[WildChild]

How long have the two of you been dating?

[Casey715]

If you confront him, what will you gain? If this ONE thing ruins your relationship, will you feel YOUR need to know was justified? Anything else we should know? Cause I've gotta say, if this is it, then it seems pretty petty. Is it a lie. Well......He did say he did date, right? Even if they did see each other over a two month period, you said it sounds like a long distance relationship. This leads me to wonder how much face time was spent over a two month stretch. It comes down to HIS definition of relationship for you to accuse him of a lie. But hey, if you really need to know, ask him. Me personally, I hate to be lied to. No trust, no relationship. Without it, how can there be a relationship? So.....do you feel it is a lie is the question.

[Deenie88]

We have dated 8-9 months. They saw each other for a few months (not just 2)...well from what I gather...they knew each other for 2-3 years and met regularly at out-of-state events but maybe part of that time it was as friends.

[Guardian Angel]

Hi. You may want to say something like. Hey Honey!!I really value honesty and trust in my relationships. If you have anything you want to talk about I am hear to listen. And by the way I love you and trust you, and leave it at that. This way you are giving him the opportunity to open up to you. If you find that other things pop up in your relationship, things that you feel he is holding from you, then I feel that you need to set him free. Let it go, so that he can sort it out. If he leaves then just let him know, that you will be here for him. If he comes back after this then you know he loves you. I suggest also that you don't focus on the relationship he once had, but focus on how you get him to feel comfortable with opening up. Men are not emotional creatures, like women where they can talk about what's going on inside of them. I hope this may help you in someway. But as they say, once a liar always a liar. Once a cheater always a cheater.. All the best.

[KMonte85]

I think Casey made a good point that you're calling him a liar based on your definition of a relationship... he did tell you he went on a few dates - which is exactly what it seems happened. You know these things: 1. they knew each other and communicated before you were ever in the picture. 2. It seems like they lived far away from each other. 3. It seems like they met up a few times, some as dates, some as friends.

I guess I don't see what the big deal is... if you want to know his sexual history for your safety, that's one thing - and you should ask specifically about that if that's your angle. But that fact that he sometimes saw a woman here and there at events both as friends and otherwise doesn't seem like some huge revelation. It was somewhere along the lines of a year before you were in his life... If this is all you have to worry about in your relationship, consider yourself lucky, chalk it up to miscommunication between him and you, and let it go.

[Allie602]

I think Casey made a good point that you're calling him a liar based on your definition of a relationship... he did tell you he went on a few dates - which is exactly what it seems happened. You know these things: 1. they knew each other and communicated before you were ever in the picture. 2. It seems like they lived far away from each other. 3. It seems like they met up a few times, some as dates, some as friends.

I guess I don't see what the big deal is..

The big deal is that he lied, it's a very bad start. Talking about definition of a relationship - sounds like the artful dodger. It worries me when a person bobs and weaves around an issue, that's the trade make of a lawyer. She in a relationship not a court battle. There is no mystery as to what a person means when they talk about relationships. Any emotional connection, no matter how short, that has impacted the person. It sounds like this relationship was a lot more than a friendship, it might have been a humiliating experience for him but it was not trivial, he was hurt. If he was made a the fool by this girl it will have an impact on his ability to trust as is evidenced by his deception. He does not like the person he was with the girl that made it possible for him to be duped. So you have to realize that and sensitive. That may make it hard to talk about but he should not lie.

It does not matter what anyone thinks, you on on the scene, you know if what's important or not. If it is important to you, then it should be to him. If he can't tell you than he does not trust you enough yet and he may never trust.

[KMonte85]

The big deal is that he lied, it's a very bad start. Talking about definition of a relationship - sounds like the artful dodger. It worries me when a person bobs and weaves around an issue, that's the trade make of a lawyer. She in a relationship not a court battle. .

That is strictly your opinion. To me, he didn't lie at all. He told her he dated after his last relationship and before he started seeing her. That's exactly what he did - was he in a commited relationship with this woman? Doesn't seem that way from what the OP dug up. The "definition of a relationship" is not some cop out - in fact I would say it is crucial when you are going to accuse someone of lying about having a relationship.

