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Loving after you've been married?

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  • Loving after you've been married?

    I've never been married before, but I'm curious to know how others feel.

    Between both of my parents, I've seen six marriages fail. Out of my 22 years, I've lived 19 of them with one of my parents going through a divorce. I'm not completely jaded by the situation (believe it or not! I'm still quite the hopeless romantic..).

    My father has always said something that struck me to the core, "I will never love someone like I loved your mother." I believe it. They were together for 10 years before they got married.

    Anyway, onto the point of the thread. To those that have been married, divorced and either in a serious relationship or remarried, will you ever love someone like your first husband/wife? How is the relationship different with the second person?

  • Hmmmm...........has this new fella of yours been married, or is this just a hypothetical question?? :0)
    "Be what you're looking for."

    Comment


    • Frankly, I think your father said it best "I will never love someone like I loved your mother" and how can he? How can I love someone like my ex wife, only wife, mother of our two amazing children?

      Have I been in love since my divorce? Yes, twice, but it's different. Our age is different, our life experience is different, we each have children with other/former partners (as I'll only date mothers), etc., etc. In my opinion, it can't possibly be the same, not even close and I wouldn't want it to be.

      Comment


      • I'm hoping there is love to be found after a marriage is over. Will I ever love someone else the same way? I think it's like comparing two totally different things. Afterall, first loves or first marriages are usually at a young age...for me it was 23. Now in my 40's, I know who I am and what I want and I hope there is a man out there for me. I guess I'm not answering your question - just adding some of my own thoughts to it. Hope this helps.

        "Take the first step in faith - You don't have to see the whole staircase - just take the first step."
        - Martin Luther King Jr.

        Comment


        • Does it equate to something as simple as your first love? My wife is the love of my life. I don't believe I could function without her. Still, I'll never forget my first love. Something special about her. If she came up to me today and asked me to run away with her would I even think about it? Nah. Its fun to think back on, but it has no bearing on what I would do today.
          I am happy because I am content with who I am. My wife is not responsible for my happiness, she enhances my happiness because she is so good to me.

          Comment


          • Of course you can't love two different people in the same way. Every person brings out something different in you and like j/r said the expectations/ages are different. It doesn't mean you will love the next person less. We all change, even the love we have for the same person changes over time.

            Comment


            • Well, I watched my Parents, argue, then I watched and experienced them being "over protective to me" And the communication was shocking, the love was cold yet they loved me if that makes sense, they wouldn't Divorce, oldern days, but they are now best friends...

              Me, as a result I refused to marry until I thought it would be for ever, funny my Mother stated that I would marry twice and second would be it...

              I was engaged three times, married once.

              I thought I made the right decision but I didn't he changed like the wind once married and all sorts of things occured... It made me whom I am today, knowing what I want and not settling for less,

              I am almost engaged, I have been asked but we both haven't Divorced he is amazing, nothing we can't conquer.. our communication is perfect... our desires, dreams, goals, passions, perfect...

              It boils down I think to not settling and therefore, finding...

              I think people search for what they are missing only to find it was there, only they didn't know how to communicate and kept searching only to realise what they origionally had was their best..

              Allan Pease has a great book on all of this, I met him and he worked on a Seminar for me, he and his wife, have it worked out... It's alot of work, most people are scared to do that, work... and so they search instead and fail...

              It's mostly finding out who you are, what you want and finding passion, and in that, finding the same, someone who has passion, knows who they are and both can communicate and in that, everything can be resolved and both are free to be themselves.

              CW
              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

              Comment


              • Been there more than once. It can be hard.
                I've loved but I don't know that I have been loved. Needed and used? Yes. Now that I am older what I have run into has been men who got hurt and don't feel they can love or trust or at least not in the same way again. Even after years apart they are still angry and hurt over an ex. I get told I am "wonderful" or "really nice" and that they want all that I might do for them, but love? No. They are too busy with their issues over the ex.

                I know people who have found love with a later marriage and who are very happy. So yes it can happen. But you have to be careful. They can hide what they really are and really feel until after you are in it. You don't want to be their consolation or whipping post. If they haven't moved on and let go of that "first love" or "love of their life" who messed them up, they won't really have room in their heart for you.

