[sugar666]

Ok here goes.. and please dont all hate me and think im a bad person at the end of reading, cos im not. Just got myself into a mess.

Well iv been with my boyfriend for 22months, we met at uni and have just finished this summer. Im indian and he's white. Whilst we wer at uni, living in our own little bubble, everything was amazing. The best even. Our relationship was/is so strong and we love each other a of a lot.

But the thing is that my parents dont know about us. When we first started seeing each other, I didnt think anything serious would come of it, just thought it'd be fun and nice he's great company and incredibly hot lol. But things snowballed and that love thing kicked in.

Im at that point where I need to make a decision about where this is going. I cant see myself growing old with this man, due to all the cultural and religious differences. I know that id lose alot like probably my family, at least for a while and how I live the rest of my life.

But then theres a whole other part of me, the part that loves my boyfriend so very much, and i wonder if love is enough? Im stringing him along and am going to end up hurting him. Well someones gona get hurt whatever happens. I dont want to not be with him, but is that just cos im so used to being with him? Would I just know if he was 'the one'? He's my first serious relationship, we're only 21. I just dont know what to do. Iv tried putting distance between us and slowly backing off, to see what happens , but he just pulls me back to him. Im just in such a mess and feel so sick. I just need some help please

Thank you and sorry its a long one xxx

[Olympia]

What does your heart tell you...?
Is this lust, or Love..?
Sometimes we make decissions that we have to live with the rest of our lives. The heart wants
what it wants. It knows no religion, no differences in cultures. We are the ones who make these
distinctions. If it is Love, you are trying to make a decission to choose either the man you love or
your family...It is difficult, are you sure they will not accept him..? Is there any family member you trust
to keep confidences and that offers an open ear..?

[jns]

Have you ask him about the cultural and religious differences and if he can adopt some of the customs? He may be so in love with you he will change some things to be with you.

[Allie602]

You can view this relationship as a journey in your young life. I don't think you should feel guilty about the way things have developed, you can hardly have known the outcome when you started seeing each other when you were 19 yrs old. You should feel very uneasy about being dishonest with him and not telling him what is going on with you. You have a responsibility to speak explicitly and openly with this young man who has been a friend supporter and love. Withdrawing and then coming back is incredibly cruel and thoughtless. If it were the other way around and he did not think you would be acceptable to his family how would you feel if withdrew and told you nothing? For all you know, he may be concerned about his families acceptance and what life would be like having a life-long partner of another race and culture.

I believe in karma. Some see it as a punishment for bad deeds or a reward for good ones but I think it's a force that is constantly propelling us in the direction of greater love, compassion, justice, honesty, kindness etc in our lives. In essence, to be our highest self. Are you sure you are acting with a pure heart towards this young man or are you relishing the power you have over him? You know what is right to do with this situation - a persons heart is concerned. There will be a point in your life where your heart will be in the hands of another, if it get bounced around carelessly you may come to an understanding of the pain. Or you can understand and feel his pain and be honest and forthright with him.

[Mes T]

I was in the reverse situation, I'm white and my ex was an Indian guy. The cultural differences, to the two of us, seemed AWESOME, and gave us so much to talk about, and so many things to admire about the other person. Being with him, I never wanted to be with someone from the same background/culture as me because I thought to myself how DULL and predictable of a life I would have led with anyone else.

However, his parents were extremely conservative and hated me from the beginning due to my skin color... He was very close with his family, even said I'd have to move in with them if we got married, and that was a deal-breaker for me. No way in heck was I going to live with people who hated me, in my own home.

So what I've learned from that is sometimes love ISN'T enough. Sometimes you do gotta look to the future and see how your lives would play out and decide if that's something you want.

[Ashlee T.]

Don't feel bad about yourself. What you're feeling in this situation is very normal of people dating across cultures. You have your family that has always been there and will always be there, who, due to their cultural upbringing and religious beliefs have an idea set forth of who you should end up with. You're very young and I"m sure they know you'll likely date and be interested in other guys. Are you sure they'd react so harshly to someone you're just dating? I had a friend in college who is an Indian girl and was in love with a white guy (a red headed freckle faced white guy. ) and she hid it from her parents. When they found out, they weren't happy and told her she needs to date "only Indian boy". She got angry and told them "It's not fair....at my college the only Indian boys don't speak English, don't bathe and smell bad!!!". LOL! Here she was, put in this fish bowl of good looking guys her age of all sizes shapes races cultures and they tell her "no...only Indian boy". Indian boy wasn't what she wanted, and inevitably, wasn't what she continued to have all through college.

Now she moved off with her family, and is very much a part of her culture now that she's older. I won't be surprised at all to find out she marries an Indian man.

Things change. We grow, change, etc. Your parents know this. Are you sure they'd be that terribly upset considering you're in college and just dating?