[CAtoLVgirl]

I would love some advice!!!

My fiance and I are in our early to mid 50's. We have been together for almost 2 years, living together for most of it. He honestly is a wonderful, caring, sensitive man, but I don't know if I should even been in a relationship. I know I love him, but I don't know if I'm "in love" with him.

I am divorced and remained single for a good 20 years afterward. I focused on raising my children and didn't care whether I had a relationship or not. He has been in a marriage for about 20 years (his 2nd) but they eventually had separate rooms and only stayed together to share in the care of their handicapped child.

Without going into a lot of detail I am struggling with being in a relationship. I really did like being single. I didn't date so it's not like I miss that, I just liked doing things when I wanted, how I wanted, etc. I'm having a very hard time including someone else in that. At first I thought it was just a matter of me adjusting to not being single, but after almost 2 years I'm failing miserably. I am literally having anxiety attacks.

I know he feels something isn't right. He has asked me many times if I want out, if I was happy, am I sure this is what I want, etc. But I always answer that yes I'm happy, no I don't want out, yes I'm sure this is what I want. He lets me know that he doesn't feel secure in the relationship because I don't make him feel like he rates very high with me. I am worried that he might be right, but I just don't know why I would do that!

I've never, ever talked to anyone about this. This quite honestly is the first time I have even put it in writing (well, typing LOL). I would love some input from anyone who maybe sees something here that I can't see.

Thanks

[caterpillar79]

Aside from being used to be on your own for the most part, doing whenever, whatever you want, do you have other unvoiced concerns regarding him and your relationship in general? What you really want is what matters most.

[Ashlee T.]

Agree with caterpillar. Life's too short for it to be any otherwise. It sounds like he's a great guy, but it also sounds like you're a great woman too. So you could be two wonderful people that just truly want different things. I think for you, someone who wants to plan fun things on a weekend now and then would be ideal. Someone to share experiences with, but not live with, not talk to every day, not be with all the time. Someone who is more of a companion than a "lover" per say.

Some of us are "free birds"....and there's not much that's going to change that at this point in your life. Why not just embrace it? You are who you are? Maybe you want to travel the world, maybe you want to dedicate more time to your hobbies, or to your family/friends.

This is your life too. And I have a feeling he'll totally understand that. It's much better to break apart and remain friends than to stay with someone when you and he both know you don't truly want to be there.

[CAtoLVgirl]

There are many things I haven't discussed with him. I've been trying to sort things out in my mind. I thought I knew what I wanted but his expectations of what he wants in a relationship and mine are different. I thought for a long time that maybe I was just selfish and self-centered. I have talked to him about how confused I am but I am beginning to realize that I am just who I am, and maybe I am just not meant to be in a relationship, or at least not one like he wants. I like my alone time and he likes to do everything together. I need to just sit down and sort all my thoughts and then sit down and talk to him about it. I truly think he's more unhappy than he's letting on, even though I know he loves me.

Thanks so much for you input.

[CAtoLVgirl]

Thanks for your response, Beautiful Disaster. You really seem to pinpoint both of us. He is a really great guy and we would probably be better off being friends. We were actually friends before this and that's something he's pointed out to me, how come once we became a couple I stopped being his friend! I guess I can't separate the two.

I think at our age we were both hoping we found who we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with. He really does need someone who will love him the way he wants and I just don't think it's me. Now I just need to find the right time to talk to him about this. We argue a lot and I really don't want it to be during an argument.

Thanks again, this has been a tremendous help. I'm so very glad I found this forum.

[Little_Miss_Me]

Get out before you make an eternal commitment.

I'm young, but I've been with so many people where I've tried to MAKE it work. I've been with one person who it just worked naturally with. There was no forcing it to work, it just did. I was "in" love with that person. To me, if you have to question yourself, you're not in love with the person, and if you're not in love, don't get married.

Marriage isn't something to be unsure of.

[Ashlee T.]

Well I'm glad you found us too! Very glad you're here and hope you continue to come and even share your insight with others going through tough times.