                Comment


                • Wow, thanks for all the responses.
                  Beautiful Disaster
                  Hmmmm...........has this new fella of yours been married, or is this just a hypothetical question?? :0)
                  Haha, more like an ex. There wasn't a real reason for the break up except for, "I'm in love with you, and I'm just not ready for that." It's a pretty hard reason to accept. We had a very tiny fight before hand (the only fight we had, at that). While I'm trying to keep myself dating and move on, every now and then I just wonder what I could've done to make it work. The only person I really talk to about serious stuff like this is my father, and when I told him, his response was he'd never love anyone like my mother. I was just reflecting yesterday wondering if that was really the case for most people?

                  Derek was married at a young age to his first love. They had a kid together. He was in the marines, so his second time deployed, he ended up getting hit by a bomb. When he first came home, the doctors thought he was going to lose his sight completely (he didn't), and instead of supporting him, the first time she sees him, she tells him she's been cheating on him for two years. Picks up her bags, takes their little boy, and moves ten hours away.

                  It's been three, almost four, years since all of that, and when we first met, I was absolutely reluctant to get in a relationship with someone that had been through a divorce already. After a couple months of pushing for it, he finally convinced me to give him a chance that he really was ready to open up, and all of the above. And honestly, he did. We had a -wonderful- relationship.

                  Even though I've tried to move on and just enjoy what we had as a good memory, I just don't know if I can. He's an incredible person, and what we had together just seemed exceptional. The more people I go out with the more obvious it becomes, and I just kinda wonder if I should **try** and make things work again, or if it's better off realizing now, he'd never be able to fall in love with me.
                  jonnie_rocks
                  Frankly, I think your father said it best "I will never love someone like I loved your mother" and how can he? How can I love someone like my ex wife, only wife, mother of our two amazing children?
                  Despite my situation, this really made me smile.
                  tesoro
                  I'm hoping there is love to be found after a marriage is over. Will I ever love someone else the same way? I think it's like comparing two totally different things. Afterall, first loves or first marriages are usually at a young age...for me it was 23. Now in my 40's, I know who I am and what I want and I hope there is a man out there for me. I guess I'm not answering your question - just adding some of my own thoughts to it. Hope this helps.
                  Thanks for the thoughts. I hope there's someone out there for you too. Don't give up!

                  Casey715
                  Does it equate to something as simple as your first love? My wife is the love of my life. I don't believe I could function without her. Still, I'll never forget my first love. Something special about her. If she came up to me today and asked me to run away with her would I even think about it? Nah. Its fun to think back on, but it has no bearing on what I would do today.
                  See and that's the way I see things. I've always told my girlfriends that every relationship and every love you have in your life is there to point out the person who IS right for you. That way, when that person comes around, you know, and you'll cherish that person for everything he/she is. And I believe that 100%.
                  stressed
                  Of course you can't love two different people in the same way. Every person brings out something different in you and like j/r said the expectations/ages are different. It doesn't mean you will love the next person less. We all change, even the love we have for the same person changes over time.
                  I guess I didn't say it quite right. Maybe not love two people in the "same" way, but able to open yourself up, be willing to go through the tough times, and simply love and appreciate someone, as if they were your first love.

                  CHANDLERS WISH
                  I am almost engaged, I have been asked but we both haven't Divorced he is amazing, nothing we can't conquer.. our communication is perfect... our desires, dreams, goals, passions, perfect...

                  It boils down I think to not settling and therefore, finding...
                  Has there been anything that your fiance has done to help you open up to the idea of marriage again? Or did it just -- work? Are you ever worried that marrying again would change your future husband like your first?
                  CHANDLERS WISH
                  I think people search for what they are missing only to find it was there, only they didn't know how to communicate and kept searching only to realize what they originally had was their best..
                  I don't want to be that person.

                  WildChild
                  Been there more than once. It can be hard.
                  I've loved but I don't know that I have been loved. Needed and used? Yes. Now that I am older what I have run into has been men who got hurt and don't feel they can love or trust or at least not in the same way again. Even after years apart they are still angry and hurt over an ex. I get told I am "wonderful" or "really nice" and that they want all that I might do for them, but love? No. They are too busy with their issues over the ex.
                  You know where I'm coming from! Although, it was different. He and his ex still talked about twice a week because of the kid, and around holidays they saw each other often. They had a friendly enough relationship for being divorced, and it never seemed to get to him. Not a single issue regarding her, or us in general, even surfaced until he decided it was best to break it off.
                  WildChild
                  I know people who have found love with a later marriage and who are very happy. So yes it can happen. But you have to be careful. They can hide what they really are and really feel until after you are in it. You don't want to be their consolation or whipping post. If they haven't moved on and let go of that "first love" or "love of their life" who messed them up, they won't really have room in their heart for you.
                  And that is hands down what I'm scared of. On one hand, I know what we had was different. I've been in three relationships before his that were all over a year (one over three years), and I found everything I've ever wanted with this one person. He's someone I feel is right for me, and there's no way in I'm going to let it end because he realized he loved me.

