[kygirl]

Okay so I was out Friday night. It was one of my friend's birthdays and since she hadn't been living back in KY long, I thought, it'd be cool if we had a girls night and just went out and had a good time. Her sister went and so did one of my best friends. We were having food, drinks, having a good time, when out of the blue, she tells me that she doesn't think my boyfriend and I are going to work (she had asked me before if I wanted to know her opinion and I told her I didn't). THEN, my best friend chimes in and tells me that she agrees with her (again. I didn't ask).

They have no real reason other than "they just don't see us together". He's not mean to me, he's not mean to them, and I am HAPPY! Granted, I don't know what is going to happen long term but honestly that is between me and him. I felt really cornered. I didn't know what to say and couldn't believe they felt like it was okay to just go off on me like that?! They had no good reason why they felt that way other than this "feeling" that we just weren't right for each other. They even said they like J and they thought it was okay that I was dating him now. Just not longterm?! WTF?

(This is the short version. I brushed it off best I could and tried to go on through the night)

So Saturday I saw J and I was weird. He was sweet, very caring, just being even more nice than normal since we hadn't seen each other for two days. Perfectly fine. I on the other hand, was acting a bit off because I kept thinking about what they said to me. By Sunday morning, I was a mess. Mostly because I was FURIOUS with my friends. Especially my Best Friend. She is one of the two closest people in the world to me and the fact that she felt it was okay to say that just makes me mad. She tends to be very opinionated, but we have always had the rule with each other that we ask the other person if they want our opinion before we give it and we don't even do that unless they ask in the first place.

I'm honestly at the place where I don't even want to talk to them right now. I don't think they realize how angry I am with them because it didn't really all sink in till I had some time to think about the entire situation. I can't tell J because I don't want him to be uncomfortable obviously but I feel like I don't want them around at ALL right now and even if we work it out, I don't know that I will ever be comfortable having them hang out with J and I ever again. I feel like they act all happy to his face and then tell me this behind his back.

I could understand if he was mistreating me or if I was obviously just miserable or something, but the fact that they have no real concrete reason just seems sooo selfish. WHY would you even go there? I dont know what to do. Now I feel like my friends don't like my bf (at least not with me) and I can't even talk to the one person I normally talk to about these things because she was involved?!

[Ashlee T.]

Gosh...sorry to hear they so thoughtlessly ruined your good night. It's one thing to give your opinion when asked, but another just to blurt it out there and tag team you on a night you're supposed to be out letting your hair down having a good time.

And I'm even more sorry to hear that it affected time with J. Obviously this happening was no fault of his own. Please remember that what someone says like that does not change the way things truly are. Just because something is said, does not make it so.

I know it upsets you that they have no faith in something you're trying to have faith in, and something you really want to work. Sort of feel like you're on a team by yourself? I know that really stinks. But remind yourself that if you and J work out and stay together, eventually they'll gain some faith in the relationship and become comfortable with him.

As friends, sometimes we view our close friends so differently than they view themselves. We place them on a pedestal because we know their best and their worst.... and it's easy as the friend to sort of feel like no one is really good enough for "our friend". In that case, it just means that they think an awfully lot of you and maybe they have an idea of what the perfect guy for you should be like, and J doesn't quite fit it.

Is there part of you that feels even more hurt by what they said because you're not so sure yourself? Do you feel like J treats you how you deserve to be treated?

I think if it were me, I'd type them up an email and send to both of them. I'd say something like:

As always, I enjoyed seeing you gals the other night. However, I must admit that I felt overwhelmed with your revelations about my relationship. I guess you could say it ruined my night and has been on my mind since. Relationships are sometimes a leap of faith as we can never guarantee the future. Maybe J isn't the guy for me, maybe he is......I am not at the point in this relationship to know that for sure. But what I do know is that right now he makes me happy and I want him around. You all are my best friends and I hope that you will support me in my choices and be there for me, as I'd do the same for you.

[kygirl]

I honestly don't think I've made a decision one way or another. Not because I'm not happy or because I feel like it would or wouldnt' work, but simply because I have too many other decisions to make right now concerning career and I know that we have a lot to discuss on that. I think it *could* work out if everything continues going as is.. But I am taking things slow.

I think my best friend made me most mad because she has been one of the biggest cheerleaders of the whole thing. Then to turn around and go there? I just felt like everything she said to me has been a lie. It was frustrating that they didn't at least discuss with me about "how things are going" or what I enjoy about him or whatever. I would assume that they do think I could do "better" or something in their mind, but it's not because she doesn't treat me well or isn't nice to all my friends and family or anything. It's just because they have some otehr image in mind. I think that is HIGHLY unfair because *I* am the only one that is going to have to possibly live with this person forever.

I think *my* opinion should be what matters. I also feel like it'd be different if circumstances were different, but they aren't. I am happy. He is a good person. I *do* want to be with him. I've been wanting to email but I am still pretty fired up. I do think that is a pretty good outline though. I'm just sooo aggravated... Grrrrrr.....

[Ashlee T.]

