Jealousy/ confusion? Help, my relationship is in trouble!
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half now. Lately things have taken a turn for the worse. I am so confused.
Here is our timeline and issues, any helpful advice would be much appreciated.
When my bf and I started dating, he was extremely interested in me, he would hold me in public and be very proud to show me off to his friends. He gave me a lot of attention and found me perfect. Over the last year his respect for me has declined and sometimes he often jabs at my intelligence. He say's he fell in love with the girl that read books, exercised, was social and ate healthy. He fails to realize that since I moved out of my ex's house and moved in with him, the last year of my life has changed drastically. I don't have a job to supply myself with all of the things my ex used to provide for me, books, healthy food, weights for exercising with. After a 4 year relationship ends and you enter a new one things are so hard to adjust to. I have bouts of uncertainty which leaves me depressed and I feel extremely insecure at times, which leaves me very unmotivated. In the past month, I've been trying to get back to my past routine, but it's so hard, especially when I feel like I'm always busy cleaning the apartment. My bf will not clean anything up unless I tell him to do it. Sometimes it gets overbearing because I feel that I should not always have to tell him to pick up after him self or do something. I feel no matter how much I clean, there will always be trash the next day to filter through. He even say's that I am lazy (overall.) Someday's I try to make things easier for him by putting all of his unwanted papers, clothes, items into bags for him to sort through and discard, but after several months, they are still in the same spots that I placed them in.
My bf says that I am not the girl he thought I was, but how can I be when I have no time to be that girl? My ex used to cook for me and pay my bills (he was a bit more well off than I was) so he helped me out a lot. Now that money is an issue I don't have access to some of the things I used to. I have a lot more to worry about now. Sometimes he will offer to give me money, but if I do take money from him, I worry about paying it back, because he makes a point out of it. I have had a string of odd jobs, but when your an actress working at a clothing store, struggling to make ends meet, it's very stressful. He does not seem to understand this and say's that they are all just excuses. I feel that I cannot talk to him about anything without him saying that I'm making excuses and being defensive.
SEX: We used to have a lot of sex when we first met, now we have sex maybe 4 times a week. I got pregnant when we were together and had an abortion, which was necessary at such an early state in the relationship--ever since I've felt like I've had no sex drive. I am sure it must be my birth control, but he always complains about it. He often masturbates to porn whenever I don't have sex with him, which makes me feel very insecure. He has since reduced watching porn A LOT. However, one day I came home and he had it on in our room, he also visits 4chan a lot, and I really feel uncomfortable about it, especially since he mostly looks at blue-eyed, big breasted, blondes-- which I am not.
OTHER WOMEN:
About 2 months into our relationship he started speaking back to his ex girlfriend, who he swears to have no feelings for. They started meeting up frequently and speaking every now and then. He always spoke about what he and his ex would do and how happy he was when they would hang out with their friends, something he and I can't share since I don't have any close friends as she did, nor a car to drive him places (coming from a very sheltered life doesn't leave much option to develop good, lasting friendships). I communicated to him that it bothers me, especially since every time his ex is sick or has a problem she calls him. He has told me that I am jealous of her and that I don't trust him. I tried to relax about it, but it makes me so uncomfortable. On one occasion, she tried to feed him something she bit off of right in front of me, and started fixing his collar and reminiscing with him about the parties they used to have. She claims to have no feelings for him, but I feel very insecure when these things happen. He doesn't see anything wrong with it, and he say's that it won't change. It also doesn't help that most of his close friends are friends with her, and whenever they go out with each other I always feel like the odd one out. He see's this as a huge issue, as do I.
My bf also say's he feels controlled by me. He says that he feels he can have no female friends. It's so hard to trust him when he talks to his female friends about problems in our relationship. It's especially hard to trust him when he tells his female friends how easy they are to talk to and tells them he wants to hold them close, especially when he confides to them that things are not good in his life and that he is not happy. I feel so insecure about his feelings for these girls after reading these chats (I know, I shouldn't read his chats, it's a terrible habit). Just a few days ago he was speaking to a friend and he made a joke about how he wanted to put weird things in places where they don't belong. She, studying to be a doctor, then responded with, "what weird things do you want to put in what weird places?" He say's it's all very innocent, but that type of conversation between friend's makes me feel very uncomfortable. He claims that his females friends are extremely "good" people, and how much he likes them, but just as friends, but when he talks to them like this it makes me wonder if he is trying to convince me or himself that this is true, that he has no feelings beyond friendship with these girls. Sometimes I feel that the only reason he is saying so is because they aren't as interested in him enough to date him. When I get jealous about these things he say's I'm crazy and have a "problem."