                  On the other hand, it's like, here's someone who has been to and back with his ex. Obviously he's guarded and scared, which means he isn't ready for a relationship. Which means, no, there won't be any room in his heart for me. And I never, ever want a one-sided relationship. I deserve better than that.

                  ---

                  Thanks for all the replies! (Although, I admit, I'm just as confused as ever, haha!)

                  Comment


                  • Think of it like food: If you could remember the very first time you had a pizza and then compare it to all the others you've had in your life. You don't enjoy them any less, it's just that the first pizza was your very first experience of pizzas. You also probably remember the place where you've had the best one ever, which isn't necessarily the first one.

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by Casey715 View Post
                      Does it equate to something as simple as your first love? My wife is the love of my life. I don't believe I could function without her. Still, I'll never forget my first love. Something special about her. If she came up to me today and asked me to run away with her would I even think about it? Nah. Its fun to think back on, but it has no bearing on what I would do today.
                      wow, that's real special. my ex-husband rekindled with his "first love" on facebook and left me about a month or two later. and he passive-aggressived the situation to make it seem like i pushed him into her arms. anyway.... my point for responding is that i feel everyone should work to make their marriage work even if that old flame comes back. you've made a commitment and that's the way it should be.

                      i, on the other hand, am doing great. in love again after being divorced and its def not the same but i'm glad its not the same! its better!!!
                      Miss Kitty

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by misskitty3 View Post
                        wow, that's real special. my ex-husband rekindled with his "first love" on facebook and left me about a month or two later. and he passive-aggressived the situation to make it seem like i pushed him into her arms. anyway.... my point for responding is that i feel everyone should work to make their marriage work even if that old flame comes back. you've made a commitment and that's the way it should be.

                        i, on the other hand, am doing great. in love again after being divorced and its def not the same but i'm glad its not the same! its better!!!
                        After reading your other thread, this just made me smile. Thank you. I'm glad to know it is possible to love again, and love better.

                        Comment


                        • Though I got into many relationship before I finally got married, my love for my husband is still different compared to the others I've been with. Only in him I learned what true love really means, and it is standing with each other through joys and pains.

                          Comment


                          • I was with my ex husband for 4 years before we got married and I got pregnant right away. We were married for less than 2 years. No, he was not the love of my life by any means. The best thing that came out of our marriage and time together was our daughter. I meet my current husband the week my divorce was final and we were married 2 months later. I can honestly say that my current husband is the absolute love of my life and my best friend. We have been through so much together and through it all we were each others rock and soft place to fall. Neither of us could stand to live without the other. This year we will celebrate our 22nd anniversary. Not saying our marriage is perfect because it isn't and we have been through all kinds of stuff but we have chosen to stay together forever.

                            I say call him and see if he wants to have lunch or coffee and talk and see where things stand. What can it hurt?

                            Comment


                            • Obviously he has a bond with your mother nothing like the bond he'll ever have with anyone else...you are a creation between them. That's what makes them and how they see each other so different than the rest. I am married for 6 months now and my husband and I made a conscience decision to get married. It wasn't because we were in love with the idea of marriage, but because we were ready to make the commitment and both thoroughly understand that there are going to be really hard times. We have a wonderful support system and decided that our marriage always comes first. We must do what we have to do to make it right and good.

                              I think people have this misconception that marriage makes things okay or right or that it's just going to be the honeymoon phase for the rest of your life. Marriage is reality. You won't always get along, you won't always like each other, and things aren't always going to be easy, but you must always love each other and always put your marriage first, even if you don't want to. If you truly want it to work out, it's going to take a lot of time and dedication on both ends. It has to be a team commitment from beginning on and it must always be a team commitment. It cannot be a one-sided deal because then it won't work, and unfortunately that's the reason why most marriages don't work out. Someone gives up or chooses not to participate in the deal anymore. I guess you don't really know until you're there, but I think it's important to truly find out how the other person views marriage, how their parents treat/treated each other, etc. It will say a lot of their true feelings on marriage. My sister in law is getting married and her fiance treats her crappy, but he treats her exactly how his dad treats his mom. It won't stop...you can't change a person and I really hope she can make the best of the situation. I am helpless and have to let her live her own life.

                              I'm not saying that I know everything, but we've sat down with our Pastor and he gave us some real, true advice.

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