[Raina]

I feel like a train wreck thats not been dealt with for a few years now. I've had severe jealousy issues in the past and dealt with them to where they were only mild, but not its back and I can't shake it. I've been cheated on, more than once might I add, in atleast HALF of my relationships.

Despite me working on my jealous, telling myself that its just in my head and that I have nothing to be jealous over only works when you FEEL like you have no need to be jealous.

Me and my fiance are gamers. We enjoy playing games on the computer and the XBOX and such. I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't mind him having female friends, just as long as all of them aren't women (no matter how much I deter my jealousy I doubt I could ever affect all his friends being female) and atleast some of them are men. Hes actually left me for one of my female friends at one point and it only lasted a week (thank god they were 600+ miles apart) and he ended up calling me 4 in the morning crying, which is something I've only seen/heard him do once.

Anyway, here lately hes been on the XBOX again after not really messing with it game wise for a few months and all hes done really is play Battlefield Bad Company 2. I don't care for him to play, I don't. However, I do care when its ALMOST the first thing he goes to when he gets up and is usually still up playing it when I go to bed. Even when we go somewhere, when he gets back *STRAIGHT TO THE XBOX*. I can't remember the last time we had sex, or even felt like I'm being loved and wanted. I've tried to hint at my need, or want, for sex. I told him when I finally got off my period, "Babe, I'm horny" and was pretty blunt about it. He just kinda giggled and kept playing his game. I invited him to shower with me one night, didn't get anywhere there either. One night he wakes up while I was, believe it or not, stalking this forum and says, "My muscles ache," he groans and rugs his legs and then he says, "You know whats good for that?" my mind went to sex, I even perked up a bit because I thought, "YES FINALLY!!!" and he replies, "Muscle relaxres!" I slumped back down and even told him that he got me excited because I thought he was going to say sex and in all honestly, I don't even remember his reply I was so annoyed. Here for the past 2 hours hes been playing that game with another woman, which has stirred my jealousy back into place. I don't even have to see that their playing together just by how he talks to her, or when hes around, compared to when hes just playing with men.

I've tried to kinda make him notice he was on the game alot since he started playing it, I told him, "You spend SO much time on this game babe," and his reply was, "You're on your computer alot, so whats the difference?" He justified himself in the fact that I used my computer to keep myself company when he wasn't able to as a means of not doing anything wrong. I spend time on my PC alot, Yes, but only because I don't want to sit and watch him play a war game for the better half of the day. I'll watch him for a little while but become bored after a while and just go about my own business.

We've had our ups and downs in this relationship, we've worked through them. Despite that though, I've never felt comfortable going to him and talking to him. If a woman is involved, he turns into an explosive volcano and everything is automatically my fault. I've told him before that I would come to him when something is bothering me, but when hes so easily to off its pretty difficult to. Ontop of that, I will start crying. 21 years old and crying as soon as my feelings are hurt. I don't know if thats something I can control or what.

Realtime Example: He just took a friend of his to work, and when he got back the only thing he really had to say to me, NOT WALKING INTO THE SAME ROOM IM IN BUT STRAIGHT TO THE XBOX, was "I'm back," and, "Whats everyone doing online?" (Refering to our online friends).

I know some women out there would've already gone and left him in the dust with all of this but I believe hes worth it. I love this man so much, but I can't just sit back and feel like a pet he simply takes care of and only bothers with me WHEN HE wants to bother with me. I need some, well alot, of advice and I'm hoping to receive it here where I've seen so many other women, and men, get assistance from others.

Note: He'd be furious if he knew I was telling a bunch of strangers this online and not talking to him, his mother has even told me that its not on elses business and yet she goes to marriage counseling.

So ladies, after reading my book, anyone got any advice? <3

[Mes T]

Okay so you're basically dealing with sexual and emotional neglect, as well as with a trust issue due to what's happened in the past?