I also feel extremely unwanted at times because he can go from a period of showing me a lot of affection, to a period of showing me almost none. When we are at home he shows me a lot of affection, but when we are out he sometimes doesn't. I've noticed that if an attractive girl walks by he would stare at them, not look, but stare. He would let go of my hand or turn his back at me-- he say's that he is not conscious of those actions. He also makes me feel unwanted when he say's he likes big boobs and that blondes are hott. He also has aspirations of being a millionaire, and often see's nothing wrong with buying girls with money. I am a brunette and do not have huge breasts. I can't help but feel insecure, especially knowing that he could get rich and just leave me for another girl, however of a long shot that is. I should mention that we are of different race and I always see him checking out other girls that are of similar color, mostly blondes.
He claims to love me a lot but doesn't seem to understand where all of my insecurities stem from, he seems to think that I have a huge jealousy issue and that my feelings stem from my past relationship, where my ex of four years broke up with me after pressuring me into an open relationship. My insecurities stem from a lot of things, I agree. Am I wrong to react jealous when he gives other women more attention than he does to me? He admits that he does and will continue to give other women more attention than me since he always sees me. I am so confused by him, his actions sometimes contradict his feelings.
He say's he feels trapped as though he cannot have any female friends, which isn't the case. I just want him to understand that he needs to communicate his feelings to me.... he won't even say that he loves me often because he doesn't want to "overuse" the word.
I just don't understand. We also have poor communication which also doesn't help. Sometimes I tell him if he doesn't tell me what he's thinking about or how he feels about something, I won't ever know how he feels, I'll just continue to think about the topic as I have been.
He claims to answer all of my questions, but when things occur to make me jealous, he is unwilling to talk to me about them, claiming he has already answered my questions and doesn't want to enforce my jealous by reassuring me every time (something he has only done twice).
We have a great relationship otherwise, but our lack of communication on touchy topics like jealousy really makes things turn for the worse. He also keeps saying that we think differently and that I don't understand him. He also say's I take no interest in his activities, which confuses me even more because he doesn't really do much other than work at a developing company, take care of our fish tank, play video games and work on his business, to which I inquire a lot about.
He does not know if he wants to have a long term relationship with me because he say's I treat him poorly and do not trust him, but hopes that we can. He wants to be with a more social, less jealous person, and has even said I should go out with my guy friends more (I have not that many). . . I don't know what to make of this, especially since he tells me that I am the most important person in his life and that he loves me so much.
I should also add that I get up with him every morning when I don't have to, feed him, and take care of the apartment, but at the end of the day he still feels I treat him poorly...
I love him a lot and love some of the great things we have with each other, because there are many of them. I just need some help in taking some steps in resolving the issues that we have.
Here is our timeline and issues, any helpful advice would be much appreciated.
When my bf and I started dating, he was extremely interested in me, he would hold me in public and be very proud to show me off to his friends. He gave me a lot of attention and found me perfect. Over the last year his respect for me has declined and sometimes he often jabs at my intelligence. He say's he fell in love with the girl that read books, exercised, was social and ate healthy. He fails to realize that since I moved out of my ex's house and moved in with him, the last year of my life has changed drastically. I don't have a job to supply myself with all of the things my ex used to provide for me, books, healthy food, weights for exercising with. After a 4 year relationship ends and you enter a new one things are so hard to adjust to. I have bouts of uncertainty which leaves me depressed and I feel extremely insecure at times, which leaves me very unmotivated. In the past month, I've been trying to get back to my past routine, but it's so hard, especially when I feel like I'm always busy cleaning the apartment. My bf will not clean anything up unless I tell him to do it. Sometimes it gets overbearing because I feel that I should not always have to tell him to pick up after him self or do something. I feel no matter how much I clean, there will always be trash the next day to filter through. He even say's that I am lazy (overall.) Someday's I try to make things easier for him by putting all of his unwanted papers, clothes, items into bags for him to sort through and discard, but after several months, they are still in the same spots that I placed them in.
My bf says that I am not the girl he thought I was, but how can I be when I have no time to be that girl? My ex used to cook for me and pay my bills (he was a bit more well off than I was) so he helped me out a lot. Now that money is an issue I don't have access to some of the things I used to. I have a lot more to worry about now. Sometimes he will offer to give me money, but if I do take money from him, I worry about paying it back, because he makes a point out of it. I have had a string of odd jobs, but when your an actress working at a clothing store, struggling to make ends meet, it's very stressful. He does not seem to understand this and say's that they are all just excuses. I feel that I cannot talk to him about anything without him saying that I'm making excuses and being defensive.
SEX: We used to have a lot of sex when we first met, now we have sex maybe 4 times a week. I got pregnant when we were together and had an abortion, which was necessary at such an early state in the relationship--ever since I've felt like I've had no sex drive. I am sure it must be my birth control, but he always complains about it. He often masturbates to porn whenever I don't have sex with him, which makes me feel very insecure. He has since reduced watching porn A LOT. However, one day I came home and he had it on in our room, he also visits 4chan a lot, and I really feel uncomfortable about it, especially since he mostly looks at blue-eyed, big breasted, blondes-- which I am not.
