.

A year or so later I had working sleeping meds and made my decision on what career and degree would work best for me. I started back for a computer programming degree (with no money cause she spent it all), started martial arts and made friends (my mom hates martial arts and I get yelled at for that too), and left my abusive boyfriend despite his attempts to physically stop me. It's a good thing I started martial arts before that. I dated a few random people and traded in my truck for a blazer to lower insurance costs. I had 8 guinea pigs and with permission from my landlord got some chickens and my friend from the martial arts school gives me a purebred akita puppy that would be worth $2,000. A stubborn contagious infection the vet could not figure out claimed most of my guinea pigs and the other died of old age at 8 years old.

So life goes with me getting yelled at for not completing a degree, having chickens (she hates birds), having a dog, doing martial arts, and living on college grants with no job. Then I meet my husband and we marry a few months later. He doesn't want to live in the condo, it would involve getting rid of the chickens which everyone likes and I'm making a little money selling the eggs and offspring, and an akita would not fit well in a condo. My akita is my other half and more than once I've spent weeks eating macaroni and $1 pizzas to buy her better quality dog food. I think before I met my husband I would have committed suicide if my akita had died or been taken away from me because at that point I had nothing and no one for emotional support. I debated moving in to the condo then and trying to figure out something with the animals but he didn't want to and so it was an equal decision to move in to the house I'm renting and sell the condo. But the condo did not sell. My friend rented it for awhile to help cover costs but we were still sinking. My mom takes over some of the rent and decides that instead of just yelling her disapproval at me she can now make me do what she wants. I would very gladly not have her paying for things but we didn't expect to get stuck with the condo and all my health issues that have run up bills in the $10,000s. My husband and I are using scholarship and grant money to pay off his credit cards, pay the mortgage on the condo, and fix it up to sell. He actually makes about $50,000 a year but messed it all up with credit cards. My mom then orders us to let my sister use the condo despite the fact we really need to sell it so we can get a house and not have to deal with her anymore. That brings us to now.

Over the years my mom has dragged me to psychiatrists and told them there's these major things wrong with me. She's accompanied me to doctor appointments to basically tell them lots of lies that she believes. She almost had me declared mentally handicapped which would have meant I couldn't sign for or do certain things on my own. She tells everyone I'm autistic and that's why I have issues and am failing at life. While fixing her computer I found emails she's saved between her and my stepmom where they talk about how I haven't done anything with my life and all the careers they want me to do. That explains why I keep getting told to go become a veterinarian or something. As a little more background while growing up we were never rewarded for A's in school. A's were expected. If we got less than an A even if we did our best she would be upset with us. If we got an A nothing was ever said. We just didn't get yelled at. My sister handled it by throwing up every morning before school from nerves and hating herself for not graduating high school at the top of her class. I handled it by giving up after crying every day whenever I was alone. Trying gets me nowhere since nothing but absolute success gets her to leave me alone. If I can't do it perfectly I might as well not do it. If either of us had a problem in school or life money gets thrown at us. Not "can I help"? Or even a "that sucks?" Just "here have money to go pay off your problems or buy something you like" Then I owe her the rest of my life for giving me a little money that means nothing to her. Sympathy does not exist. Encouragement does not exist. All problems are solved by having good jobs and money. If you don't have that you are a failure and obviously something is wrong with you mentally. She talks bad about anyone who ends up in any situation where they don't have $100,000 just sitting in the bank. She's quite racist too. I hate going anywhere with her because all I hear is this steady stream of negativity. Even as a little kid I felt like her comments were not appropriate.

My entire family is disappointed in me for living life my way instead of theirs. For not going in to an impressive degree like my sister who just graduated as a chemical engineer and has a starting salary of $50,000-$75,000. My mom doesn't complain about paying my sister's expenses far longer and a higher amount than mine. She's still gladly paying for all my sister's expenses since she graduated until she can find a job. My sister is doing what they want and not in a difficult situation so she gets support. I just get yelled at and told how worthless I am.

I don't care what popular opinion is. This is my life and having her throw money at me because it makes her look good does not mean it is not my life to do with as I wish.

[sourpuss]

I agree with Little, if that's how you feel about her, you can't accept money from her. The only way to live your life exactly the way you want is to be 100% independent.
I also think you should find a suitable (temporary) home for your animals, move into the condo until it's sold and you can find a place to have pets. Life throws us tough situations all the time and it always calls for making tough decisions that in an ideal world we wouldn't be faced with making, but that's life.

[BabyGirl]

I also " hate" my Birth Mother, whom I lived with until I was 13 and tried to kill her Husband that was raping me since I was 9 1/2 years old. Prior to his abuse, She had left me at a Hospital to have a Experimental Surgery for a heart defect. I was 4 years old and no pun intended I was a " Guinea Pig " for this surgery. This is 1959. And I'm still here 51 years later. That is the only reason I put the word Hate in Parenthisis...

