[Hopeless Dork]

I think there is great hope for you turning this around before it leads your relationship into a crisis... just you posting here and recognizing your reactions are not 100% rational is a good indication you are ready to start trying to feel better about him occasionally missing a call.

I think that once you start school and have something else to occupy your mind besides just the distace you are from him, what he's doing, if he's thinking of you, etc.. it will be a lot easier for you to be less affected if he misses the occasional call or calls back later than you want in a rare circumstance.

You don't want to make him feel like he is a parole, it can make a man feel like he's not in the relationship by choice... that he is being forced into participating or face your wrath. A man that loves you will make some accomadations to make you happy...

My guy use to be really horrible at returning my messages, he's not a phone person at all... and missed many calls when he was just at home doing nothing. It took me explaining to him that It makes me feel insignificant when I am not worthy of the 10 seconds it takes to punch a few keys on his phone. He understood where I was coming from and made adjustments and now he gets back to me almost 99% of the time, and answers his phone with the same consistancy.

And when I call and he doesn't answer, when I text and he doesn't get back to me, I don't assume the worst because he knows how I feel... and I know that if it was possible he would have answered, he would have replied... so either he hasn't seen the message yet, didn't hear the phone... or he is occupied at the moment and will get back to me when he's free.

When you get yourself to a point of trust, not just trust that they aren't doing something shady... but trust that they care for you and your feelings... it becomes a whole lot easier to not always assume the worst... and instead think as positively of them as you'd want them to think of you if the situation was reversed.

If you went to the mall and your battery died and you were to be gone for 3 hours ... and you knew he was going to be calling, you'd want to be able to take a deep breath and relax and know that you can call him back later and explain and he will understand. It would be awful to feel like you have to drive all the way home and charge it or face him crying and angry and accusing you of not caring... when you absolutely do.

Just always try to see things from the other side when possible.

[chelle21689]

Thank you soooo much. It really helps to also hear it from someone else who has felt the way I had even though if yours isn't extreme.

Like I mentioned before, the odd thing is...is that I went through 3 weeks of not hearing from him at boot camp. Even though it made me sad, I wasn't crying and I was able to still function through my day. When he was in training before he went home, I didn't cry when he didn't pick up.

You know, I also cried when I didn't hear from him in 3 weeks and missed one phone call. I missed it a lot before...and felt terrible when my small chances of hearing from him were gone. He never once yelled at me about it, it doesn't bother him at all.

You're right though, my bf completely knows how I feel and does as much as he can to always keep his phone on him and charged. Like I said, in the past he was TERRIBLE and it hurt. He is sooo much better now, I'm hoping I can try to be better. Please hope for me, pray for me, whatever you believe in lol!

I'm still taking other people's advice and opinions so feel free to chime in guys.

[caterpillar79]

Like I said, in the past he was TERRIBLE and it hurt. He is sooo much better now, I'm hoping I can try to be better. Please hope for me, pray for me, whatever you believe in lol!.

First off, I'd like to tell you how lucky you are for having such a caring, supportive and accommodating bf. I was in a long distance relationship (dating) for about 5 months, then got engaged but still on LDR (same man) for about 4 months, got married afterwards and spent another 5 months on long distance.

I feel for you and vouch on the hardship in maintaining LDRs. These women (and men) here in this forum are wonderful. They helped me see through my weaknesses and now I can say, I'm a much better person.

Before I go on further, may I ask if you also get a litte jittery when you are in your episodes, before during or after you cry? I do! It almost feels like a borderline panic attack and I was once advised to take meds for it - I refused. What I did was 1. I went to counselling ( did it only for about 2 months), 2. I joined groups: yoga/pilates class; bonsai society meetings; choir; taek wan do; belly dancing; circuit training; and ocassionally went out with a female co- worker, 3. I read and read self-help books focused on how to live in the present (mostly Buddhism - based philosophy books by Pema Chodron) 4. I decided to strive hard to not depend on him for my happiness, and that I should be able to be happy on my own and that he should not be the reason for my happiness, but he adds to it instead.

These things, that decision changed my life and the way I viewed my life in general. I'm still struggling even now that we are living in one roof, but I can say, I've improved. Also, I realized that men in general do not think like women. For if they do, life won't be that interesting. So, when I realized that, I made a complete turn around: I stopped initiating calls and no matter how hard and heart-breaking it was at first (for the first 4 months), I strived to stick to it. I had fallouts, I'd be bugging a few osters here (not that I'm encouraging it), but just to help me through my breaking moments. It was difficult, but it paid off. My spouse (bf at that time), was just like a normal caring guy, who stays at hone after work and watches TV, drinks beer, jerks off on porn once in a while, doesn't call me as often as I'd want him to, fails to call back as soon as I'd like, etc, name it!

You know what, I've already shared my feelings to him and he knew and undertood how it hurt me. But still he has valid reasons as to why he hadn't called or called back, like HD and SP had discussed earlier...but when I stopped being the one initiating all the calls, he felt the change! He suddenly had the chance to come forward and be the one to pursue me and worry about me, what I'm doing, how I'm feeling. It didn't happen overnight, and he still didn't come to the point of him calling me everyday or night, but he admits that it made him feel more about me and care more and think more about me. In fact, it made him miss me more that he had to drive down to my place in most weekends.

Cutting the story short, please try very hard to have your life and live it for youself! He should be an addition to your happiness not the one who gives it.

I was once told here in this forum by a wise poster that the quality of your relationship ( or time spent together) depends on the quality of time spent alone. Each of you should be able to bring something refreshing to the table to keep your love alive no matter the distance. And you can do it if you have a certain degree of independence, apart from him and be happy.

[Hopeless Dork]

You know what, I've already shared my feelings to him and he knew and undertood how it hurt me. But still he has valid reasons as to why he hadn't called or called back, like HD and SP had discussed earlier...but when I stopped being the one initiating all the calls, he felt the change! He suddenly had the chance to come forward and be the one to pursue me and worry about me, what I'm doing, how I'm feeling. It didn't happen overnight, and he still didn't come to the point of him calling me everyday or night, but he admits that it made him feel more about me and care more and think more about me. In fact, it made him miss me more that he had to drive down to my place in most weekends.

Its about finding a balance... expressing how much you care, revealing how much you need... but not over doing either to the point of alienating the one you love.

I think when you ram yourself down your partners throat.. forcing them to have to think about you often... it doesn't lend itself to that organically happening for them... when can they possibly have the time to think of you all on their own if you always forcing them to.

[caterpillar79]

Referring to your post, HD... The more you do, the farther he'd get.... The guy might "comply" to show he cares and loves genuinely, but in time, resentments on both parties might develop...everything in proper balance indeed!

And you know, I didn't see all these back then. It felt like I was in a boat and I was crossing this river, I got caught up trying to paddle towards the other bank and all I could see were the shadows of trees, the murky water, and the other bank where I was supposed to go was so far away, I almost prayed I'd drown.

OP, hang in there! If you can't afford counseling just yet, this website is free. You're always welcome to vent (being here was and is my way of keeping my mind off of him when I had my episodes). You'll get better and better in the long term.