OTHER WOMEN:
About 2 months into our relationship he started speaking back to his ex girlfriend, who he swears to have no feelings for. They started meeting up frequently and speaking every now and then. He always spoke about what he and his ex would do and how happy he was when they would hang out with their friends, something he and I can't share since I don't have any close friends as she did, nor a car to drive him places (coming from a very sheltered life doesn't leave much option to develop good, lasting friendships). I communicated to him that it bothers me, especially since every time his ex is sick or has a problem she calls him. He has told me that I am jealous of her and that I don't trust him. I tried to relax about it, but it makes me so uncomfortable. On one occasion, she tried to feed him something she bit off of right in front of me, and started fixing his collar and reminiscing with him about the parties they used to have. She claims to have no feelings for him, but I feel very insecure when these things happen. He doesn't see anything wrong with it, and he say's that it won't change. It also doesn't help that most of his close friends are friends with her, and whenever they go out with each other I always feel like the odd one out. He see's this as a huge issue, as do I.
My bf also say's he feels controlled by me. He says that he feels he can have no female friends. It's so hard to trust him when he talks to his female friends about problems in our relationship. It's especially hard to trust him when he tells his female friends how easy they are to talk to and tells them he wants to hold them close, especially when he confides to them that things are not good in his life and that he is not happy. I feel so insecure about his feelings for these girls after reading these chats (I know, I shouldn't read his chats, it's a terrible habit). Just a few days ago he was speaking to a friend and he made a joke about how he wanted to put weird things in places where they don't belong. She, studying to be a doctor, then responded with, "what weird things do you want to put in what weird places?" He say's it's all very innocent, but that type of conversation between friend's makes me feel very uncomfortable. He claims that his females friends are extremely "good" people, and how much he likes them, but just as friends, but when he talks to them like this it makes me wonder if he is trying to convince me or himself that this is true, that he has no feelings beyond friendship with these girls. Sometimes I feel that the only reason he is saying so is because they aren't as interested in him enough to date him. When I get jealous about these things he say's I'm crazy and have a "problem."
I also feel extremely unwanted at times because he can go from a period of showing me a lot of affection, to a period of showing me almost none. When we are at home he shows me a lot of affection, but when we are out he sometimes doesn't. I've noticed that if an attractive girl walks by he would stare at them, not look, but stare. He would let go of my hand or turn his back at me-- he say's that he is not conscious of those actions. He also makes me feel unwanted when he say's he likes big boobs and that blondes are hott. He also has aspirations of being a millionaire, and often see's nothing wrong with buying girls with money. I am a brunette and do not have huge breasts. I can't help but feel insecure, especially knowing that he could get rich and just leave me for another girl, however of a long shot that is. I should mention that we are of different race and I always see him checking out other girls that are of similar color, mostly blondes.
He claims to love me a lot but doesn't seem to understand where all of my insecurities stem from, he seems to think that I have a huge jealousy issue and that my feelings stem from my past relationship, where my ex of four years broke up with me after pressuring me into an open relationship. My insecurities stem from a lot of things, I agree. Am I wrong to react jealous when he gives other women more attention than he does to me? He admits that he does and will continue to give other women more attention than me since he always sees me. I am so confused by him, his actions sometimes contradict his feelings.
He say's he feels trapped as though he cannot have any female friends, which isn't the case. I just want him to understand that he needs to communicate his feelings to me.... he won't even say that he loves me often because he doesn't want to "overuse" the word.
I just don't understand. We also have poor communication which also doesn't help. Sometimes I tell him if he doesn't tell me what he's thinking about or how he feels about something, I won't ever know how he feels, I'll just continue to think about the topic as I have been.
He claims to answer all of my questions, but when things occur to make me jealous, he is unwilling to talk to me about them, claiming he has already answered my questions and doesn't want to enforce my jealous by reassuring me every time (something he has only done twice).
We have a great relationship otherwise, but our lack of communication on touchy topics like jealousy really makes things turn for the worse. He also keeps saying that we think differently and that I don't understand him. He also say's I take no interest in his activities, which confuses me even more because he doesn't really do much other than work at a developing company, take care of our fish tank, play video games and work on his business, to which I inquire a lot about.
He does not know if he wants to have a long term relationship with me because he say's I treat him poorly and do not trust him, but hopes that we can. He wants to be with a more social, less jealous person, and has even said I should go out with my guy friends more (I have not that many). . . I don't know what to make of this, especially since he tells me that I am the most important person in his life and that he loves me so much.
I should also add that I get up with him every morning when I don't have to, feed him, and take care of the apartment, but at the end of the day he still feels I treat him poorly...
I love him a lot and love some of the great things we have with each other, because there are many of them. I just need some help in taking some steps in resolving the issues that we have.
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