I know his "type." The "gamer" type that doesn't quite have a life outside of it, thinks you're safely in the bag (maybe because you forgave him so readily for the cheating), so he doesn't have to worry about being a member of a relationship.

You say he's worth it, well could you give us some reasons why? It's hard to advise anything other than "leave him" because all we know thus far is that he's a gamer who cheated once and who treats his girlfriend like a ghost in the background.

[wednesdaymorning]

I agree with the poster above about reasons to stay with him.

However, I do understand because my boyfriend (who I'm having endless issues with) is also a gamer. Except now that nothing interesting is happening on Xbox, it's all StarCraft II. All the time. If we had $15/month, it would be WoW. All I know is that my boyfriend plays video games as obsessively as he does because he "wants to escape" (his words, not mine). He wants to forget about all the real-life drama going on so he buries himself in video games. So maybe your boyfriend is doing the same thing. Maybe he's hiding from confronting you about something. Have you tried talking to him about this? Asking him "Why?"

[sourpuss]

I think the only way you can attempt to change and save this relationship is to lead by example. Stop with the computer and the games and being online in general. Pick up a hobby that gets you outside, where you can meet real life people, be active and have fun. You can get upset that he's spending all his time with xBox when you're spending all your time online....even if you're only doing it because he's playing video games.

He obviously feels he doesn't need to try in this relationship. Well, then go do your own thing and maybe it will give him something to think about.

[Hopeless Dork]

Your boyfriend sounds like he's a highly addicted gamer, plenty of them out there... I watched an MTV true life... my fiance's a gamer and its ruining our relationship... and there was this guy that instead of taking his only weeks vacation when his fiance was having his baby (which was due in a couple months) he took it when they released a new expansion pack for WOW. Priorties... he did not have them, at all.

I love being online, but only when I am home alone and bored. My boyfriend loves playing his xbox but only when he's home alone and bored... when we're home together its pretty rare that he's playing a game and I'm on the pc.

I think when you place the value of a hobbie or entertainment over the company of the one you love... there is a problem. I don't think its the women you have to worry about its his being unable to function for decent amounts of time away from his games.

They provide something for people... a goal, one they can achieve... if they are good at games, even more achievements... then even more goals... its an unending cycle but its filling a void in the people that can't break away from it for real life. Is he happy with his place in life? His job/school etc? A lot of times when people feel like they are not where they want to be in life... escaping to a fantasy where they are a hero and stuff... its intoxicating like a drug. But like with any escape... the more they delve into it... the less chances of them achieving what they want to in real life.

Is he healthy? If so , he likely needs to ejaculate on a semi-regular basis. If he is not having sex with you, its likely he's just masturbating. And since he's getting his physical needs met, its easy for him to turn down sex with you, or not inniciate because he doesn't have that physcial desire for a release, and doesn't have the emotional desire for intimacy because of him being so focused on his games.

He will lose you to them if he doesn't turn this around and at least take time out of the day to make you feel wanted, sexy, special, loved, and necessary to him. You really need to talk to him about that. Let him know that you miss the way he use to make your body feel... that you miss touching him and being close. Tell him the truth that its making you feel distant from him when he doesn't touch you like he desires you.

He may, like some guys, think he's doing you a favor by masturbating. Thinking that sex was something you did for him anyway so its no big deal. Let him know what sex means to you and how you want to be having it with him.

If he understands how you feel and still ignores it... then you have a bigger problem on your hands... but until you have told him in words how you feel and what you need from him, you will not be able to tell if he is just aloof or a jerk... its better to know.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

How about you send me a visitors message of what parts you feel you want edited and we will do that for you.

There is nothing wrong with asking questions on a Forum. Don't save WH as favourites...

CW

[hizenberg]

whaaaaa?? you say he left you for a friend of his at one point for a week?? if that were me if id be outter there as that is so not cool with me. i say leave i.m.o. sorry hunnie. We all love someone for our reasons that we do,and im sorry if i sound insensitive.