[PurpleGoddess]

Hi everyone,

I feel like I'm at my wits end .

I posted here once before but everything that happened after made me feel so guilty about even joining the board and asking for your advice (like I was complaining unfairly about my partner) that I haven't been back. I'm sorry. Anyway, I came back now because I don't have anywhere else. I don't even know if I'm going crazy

I just tried to have a conversation with my boyfriend about an article I read on what humanism is. I'm one of those people (wondering if I'm the only person) who likes to read opinion sections in newspapers, likes sharing thoughts and having interesting discussions about things, especially controversial topics because they're so interesting (to me...). I like contemplating things and seeing what others think. I feel like I remember in the past having these kinds of engaging, intellectual conversations but now I'm starting to wonder if I'm imagining it all and it's just me...

Well, I tried the conversation. He did what he always does since we started going out - no eye contact, answers what I say minimally and kind of has a gormless look - mouth slightly open. That sounds cruel, sorry, but it's true. He says he doesn't mind the conversations but is always like this. I kind of miss getting an intellectual discussion/conversation like this! So tonight, I felt like defending myself, because usually I go beat myself up mentally after this and tell myself there's something wrong with me for wondering about abstract things, he says 'you don't need to think about that kind of thing' and used to reply 'dunno' a lot but has since stopped cos he saw how much it drove me crazy...

Well, this time I tried to defend myself and asked why he goes so serious when I ask him these things. He got really unhappy and raised his voice and clattered cutlery and clattered a mug onto the worktop and said he's just thinking hard to answer me.

Well, I'm so upset now. I don't know what to think. I'm wondering if I'm going crazy. On the one hand, I feel defensive of myself - I feel like it's ok I want those kind of discussions and that he just can't give me them. On the other hand, I think there's something wrong with me to even want them and I think if I ever left him, I'd be a lonely idiot all on my own wanting these conversations that noone else likes, having given up a relationship which I otherwise have a lot of fun in and get support in!!

One thing that makes it worse is I don't really have friends. I can't say why, I'm friendly to a lot of people I know but whilst I've been close to people in the past, I'm not anymore for some reason and I'm sort of alone except for my boyfriend and sort of my mother's support (ish - she's only supportive of some things). So that makes me wonder if it's me, pushing people away by being such a strange person, I kind of feel like my boyfriends my only hope at being normal when I feel like this.

Sorry about all this and thanks for anyone who puts up with reading it and replying!! I probably sound so dumb! If there's something wrong with me, just say, I can take it and I'll tell my thoughts to shut up next time I fancy a good discussion as I call it.

Thank you.

[Ashlee T.]

I get the impression that this may be a case of two people that just aren't truly compatible and right for each other. It doesn't mean either one of you are necessarily WRONG, which makes it even harder to grasp. I'm a deep thinker, like to talk (noooo surely not), like to listen, like to ponder different topics, like to debate, etc. It's not easy to find someone that not only likes to do that, but is also interested in the same topics you are.

Just because he is your boyfriend, doesn't mean he's going to be interested in what you are. Perhaps he's just totally not interested in what you're talking about.... does that make him wrong? No. It just makes him different than you.

I think it's important to think about the things in a relationship that are truly important to you, things you are willing to compromise on and things you are not. Then perhaps reevaluate your relationship and begin considering that maybe this is not the guy for you.

[Ashlee T.]

Oh... and PS. Revolving your life around your relationship, and isolating yourself off from friendships and a social life is one sure way to make you feel trapped in an unhappy relationship. (Not saying yours is unhappy...just saying that alot of people stay in unhappy relationships because they feel like they have no one else).

[lonestar]

It sounds like you are unhappy in this relationship. You seem like too much of a deep thinker for this guy.
Without sounding egotistical or judging- has he been to or in college? Have you?
If I were you and you were dead set on this guy and he satisfies you in every other way, I would dig into some philosophy, if you haven't already. You would LOVE it. If you're in school, take a class. You'll be surrounded by others who like having the same kind of conversations that you do and it might fulfill this need you have. Don't beat yourself up. It's a need you have. It expands your mind. You're just a deep thinker, which is more than most of America can say.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having an interlectual mind, being inquisitive of life, that's actually a good thing... But, not everyone thinks that way, is interested in the topics you are, for-instance, politics does not interest me, but it does my partner, I wouldn't leave him because he wants to talk about politics, that's his interest that's all.

The problem you do have is you have no one to share it with, expect to be able to share it with your SO, but he's not interested, then you question yourself as you have no one else to talk to about this interest....

You don't have to have the same passions, interests as your partner, it's good if you have one or two, as then you have things to talk about, but if you live and breathe a passion, then it's difficult, if the other person can't be on your wavelength...

My suggestion would be to find a chat group, that do love what you do, a social club you can join or start, that talks over coffee about such subjects.

You also seem to sound to me as if you believe in past lives, and that in your past life you were someone interlectual, it's possible....

CW

[Haven]

People are saying he's not a deep thinker and you two might be incompatible, but have you tried engaging him on topics he might consider more relevant? His comment about how you don't need to worry yourself about abstract things suggests that he's a "practical" or "problem-solver" type. To you, the subject of a good conversation is less important than the free-flowing exchange of ideas that ensues, but he probably thinks a good conversation is one with a good beginning and ending.

Ask him what he considers a good conversation. If you really can't get anything out of him, even with questions so close to home, you might want to consider finding another way to satisfy your intellectual needs.