There is no mystery as to what a person means when they talk about relationships.

Obviously there is, since we are having this conversation right now. Two different people with two very different views on what constitutes a relationship - mysterious? nah, but it proves that there could very well be a miscommunication, why accuse someone of lying right away?

Any emotional connection, no matter how short, that has impacted the person. It sounds like this relationship was a lot more than a friendship, it might have been a humiliating experience for him but it was not trivial, he was hurt. If he was made a the fool by this girl it will have an impact on his ability to trust as is evidenced by his deception. He does not like the person he was with the girl that made it possible for him to be duped. So you have to realize that and sensitive. That may make it hard to talk about but he should not lie.

At this point, what you've written here is entirely speculation. Do we KNOW he was humiliated and hurt by this woman? Not really, the information provided by the OP was spotty, as all she had to go on was spotty details here and there in her snooping. Let's not put emotions into this that may not even exist. If the OP wants to know if he was humiliated and hurt, or if he considered it a "relationship" or not, she can ask her boyfriend. I wouldn't advise she does, as I don't foresee any benefit from it, but that is entirely her choice..

It does not matter what anyone thinks, you on on the scene, you know if what's important or not. If it is important to you, then it should be to him. If he can't tell you than he does not trust you enough yet and he may never trust.

And so does what is or is not important to him not matter in this? She thought his interaction with this woman was an important thing to share, perhaps he did not find any details beyond "I dated here and there" important at all to what they have together. Should he be drawn and quartered because they don't see eye to eye on something? Could it possibly be that they have a difference of opinion on something, and not that he's some untrustworthy, cheating, deviant? What's wrong with giving someone the benefit of the doubt?


Really Deenie, it is up to you, as you know, how to handle this situation. Obviously to Allie the warning bells are going off like an air-raid siren. However, I don't see it that way - and I think you could do some mega unneeded damage to a relationship that you have otherwise described as pretty darn good. Is it worth it to you to bring this up?

[lonestar]

"If this were a one night stand that he failed to mention it, that would be different but this has had a major impact on him and reveals the kind of person he is ."***
I agree with this statement. You don't need to have a boo hoo Oprah moment, but it would be nice to know the things that have made him who he is today. You need to be able to talk to your SO- I believe that your SO should know you the best out of everyone in your life. That person should be the closest person to you. You should WANT to talk to them.

[Deenie88]

You need to be able to talk to your SO- I believe that your SO should know you the best out of everyone in your life. That person should be the closest person to you. You should WANT to talk to them.

So...I appreciate all the advice so far and keep wafflng back and forth...I can definitely see both sides of this! The question I guess on your SO being able to share everything with you, and be the closest person to you....yes, I would agree. But maybe 8 months is too soon for that?? is it possible that this (and any other relationships he had, as I now expect there were others in 5 YEARS!!!) is something he will "confess" on his own as he is with me longer and grows to trust me? I guess it makes sense that he is probably not very trustful if the ex-gf treated him so badly and took such advantage of him.

[Allie602]

K Monte85 - "that's just your opinion" ..... what? Of course it's my opinion that's what the forum is about. It's amusing that you take issue with my voicing an opinion and you proceed to do the same. From what you write, it seems that you think you have superior powers of decernment than I.

If you disagree then do so, let your opinion stand on its own merit. Your opinion is not strengthened by belittling what someone has written, it may stifle the faint of heart from posting. I think people should be encouraged to post their opinions, that seems to be the spirit of this forum.

You took the time to post a point by point dissertation on my opinions. What I wrote stimulated discussion which is exactly what it was intended to do. This is the point you seem to have missed, we would like to encourage discussion not stifle it.

I think Deenie says it all - she intends to consider each poster's opinion and will do as she sees fit. I am certain that the diverse opinions have given her food for thought and she seems intelligent and mature enough to weight the advice and apply it to her situation.

That's what the forum is all about, see.