I do not consider her my "mother" just a means of birthing me to this planet. I actually call her BOB, stands for Byatch Of Birth . When and if she calls or comes to my State. ( she lives in California)
I Tolerate her, ONLY because I am Still breathing and Because My Gramma ( Bless her great Spirit) , Bob's mother, taught me not to Hate and to be Strong.
There is sooooo Much more to my " Hating" of BOB, But this is not about me, This is about You..

So this is what I would do if I were you..

Hate eats at you, it is so Negative and such a waste of your energy. You and your hubby have so many Options.

1) If you can't sell that Condo, Put it up for a Barter or Trade. Property Swap it, get yourself a lil mini farm or a home where you can have your pets.

2) Refinance it with a lower interest rate, This gives you time to sell and if you keep up the payments, gives you more time to find someone who wants to trade properties.

3) Put the Condo up for a month to month Rental or Lease to Buy. Make sure the rent or Lease is enought to cover the payment and Insurance . No profit here but help with not haveing a repo on your record and also takes your mom out of the financial position of supporting YOU in any way.

4) Hubby & Credit Card bills.. Sheesh.. apply for a Consolidated loan using the Condo ( if possibile) as Collateral.

5) Go to a credit Counseling Compay to Consolidate HIS Cards and negociate HIS amount and fines or fee's to a Monthly payment that can be Deducted out of his $50 Grand he makes a year.

6) BURN or CUT UP all Credit Cards and go to Debit Only !!! Debit means you have the Money in your account. Credit means you Borrow Money and pay back alot more .

7) Learn to Buget... This means go back to your 3 for a dollar Mack & Cheese, Top Ramen, P & J sandwiches. ( I fed a family of 5 on less than $25 a week .. It can be done !!!! )

8) I have had Pets all of my life and sometimes I also felt that without them I would not be here today.. BUT If I am not Healthy and Happy myself, being a lifelong Heart Patient .. Who would be here for my Pets ??? Akita's are Wonderful, High Energy, Loving and Faithfull Dogs and yes can be expensive to feed and take care of.. Ask yourself.. If you had a child or even your beloved hubby that was Ill, would you pay for your Pets health and wellbeing over theirs ??

9) Even if you Hate her, you can still repair the Financial part of your " Relationship". Ask her to loan you the money to pay off the Condo .. ( This is a Sale ) if she sits on it long enough, she can profit from it when our economy , USA, recovers.. She can Lease it, barter it or whatever.

10) File Bankrupt... and Start over. It sounds like your new hubby is already Bankrupting your life Moneywise. You will recover, you will have to Down~grade to even Lower than your Mother expects you & him to be..

It's ok , since you hate her and you are not Grateful or even respect her " Trying to help ". You haven't met her Standards anyway Right ??

I am a Survivor, low income, College grad from the late 70's, went thru my 20's & 30's with 4 kids and credit cards and many pets. ( All still Loved, Kids and Pets but don't miss the Credit Cards )

If this sounds harsh, hun, I'm not sorry. Been There Done That.. and Learned from it..

And I am being the Same Harsh with my 30 y/o that makes almost $48 thou a year and Married 7 years and has now had to Down~Grade.. Not the Hubby, but the Lifestyle.. And she married with Love and is now almost done paying off his Child Support from the Ex wife .. Another Long Story .. Lol .

# 11.
File Taxes Separately.. You are His Dependant if you do not work.. If you get a Job file the same. If you are legally married, get a Separation order. Because from the Date of Marriage or of your ever working, you can and will be Responsible for HIS Back " Anything "..

[Little]

It doesn't matter if your mother is as rich as Paris Hilton. Don't take her money - then proceed to not take her advice, not take her calls, not take her bullhockey. But not the other way around.
You need to understand that some mothers gave birth but are not "parents." They have no instincts or ability to learn how to treat other human beings. You also need to understand that most people "in society" will NEVER understand that. They will encourage you to always listen to, respect, and keep your mother in your life. I'm not telling you that. If you don't like her, kick her to the curb ...
BUT
You won't get that money and "support" anymore.
Your mother sounds manipulative. Psychiatrists, like other doctors, aren't magic ... they work with what they are given. And if your mother walks you, an adult, into the office and says "she's really messed up!" Well, then ... they're starting with a predisposition of you being really messed up. (Been there, done that. My mother's psychiatrist thinks I am the big, bad wolf.)
Also, you aren't failing at life. People fail out of college for MUCH worse reasons than major sabotage and health problems every day. Somebody should have told you about medical withdrawal before you ran out of cash. Using scholarship and grant money to keep you afloat while you get your education is EXACTLY what it's there for. Have you looked into student loans to help you get independent? You didn't mention them, but I assume they are still an option. Yes, it really stinks to repay them BUT it's better than having to be miserable.
Get independent any way you can, then give your unsupportive family the big middle finger and tell them to eff off!