Giving yourself time to cool off about it is definitely a good idea, before emailing or saying anything about it at all. Just remember, you are you. There is only ONE person you for sure have to live with for the rest of your life......and that, my friend, is YOU. So, what you feel in matters that concern YOUR life, is what matters.

At one point in my life my mom gave the thumbs down to almost everyone I dated. She "tolerated" them, but I knew her well enough to know she wasn't fond of them. I couldn't see any real reason for it....she just thought they weren't right for me. It used to bother me SO bad. I felt like she was totally raining on my parade and stealing my sunshine. That got better eventually, in part because she learned I was going to make my own decisions regardless, and in part because I just stopped letting it bother me so bad. I realized that she's my best friend, she means nothing but the best for me, but...........she's not ALWAYS right. (I will say, she was right most of the time though LOL DARN IT!)

Maybe when you decide to email, you should just send it to the one you consider your best friend since that seems to hold the most relevance in your life. She would be the one who would know the most about your relationship. And she's the one you want to be able to call and vent to. Or call and express excitement to when things go great or when he does something super sweet. And you want to be able to do that without judgement. Good listeners understand that they are only hearing one side of the story, so they try to refrain from judging the other party since they aren't hearing their side.

So yeah....let it cool off abit. I understand why you're upset. But remember that you and J are the ones this is punishing.......over words that someone else said that's not even a vital cog in your relationship. You're not required to be sure at this point. But if YOU are happy, getting what you feel you need, etc then try to take what others say with a grain of salt..........cause that's all it really is any way.

[kygirl]

I agree with everything you said. I mean, it mainly is hard because my best friend was involved. She has been right in the past before, but it was also very obvious she was right AND she had legitimate reasons/concerns (the person and I had very little in common, I was obviously unhappy, they never wanted to give anything but just take take take). Those times, I did take what she wanted to say into consideration and I asked her for her thoughts. I just still feel a bit "put off" that she thought it was appropriate 1) to say anything but 2) more so that she picked that environment to do it in. You just don't do that to a close friend. It put me in a very awkward situation where I felt like I had to diffuse and move on and not really say what I wanted to entirely because I was shocked and we were out for another friend's bday. I had organize the event and didn't want to ruin it.

I know the only real opinion that matters is mine. AND I know in time that if it does work out and things go well that they will either have to support me or we'll part ways. I just expected more from them (and her especially). I had that now I feel like my friends think my relationship is destined to fail and I hate that I am not going to feel comfortable having J around them. Because in the back of my mind, that is going to be what I am thinking about. The fact that they made it very clear that they didn't think we were "meant" for each other.

But really? What kind of is that anyway? I can't tell you how many people someone has thought I "looked good" with or "seemed to belong with". That's not what matters. I can look good with all kinds of people and I can put on a happy face with a d-bag if I really wanted to. I don't understand why they can't just focus on how much we enjoy each other's company and how good he is to me and how much he tries to make me happy. And it's not like we completely don't enjoy the same things. He's not controlling. He's very supportive. I just don't get how you can unravel all of that because you get a "vibe"...

But maybe that's just me I know I'm going to have to let it go and move on from it. At this point, I think it's just going to take a few days. AND I have to see my best friend in class tomorrow which I am honestly kind of dreading.

[Ashlee T.]

It was pretty poopy of her indeed. Thoughtless....not stopping to put herself in your shoes. I'm sure she'd be devastated if she knew how bad it upset you. Alot of people just do things sometimes before they stop to think how it's going to affect the other person. I have a feeling you'll address this with her, and then everything will be fine. She can't take back what she has said, but that's not to say her opinion of him can't change. Good luck sweetie.

[WildChild]

I like what BD suggested saying to them but I would leave out the bit about ruining your evening. Just tell them what you feel.

There is a saying, something to the effect that your opinion of me is none of my business....

[lizzardb63]

I had the same problem. I was dumped after a 4 year relationship and when I met my current boyfriend my cousin (who was my best friend at the time) just came out and said 'I think he will cheat on you, he is a sleeze and he's not right for you'. I was EXTREMELY angry, becuase I needed the support to get back into the dating scene. WEll, I said to myself...she doesnt have the facts and she isn't part of the relationship so she sees what she wants to see. We've been together 7 months so far and going GREAT. He treats me great, makes me feel beautiful and special, unlike my ex who she loved (crazy huh). Don't let it bug you too much. It's what you want that matters the most! If they don't have any specifics why, then they are just being judgemental.

[lizzardb63]

Oh and another thing that has helped with that issue is, YEP, I love him, she's my friend, we are ALL hanging out together! SO get along! They got to know each other better and get along much better. Maybe they just need to get to know him better.

[lonestar]

I think you are just upset with them right now. Which is fine- you have a right to be. Like you said, I could understand if your situation with your BF was different (abusive or whatever), but it sounds like you guys are fine!
Maybe your friends are jealous? Have you stopped hanging out with them as much since you started dating J? It sucks, but if that's the case that is a normal reaction too. they are used to having you to themselves... and now they don't. You have found someone else that meets allll your needs. I mean, are they going to sleep with you?
All joking aside, just put some space between you and them for a while and then hash it out. Don't ruin your friendship over it. Especially since you say they are some of the closest people in your life. But space for a while is appropriate...