I was recently in a relationship very similar to what you describe. He wanted to be together all the time, his life revolved around mine. I didn't reciprocate that. And though it made it appear as though I didn't "care as much as he did", it's just who I am. I need my space, I relish in having my alone time, and if I spend every waking minute with someone in my free time, I'll feel smothered and start looking for ways out. It's like a sense of panic that I'm losing myself, and I don't want that. He was a great guy, sweet as anyone could want, but we were just NOT compatible. Ending it was the best choice, and the least hurtful choice in the long run.

You'll do what's right, when the time is right.

[BabyGirl]

Ohhhhhhh Do I know how you feel !! Lol

And though I may possibly be a Widow, not sure as no contact with my hubby from Chile, ( long Story) but I have been living alone, without a man in the home, since 1990. * other than my brief Marriage time in 2003 of 2 weeks, ( part of long Story .. Lmao)

I've had no Live in, no real BF's. 1 fling for a Summer with a few overnight stays by him, and of course my " Affair" this past year which was everything but fulfilled sex. ( another long story )...

I do what I want, when I want, I don't have to ask for permission or opinions or feel responsible for anyone's happiness but my own ( other than normal respect & love of the two adult kids that live home with me).

I am 55 and your post makes me think, Could I ever " Live with" a man, like 24 /7 ?
I doubt it. And sometimes that makes me sad ...

Then I think of my "Mom " Adopted one from years ago.. she's 73 now, Had a BF for almost 2 years, they met when she was 70. Dated, did the companion thing, traveled together, had a lot of fun. Stayed at each others homes, sometimes her his for 3-4 days, him hers, just depended.



Then , he got serious, very serious,asked her to marry him. wanted her to sell her home & move in with him. He & Mom both have health probs, non fatla yet, but Mom just couldn't marry him, give up her freedom and be a " Wife'.. she's already Buried/ out lived 2 husbands, took care of them in their last days/ years of life .. ( Nursing Background ). The last hubby that passed was her Ex hubby of 20 years, but she & I took care of him anyway. he lived in her home in a " Hospice" situation, Mom was Paid & so was I , as " Pops" Healthcare takers.

This is a bit off track, But .. She didn't want to lose her Medicare & SSI and SS from her working & the Death benifits as a Survivorof the Military.


She Loved " Joe" but was Not In Love with him. She enjoyed their Friendship, Companionship, Road trips in the Motor home and the {{{{{ Sex }}}}} That is just a * Shudder * thinking of Mom & Joe , Doing it ..

Anyway, last year, she Dumped him.. Yep.. Dumped him.. Straight up said to "Joe", I can't and don't want to marry you, I love you as a Dearest Friend " " If you want to go out once in awhile, I'm up for it, But I'm Not Your Girlfriend, just your Friend"

They didn't talk for over 5 months, but now they have breakfast once a month, catch up on " Old News" and actually take care of each others homes & pets when either is out of town. He is in a relationship now And Mom is Semi~Single & Happy. !! I'm Learning from Others and Myself, Happpy, not Extatic, But ... I'm only 55 and still Alive..







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[lonestar]

ARE you happy? That's the main question. I mean, everyone thinks those things at one point in a relationship. I ask myself why the heck I gave up my apartment sometimes; there are days when I miss going home and cooking what I want to eat, eating it the way I like, watching what I want to without having to negociate... but I love him, he makes me happy, and I could never be without him, so I endure. Sounds like you're not willing to endure... ?
Maybe try talking to him? Relationships take two people. He has to be willing to make compromises for you- I understand wanting to spend the majority of your time with your SO, but there are times where you need some space. This is NORMAL (even though for some people (like me, for example), it is still hard/sad to admit your SO can't make you happy ALL the time)- but I still crave alone time sometimes. It's weird. Just talk to him about it.

[SSDS]

I think you know how you feel. If you don't know if you should even be in a relationship, or if you are even in love with him...why keep yourself in the position. I can understand when people say, "I used to be in love with this person, but now I'm not" because feelings can change. But if the feelings aren't there, I wonder, what is the point. Plus, he could be an amazing man, and you simply don't have feelings for him. That's okay. I say go with your gut. If you are having panic attacks about this, your body and mind are telling you something.